CONVO
Season 3
Episode 2
It’s Morphin’ Time!
*Julie and Sean are seen on a date at some Italian restaurant*
Julie: Ugggghhh, I have to go back to school next Wednesday. *Thinks for a second* Do you think I could hire someone to kill and/or kidnap me on Tuesday?
Sean: I could kill/kidnap you.
Julie: Knock yourself out. I mean, you’ll have trouble finding where I live. No Silence of the Lambs crap though. Quick death, on my books.
Sean: 1. No, I’m knocking you out. Not me, silly. 2. That’s debatable. 3. Oh, I wouldn’t do it like Buffalo Bill, I’ve got my own signature stuff. 4. Of course not. No blood whatsoever. 5. I’ll probably just kidnap you. That’ll be more enjoyable for you anyway. That way, you don’t have to do high school AND you can still live. You just have to not tell anyone it was me.
Julie: That’s not creepy in the slightest. *Laughs* I’m no snitch! As long as I get a steady supply of Netflix and Tostitos, I am good to go.
Sean: Luckily, I have no shortage of Netflix or Tostitos. I have a lot of books too, if that’s a problem.
Julie: Oh, not at all! I just read Cat’s Cradle by Vonnegut and I have decided to just buy all of his books, sooo I guess that’s your job now.
Sean: Of course, I have to do kidnapper things every once in awhile. Simply formalities of course.
Julie: Ummm, do I want to know what that entails?
Sean: Like wear a terrifying mask, burn things, keep you in dark places, cry about my life story. Stuff of that sort.
Julie: Oh, that’s just a Thursday. Pssh, being kidnapped is going to be a blast.
Sean: You may develop Stockholm Syndrome, which is totally fine with me, but I’ll have you know, I don’t date my victims while they’re in my clutches. *Creepily stares* Most of the time…
Julie: That escalated quickly…
Sean: *Suddenly back to normal* Also, blow to the head vs drugs, how do you want me to knock you out? Sorry, these are things that need to be gone over.
Julie: Blow to the head. You’re not going to make an addict out of me.
Sean: I was thinking chloroform, but okay.
Julie: I immediately thought of stabbing my neck with some needle and scaring the crap out of me and just noped out of that.
Sean: Oh well that’s one way to do things. Are there any things I need to know about your mental state or other things I may have to worry about. Stuff like that?
Julie: No allergies. You would have to climb a story to get in my room though.
Sean: And don’t worry about that.
Julie: I will worry about that.
Sean: I could always kidnap you when you’re taking a walk. If you just got in the van, instead of making me knock you out, that’d be really great.
Julie: Smart one!
Sean: I’d go and talk to you, so you wouldn’t be lonely or whatever, if that’s an issue.
Julie: Sure. It’s a deal. Well, you can continue your evil kidnapping plans, but I have to go. ‘Night!
Sean: Alright, goodnight. *Stares creepily out the window as she leaves, clearly plotting*
*Creepy, horror movie-like music plays as credits in a gothic font roll across the screen.*
*The scene opens up on Josh glaring at Sean in a living room. Kyla walks in.*
Kyla: *Hands a painting of Sherona in spider form to Josh* Josh, as per request.
Josh: *Looking in disgust at the painting* I requested this? And why does she only have six legs? Is that not a spider?
Sean: *Looks uncomfortable* So yeah.
Kyla: Yeah, like a couple months ago. And obviously it is a spider. She doesn’t have to be anatomically correct. She’s Sherona.
Josh: *Becoming super annoyed* Ok. YOU CANT FREAKING DEFY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS OR NATURE JUST BECAUSE YOURE SOME STUPID FROG WOMAN!
Sean: If that’s the case, you can’t do it either as a stupid man with a disco ball on his head!
Josh: Hey. A magical/radioactive disco ball fell on my head.
Kyla: Who’s head? Not yours.
Josh: MY HEAD! I AM DANCING QUEEN!
Sean: Josh. Someone doesn’t know how to be a super hero…
Josh: IF YOU WANT ME, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO KILL ME.
Sean: Also, Sherona was born radioactive and magical. So, thats how she does it.
Josh: Can Sherona be a character in our superhero world?
Sean: Dancing Queen has become sort of a villain as of late.
Kyla: No. Sherona isn’t a character. She just is.
Sean: *At the same time as Kyla* Sherona just is. WHOA THAT’S WHAT I SAID KYLA!
Kyla: Whoa, TWINS.
Josh: *Ignoring Sean and Kyla* Sherona was bitten by a radioactive frog God.
Sean: JOSH! STOP CONTROLLING OTHER PEOPLES BACK STORY!
Santannah: *Appearing out of nowhere and interrupting everyone* EVERYONE GO LOOK UP SHELDON THE TINY TURTLE WHO THINKS HE’S A DINOSAUR!
Kyla: *Ignoring Santannah* Sherona wasn’t bitten by anything. Josh. She is a frog.
Josh:*Ignoring everyone* So, Namoo is the human cricket.
Sean: Josh. Can you shut your blabbering mouth? This is why I don’t tell you about my secret operations teams. You just give everything away.
Josh: So, who’s the villain? Besides Emo Puppy.
Sean: Dancing Queen seems to have become one. The Human Cricket. Draxx the Destroyer and his brother.
Santannah: What? Why am I a villain?
Sean: Umm, reasons.
*Later. Josh is staring intently at a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Jackson shaking hands, then coming to a realization.*
Josh: What if Michael Jackson became friends with Donald Trump and then killed him in 2009 and changed his face to look like Donald Trump and is now running for president?!?!
Sean: WHOA JOSH! 1. YOU’RE A GENIUS BIG SISTER! 2. WE’VE DISCOVERED WHO AND WHERE MICHAEL JACKSON IS! 3. THE WORLD IS AT STAKE HERE!
Josh: HES PROBABLY PLANNING ON RAPING MEXICAN BOYS!
Sean: YEA!
Josh: I MEAN HE LIVES IN NEW YORK! COOL TEMPERATURE KEEPS HIS FACE IN SHAPE!
Sean: AND HIS HAIR IS OBVIOUSLY NOT REAL!
Josh: GAH! HE MAKES HIS HAIR FROM FLIPPIN CORN!!!! COINCIDENCE?!?! EVER FREAKING REALIZE WHY HIS EYELIDS ARE THE ONLY PALE PART OF HIS FACE?!HIS EYES ARE THE ONLY UNTOUCHED PART OF HIS HEAD FROM THE SURGERY
Sean: HE’S A MONSTER! He’s out there now… *Looks dramatically off into the distance* This is just like when I found out that Moriarty was Hitler who was also Santa Claus.
*Josh shows a picture of young Bernie Sanders to Sean*
Sean: Such jew.
Josh: Such Sean. He looks just like Jew.
Sean: AGH! *Looks nervous*
David: He does though.
Sean: I DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A MUPPET WHEN I’M OLD.
David: Haha, yeeeaaaaahhhhhh.
*On TV a couple days later. Josh is suddenly the host of a news show.*
Josh: So Sean is now Bernie Sanders. Apparently. Don’t worry everyone. He’ll make rich pay their fair share of taxes!
Bernie: *Sean dressed up as Bernie Sanders appears* DA FAT CATZ OF WALL STREET! UGH!
Nate: *Watching the Show* Mm
*Later, Josh and Jasper burying something in his backyard.*
David: Sup guys?
Josh: *At first trying to think of a lie, but gives up and tells the truth* Disposing of bodies…
David: Fun! *Walks away*
Jasper: *Continuing to dispose of bodies* Am I super hot?
Josh: Well duh…
Jasper: Josh, you are so nice, I should have expected that from you. Sean will probably disagree.
Sean: *Disguised amongst the dead bodies they’re burying* What? Jasper, you are a beautiful creature. Worthy of adoration from the most voluptuous of women. *Jasper and Josh stare at Sean* Sooooooo, yeah.
*Bernie/Sean is now on Josh’s talk show again*
Josh: Did u get a comb yet, Bernie?
Bernie: I’LL PUNCH YA!
Josh: Ok ok, I just have one question.
Bernie: Hmm?
Josh: If you had to choose between dealing with the fat cats or global warming, which would it be?
Bernie: Yes.
Josh: No Bernie… *face palms* I said ‘choose’ between them. Not both Did u get a hearing aid yet?
Bernie: WHAT?!
Josh: GAH *repeats question several times*
Bernie: *looks grumpy*
Josh: Do you ever drink 1% milk? Or is that offensive?
Bernie: *Ignores Josh and looks off into the distance*
Josh: So yeah. Listening to Rolling Stones. You go to any concerts back in the day? Of them?
Bernie: Uhhhhh, I went to dis crazy one back in da day, there was a lot of red, and this guy with a cool mustache, it was a partay.
Josh: So. Are u going to start enforcing 99% milk when you become president?
Bernie: Yus! Global warming kills cows! AND KILLS THE MIDDLE CLASS!
Josh: So. What will happen when McDonald’s and chickfila, etc, start firing people because they don’t want to pay them $15 ph?
Bernie: DAT WON’T HAPPEN, BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL HAVE DAT MONEY!
Josh: You belong in a nursing home…
Bernie: NURSERY? I HAVE DEM KIDS!
Josh: What’s your opinion on this, Bern? *Gestures outside to the snow*
Bernie: Uhhhhh, this is clearly a sign of ummm, global warming…
Josh: I don’t see why there are still people out there who still don’t want you in office
Nate: Mm.
Bernie: Well, those people are probably very nice….uhhh…but I’m good, and I’ll take out the global warming.
*Sean, David, and Josh are sitting around, watching tv. Kyla walks in with a white manikin head.*
Kyla: Me and my boyfriend, Paulo.
David: *jaw drops*
Sean: With the bae?
David: *Clearly hurt* Kyla…
*Paulo kisses Kyla on the cheek*
Josh: That’s a pretty feminine guy.
Kyla: Until he puts his wig on and she becomes Paula, my girlfriend.
Santannah: *Appearing out of nowhere* Ohhhhhhh the tables have turned.
Sean: How the turntables have-……
Josh: *whispers* Don’t tell David you have a girlfriend.
Kyla: Paulo\a is genderfluid.
David: Don’t tell me you have a boyfriend for that matter… Kyla…
Kyla: We ain’t married yet, dawg.
Cyrus: But we engaged tho.
Josh: David. I’ve been married at least twelve times. To the same woman
Sean: Oh. Is he/she interested in open relationships?
Kyla: No. We’re exclusive. David. That’s illegal.
Sean: Dangit. I have this trans friend who only likes trans.
Kyla: Sawz.
Sean: Thats disappointing. Does he/she have a trans friend? Or possibly a brother/sister? *after no answer due to Kyla and Paulo making out* Kyla!
Kyla: No. And he’s a boy right now.
Sean: Dangit. So. How’s life everyone?
Kyla: Well, I got a boyfriend. So pretty great.
David: It’s great! I much prefer it over death. Kyla…
Josh: Yeah. Kyla’s boyfriend is rreeeaallly white. Almost as white as David.
Sean: Thats not always true, Kyla. Sometimes single life is much much better.
David: Super white. He prolly can’t even rap.
Sean: Noone can rap.
David: *holds back laughter at Josh’s comment. Somehow, in his laughter, it sounds like he said Luau Ghetto*
Sean: My great uncle was born in the Luau Ghetto. He said it was brutal.
Josh: Yeah. That’s me Sean.
Sean: What?
Josh: Cuz I’m your uncle. Along with everyone else in existence.
Sean: Oh, I forgot you were born in the Luau ghetto too. That’d make sense considering you were born in Hawaii. I have a few friends there. One of my best hitmen grew up there. Israel Kamakawiwoʻole. You may know him.
David: Yeah, we’re tight.
Sean: I send him on ‘over the rainbow’ trips, and making the world more wonderful.
David: Guys…
Josh: Ye?
Sean: What…
David: Kyla is openly cheating on me.
Sean: Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean you’re dating or married.
David: Oh, so like, engagement is a gray area for exclusiveness?
Josh: Well, me and Kyla are soul mates, but for some weird reason the universe won’t let us be together or the Milky Way will explode. And I’m not complaining.
Sean: 1. Apparently. That’s how Kyla sees it. 2. This is a true fact Josh. 3. If she was allowed to be married, she and I would still be married. And I would’ve only been married twice. And my kids would be happy.
Kyla: 1. No, David. We’ve talked about this. We won’t get engaged until we’re older. 2. That is a fact, Josh. 3. Another fact.
Josh: Oh. So David’s number gets a long sentence, but not us.
Sean: 1. Yea. 2. Talk about star crossed lovers. 3. Thanks Kyla.
David: I’m important, what can I say? She’s gotta put in quality wordage for her future husband. Right?
Sean: Don’t get so cocky David. She has a boyfriend, is soulmates with Josh, and just said she would still be married to me if she could.
Kyla: Fine. 1. No. 2. Very true. The universe has deemed it too much to ever happen. At least in the time. On this planet. In this life. 3. This is another fact. I rather enjoyed being married to Sean and my kids loved you as a father or at least a weird uncle. And loved your children as siblings. It’s a shame my family tore us apart.
Sean: Kyla, speak it!
Kyla: K nite. *Leaves, but Paulo sits down in a chair silently*
Sean: Goodnight.
Josh: What if me, Sean, David, and Paulo all morphed into one body? Would you that make you happy, Kyla? Would we then get married?
David: One word: Specimen.
Sean: *Backs away, terrified* No. No. No. No. No. No one is taking any part of my body.
Josh: I know the whole body sharing part is a deal breaker for you Sean *turns on morphing machine, which Josh just wheeled in* IM SORRY GUYS, BUT I NEED MY LOVE!
David: Don’t be sorry.
*Paulo lets himself be grabbed, but Sean attempts to run away*
*David catches Sean and the four jump into the morphing machine*
*all morph into a weird looking thing*
*morphing goes horribly wrong, killing Sean*
*God doesn’t let Sean die*
Josh: WHOA HI GOD. YOU ARE REALLY THERE!
Sean: God. Can you do me a favor? Yeah, thanks. Cool.
*Suddenly gets de-morphed*
Josh: SEAN! NO! *Pulls Sean and a nonchalant Paulo into morphing machine and they all morph into a flying lizard thing with feathers and roller blades*
Sean: *Demorphs again*
Josh: *injects Sean with heroin* Bye bye. Have fun while we morph!
Sean: YOU’RE PUMPING A DEADLY DRUG INTO A GUY YOU’RE ABOUT TO SHARE A BODY WITH??!?
Josh: YES! HSHAHA! I LIKE! IT THE DRUBS!
Morphed Monstrosity: So we ended up looking like this
*After their faces dry, they basically look like what would happen if they layered their faces on top of each other*
Morphed Monstrosity: Why does life just suck…..
Morphed Monstrosity: Or this…
*Their faces rearrange again*
Morphed Monstrosity: Or this…
*Another horrible layering of their faces is formed*
Santannah: *From the shadows* Beautiful…
Morphed Monstrosity: This is a miserable point in our group’s story.
Morphed Monstrosity: *Calls Kyla, and leaves a voicemail explaining what happened* So Kyla, *says terrifying morphed voices* will you marry me?
Morphed Monstrosity: NOOOOOOOO!!!!DON’T MARRY ME!
Morphed Monstrosity: Quiet Sean!
Santannah: Kyla marry Paulo!
Morphed Monstrosity: *morphed man starts to argue with himself, looking more terrifying* Paulo got morphed with us!
Santannah: Oh…
Morphed Monstrosity: GAH!
Santannah: ohhhhhh. Well, goodnight. *Leaves*
Morphed Monstrosity: Bye.
*Sean’s insanity, Josh’s nonchalantness, and David’s insecurities mash the minds together making them all basically incapable of thinking properly*
Morphed Monstrosity: Are you saying I don’t care about Kyla?
Morphed Monstrosity: oF COurSe NOt,.,.,$.4? YEssssSSŠdshb???? HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Morphed Monstrosity: Also Josh, instead of making us be able to marry Kyla, you made us 3 times more not able to marry her. Now Paulo and David don’t have a shot at Kyla’s love at all. Or at least her hand in marriage.
Morphed Monstrosity: That’s where you ain’t right Her family disapproved of you. Not all of us put together.
Morphed Monstrosity: Um… Insecurities?
Morphed Monstrosity: Josh. You and Kyla were too awesome to touch each other. Your solution is morph your body with three other immensely awesome people? What were you thinking?
Morphed Monstrosity: And the Milky Way would explode if me and Kyla were together because of my 100% hotness and her 100% hotness would become 200% and kill the solar system. But with you and David sharing a body with me brings it down to about 47% hotness.
Morphed Monstrosity: Um… My hair, Sean’s facial hair, your… Anyways, where could we go wrong?
Morphed Monstrosity: And Kyla said that she won’t marry David because he’s too young. But with all of us but together, we’re almost 50! (Cuz I’m guessing Paulo is like 3)
Morphed Monstrosity: Josh, you’re 16, right?
Morphed Monstrosity: Yeah.
Morphed Monstrosity: He would have to be 4.
Morphed Monstrosity: I subconsciously assumed you were 13.
Morphed Monstrosity: Lawyered.
Morphed Monstrosity: Hehe sorry, David.
Morphed Monstrosity: Idiot. He would have to be 6 in that case.
Morphed Monstrosity: And I said almost 50.
Morphed Monstrosity: You are making it worse.
Morphed Monstrosity: Not exactly 50.
Morphed Monstrosity: Whatever.
Morphed Monstrosity: But yeah. Let’s marry kk.
Morphed Monstrosity: The point sir? Oh. Eh.
Morphed Monstrosity: DAVID YOU KEPT ASKING WHY YOU CAN’T MARRY HER
Morphed Monstrosity: Seeing as how I’m the most powerful of the bodies I will be deciding what we do.
Morphed Monstrosity: NOW WE ALL CAN! Heh. Yeah. Ok
Morphed Monstrosity: Don’t you just think it’s a little odd that a 50 year old is marrying a 15 year old?
Morphed Monstrosity: No, because we still look our age.
Morphed Monstrosity: DAVID, WE GET IT. YOU’RE INSECURE. And I am hating every moment of this.
Morphed Monstrosity: How am I insecure?
Morphed Monstrosity: Sean! Just pretend for five minutes that you don’t have Gymnophobia! We don’t look like we’re 50. We still look our age. But all of us put together still makes us 50. It’s like a human marrying an elf. Ok well. I’m goin to bed now. Byyee.
Morphed Monstrosity: Well that means Sean and I also have to go to bed. Bye everyone.
*a quarter of the body falls asleep*
Morphed Monstrosity: 1. That’s not the problem anymore. I’m seeing your thoughts Josh. And ya’ll are ruining my style. You guys are cool, but there’s a reason this doesn’t work. 2. I plan on killing us. 3. I know this isn’t what we look like, but this is what I keep imagining us as. *Shows a picture of the three headed knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail*
Morphed Monstrosity: Ok
*Hits morphing machine, trying to make them look like the picture but ends up looking like a man with a cat tattoo on his face*
Morphed Monstrosity: GAH! WHATD I DO!? Alright bye.
*The next day, Kyla shows up at the house and sees the horrible creation lying on the carpet*
Morphed Monstrosity: Kyla, please, for the sake of children everywhere, help us however you can.
Morphed Monstrosity: That guy that I killed yesterday was the only person who knew how to work this thing. And I ate the manual cuz I was hungry.
Morphed Monstrosity: Yeah, Josh I don’t approve of these thoughts.
Morphed Monstrosity: *kicks the machine once more*
*During the transformation, Paulo pulls free from the rest of them, and returns to his genderfluid head*
*The remaining three end up looking like a middle aged black man*
Morphed Monstrosity: Um, no.
Morphed Monstrosity: Actually kind of looks like us put together in forty years…
Morphed Monstrosity: No, it doesn’t. You’re weird.
Morphed Monstrosity: *shrugs*
Morphed Monstrosity: *punches self in face* *groans* Worth it…
Kyla: *Overcoming her terror, she finally speaks* Wow.
Morphed Monstrosity: How’s it feel guys?
Kyla: All this for me. I feel so…. weirded out.
Morphed Monstrosity: See. She doesn’t like it. I no longer love you Josh.
Kyla: Can this be… undone?
Morphed Monstrosity: See?*
Kyla: *Able to tell David apart due to his obnoxiousness* David, shut up.
Morphed Monstrosity: Yes, but there is only one Way.
Morphed Monstrosity: That’s what I freakin want.
Morphed Monstrosity: Yes, but* One way Kyla. You must choose.
Morphed Monstrosity: And no, David, I don’t freakin want to do your dumb ‘one way’ scenario. There’s always more than one way.
Kyla: Josh. You did this. Fix it.
Morphed Monstrosity: Ok, Fine *kicks machine thing* *tries to fix it but ends up looking like the Child Eater from Pan’s Labyrinth*
Morphed Monstrosity: OH HEY! Pan’s Labyrinth! We look like the Child Eater from Pan’s Labyrinth.
Morphed Monstrosity: That’s horrifying.
Morphed Monstrosity: That’s actually pretty cool.
Morphed Monstrosity: Fine, David.
*kicks machine. They look like a shark with a spider face*
Morphed Monstrosity: GAH
Kyla: Guys. Wait.
Morphed Monstrosity: *kicks machine. They now appear as a horrifying death beast*
Morphed Monstrosity: AAAHH!
Kyla: You’re just making it worse!
Morphed Monstrosity: JUST STOP KICKING THE MACHINE!
Morphed Monstrosity: *tries pushing buttons. They now appear as Pennywise the Clown*
Morphed Monstrosity: KICKING DOESN’T HELP!
Kyla: Sttoooop.
Morphed Monstrosity: GGGAAAAAHHHHGGHG! HELP!
Kyla: *walks over to machine and presses reset button*
Morphed Monstrosity: JUST STOP TOUCHING IT YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF DONKEY SALIVA! *everything resets*
Kyla: C’mon Josh. U kidding me?
*suddenly every thing goes in reverse, going back and back into each former body, Paulo gets sucked then pushed out along with everyone else*
*Josh returns to his marvelous body*
*David returns to his own distinct body*
*Sean returns to his skinny, frail excuse for a being*
Josh: Who’s stupid idea was that anyway?
David: Hm… Yours I think, actually Josh.
Kyla: Also, she’s Paula today.
Josh: *eats machine* Yeah I guess he/she is gender fluid since all he/she is is a head.
David: *Suddenly stabs Josh in the neck, and laughs*
Josh: *Falling to the ground* GAH!
Sean: *In horror* DAVID!
David: *runs away*
Sean: WHAT THE HECK!?
Josh: *Gets up, chases his attacker down, and bites David in the neck, ripping throat out.*
Sean: *Runs over to Josh and gives him like 20 stimpaks*
David: *twiches* I don’t think the reset process was totally successful. *laughs maniacally*
Josh: *Josh hugs David as they both fall to the ground with blood spewing from their neck.*
David: *Temporarily goes into a state of sanity* help me *Goes back and takes out another knife*
Josh: *gurgles* NO YOU DON’T!
Kyla: *injects David with novocaine*
David: *Delusional, still rolling all over the floor* You never bit me child. That was all the blood rushing from your head. I already ran away.
Josh: *Takes another chunk out of David’s neck*
Kyla: Dude, you’re sitting there with Josh.
Sean: Someone’s nutty…
Josh: *Takes knife and repeatedly stabs David in the torso* *Gurgling*THIS WAS YOU *stab* NOT ME. YOU WERE MY BROTHER!
Sean: *Gives tons of stimpaks to both of them, healing them both inexplicably*
Josh: THIS ISNT FALLOUT WHERE YOU HAVE DEADPOOL INJECTIONS SEAN THIS IS REAL FREAKING LIFE! *Nonetheless is healed*
David: No. I don’t die. *Sobbing*
Josh: WITH MORPHING MACHINES!
David: I’m very much alive. *Laughing*
Josh: You feel that way because we’re both ghosts now!
David: No. We’re not. *Confused*
Josh: You’re not supposed to feel dead as a ghost. You’re supposed to feel lighter and alive.
David: Shut up Idiot. I just stabbed you in the neck. You don’t have the energy to bite my throat out.
Josh: Alright, bye. Got things to do *Gets up and walks out*
David: *facepalms* Did he just casually leave after being revived?
Sean: Apparently.
*The two sit there awkwardly. End scene*
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