Finding Paylo Part 1: A Pop Secret Mission
*Julie is seen hiding behind a couch at a friend’s house. Barbie and the Three Musketeers plays on the TV. Julie frantically calls Sean*
Julie: So, I’m over at Baylee’s with Ashton and they’re making me watch Barbie and the Three Musketeers. Can my kidnapping happen now? *Laughs and cries simultaneously*
Sean: *At his house* Sure. *Walks out door as if he’s already been ready* I’ll be there in a few.
Julie: *Still doing weird laugh-cry thing* Good. I am slowly dying.
Sean: Tell your friends you’re going for a smoke break. *Gets inside car*
Julie: They would kill me. Umm, I’m going to pretend I just saw a monster outside. They’ll run screaming.
Sean: *Starts driving* Okay. *Attempts to think* Okay. Tell them you saw Pig Rat outside.
Julie: *Sobbing as her friends turn up the volume* The inexplicable British people in France…the spoiled brats…the undeveloped characters…The barbiesssssssss! *Crying profusely*
Sean: I’m almost there. Just stay with me! KEEP BREATHING JULIE!
Julie: *Laying on the floor as if about to die* The darkness is closing in…
Sean: I’M THREE MINUTES AWAY! JUST HOLD ON!
Julie: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM THOUGH!
Sean: I ALWAYS KNOW WHERE YOU ARE! DON’T DOUBT ME!
Julie: REALLY CREEPY, OKAY, BUT I’M DYING….SO…..
Sean: *Screeches up in white van* ALRIGHT, ARE YOU OUTSIDE???
Julie: NOT YET! BAYLEE JUST SAID SHE WANTS TO GO TO THE MILITARY BALL WIRH ROY! THIS IS IMPORTANT!
Sean: Ugh. *Bangs head on steering wheel in frustration* I’ll wait.
Julie: *After a couple of moments, runs out of the house and hops in shotgun* DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!
Sean: Wait, shouldn’t I like, kidnap you or something? *Looks really confused*
Julie: This movie is too awful. STEP ON IT!
Sean: *Starts driving, completely confused*
*All new opening credits come on, making it look like an actual, intriguing show, with scenes in the credits no one has seen before and cool spy music*
Julie: *After driving a considerable distance without speaking* …do you even have a license?
Sean: *Ignoring Julie* So, there’s some tape in the glove compartment. Could you put that over your mouth? And while you’re at it, could you bind your wrists? I’m driving, and I really shouldn’t do two things at once.
Julie: That’s so cliché. *reclines chair, puts feet up on dashboard* Bite me.
Sean: Well, you see, I’m not that kind of kidnapper, but you can bite yourself if you want. Umm, yeah, there’s also a gun in the cup holder, just pretend I’m pointing that at you. Please tape yourself.
Julie: One, figure of speech, jerk. Two, I’ll tape myself if I get to choose the music.
Sean: *Tries to get sassy, but kind of fails* Well, one, I knew that. Two, ugh, fine, just pretend you can’t move.
Julie: *Turns on 95x because she can* Sooo, what’s the plan?
Sean: Ugh. *Doesn’t do anything because he’s stressed out foucesing on the road* umm, well, I’m probably gonna bring you to one of my hideouts or something, and then uh, we can figure it out.
Julie: Soooo, you didn’t plan this out very thoroughly, did you?
Sean: Well, you called me up rather last minute.
Julie: Touché. Do you have wifi at your “hideout”?
Sean: Well, it depends on which one we’re going to. I’ll go to one of the ones with wifi. Oh, wait, actually I can’t let you have your phone. That’d go against the point of me kidnapping you.
Julie: But I don’t have any data…how am I supposed to watch Netflix?
Sean: I have a tv there, you can decide what show to watch.
Julie: Sweet. I need to finish Supernatural anyways.
Sean: Oh, I’ll just leave you to that while I sharpen my torture devices.
Julie: Oh, fun.
Sean: It’s not you, it’s me and my lack of interest for Supernatural.
Julie: We could watch Psych. Or rewatch Jessica Jones.
Sean: Ugh, David ruined Psych. Just like Angel ruined Supernatural.
Julie: He’s making me watch it. Jessica Jones then?
Sean: Sure, I haven’t seen it yet. But I mean, on one condition.
Julie: This isn’t going to be fun, is it?
Sean: Well, I’m kidnapping you. I need to do kidnappy things.
Julie: Ughhhhhhhh, okay, whateverrrrr.
Sean: You can choose what kidnapper you want me to be like, because like, as long as I’m like a kidnapper…
Julie: You do you. I’m going to sleep. This is exhausting.
Sean: Goodnight. Torture you or whatever tomorrow.
Sean: *The next day, Sean enters Josh’s apartment, where he and Kyla are watching TV* My new friend, Sam Peppertree. *Shows picture of an adorable bear*
Josh: *Turns his head. I applaud you.
Sean: He’s a music producer from England.
Josh: *looking back at the screen, he says nonchalantly* I dated his sister.
Sean: No. He doesn’t have siblings. Back off, racist. Not all bears look the same.
Josh: *Still just looking at the screen* She was adopted and human.
Sean: He doesn’t have any siblings.
Josh: *jumps up and grabs Sean by the arms* HAVE YOU GROWN UP WITH THE MAN?!
Sean: HAVE YOU?!?
Josh: *Sits down calmly again* I’m gonna start calling him “the British Bear”.
Sean: And that’s racist.
Josh: And you’re white.
Sean: So, I saw this today. *Shows picture of the names Brittany and Josh inside a heart carved into a stone*
Kyla: *Nodding sincerely* We were meant to be.
Josh: Where was that?
Sean: Fort Macon.
Josh: Why were you in Georgia? Or whatever state that’s in.
Sean: Fort Macon is in North Carolina.
Josh: What? Oh.
Sean: It’s the site of a civil war battlefield near Morehead.
Josh: Weelll, Either me or KK wrote that, though I have no memory of it. *after a moment of silence* Or we have a stalker…
Sean: Maybe the universe wrote it.
Josh: *suddenly annoyed* That cold hearted biscuit!
Sean: Well, its trying to send its condolences for not letting you guys be together.
Sean: I’m slightly sad that the universe chose Josh over me, but oh well, such is life.
Kyla: The universe has it’s reasons. Who are we to question, amirite? *shrugs*
Sean: Well, I’m me. I’m a different universe, but a universe nonetheless. But yeah, there you go.
Josh: *still trying to figure out where Fort Macon is * Weren’t we there together once? *Suddenly returning to the current topic* But why’s the universe sending that to us now? I mean, it was established like two years ago. Maybe…*comes to a realization* I feel a slightly ridiculous and completely unnecessary story line coming on…
Sean: Oh no…
Josh: *Turns off television and stands up triumphantly* IM GONNA FIND THAT UNIVERSE AND FIND OUT WHAT HE/SHE KNOW! By the way, the universe is gender fluid.
Sean: Well, how would you know?
Josh: Sean. I’m Josh Doeffinger. The Uncle. I know these things.
Sean: *In disgust* Ugh, as creepy uncle, I suppose you know everyone’s gender.
Josh: Yeah. Gender or ‘gender’. SO YEA IM GONNA FIND PAYLO! That’s his/hers name.
Sean: Umm, I don’t think so.
Josh: So um. Where’s PAYLO? That jerk won’t even let me shake Kyla’s hand without the country blowing up. That’s why we only do the finger touch thing and it sizzles.
Sean: Yes, I know, I developed the theory.
Josh: PAYLO is on Mars right?
Kyla: *Having zoned out and suddenly snapping back to attention* Who the heck is paylo?
Josh: PAYLO is the universe.
Kyla: Um. Why?
Josh: I don’t make the rules, Kyla.
Sean: PAYLO wouldn’t be on mars if he’s the universe. He just would be.
Josh: PAYLO is the universe’s flesh form. Kind of like Jesus with God, I suppose
Sean: Hmm. I don’t like PAYLO. He stresses me out.
Josh: That’s why I need to talk to him.
Kyla: PAYLO needs to back off, honestly.
Sean: I don’t think you should even grace the brathole with your presence, Josh.
Josh: *Suddenly angry* GFUYAHB! HE TOOK AWAY MY ABILITY TO BE WITH KYLA WHICH LED ME TO THAT IDEA OF MORPHING OUR BODIES! Terrifying experience by the way. During that time I kept feeling the urge to have…. Pills. And sing rap terribly like a white boy…*shudders*
Sean: Well, once again, I think that your inability to touch Kyla is not even the universe’s area to change.
Josh: Well the universe said so.
Sean: Well, your awesomeness did too.
Josh: SO. All I have to do is break into the closest NASA base and use a Mars rover to talk to PAYLO. *Runs out of the room*
*Later that day, in the evening Josh walks into his apartment, clearly exhausted from running*
Josh: Ok, well apparently NASA doesn’t let people drive the rovers. Even if you pay. They also aren’t very friendly if you try to break in and use it anyways.
Sean: *Turns to look at Josh, with a bandage over his eye* I could’ve told you that.
Josh: Oh, Thank you Sean for doing that for me. Even though it was completely pointless.
Sean: Yeah, but, you’re Josh. *Tries to sound upbeat* Most things for you!
Josh: *pets cheek* yes child….
Sean: *Freaked out* Alright, so, yeah, don’t do that.
Josh: So, I figured that a better way to talk to PAYLO is to actually fly to Mars and to do that I need the help of some alien technology. Sooooooo….
Sean: Well, breathing and surviving the cold can be a problem.
Josh: I’m gonna break into Area 51.
Sean: Oh, you should probably know, its not really in Nevada. I know the real location.
Josh: Oh. Ok. You’ll drive. I got some tranquilizer guns
Sean: Well, not really in the mood to drive, but its actually in Belize And DC
Josh: Belize and DC?
Sean: Under DC. *Thinks for a second* It’s actually in a lot of places Josh. They have teleportation devices connecting all the sections.
Josh: So it’s in every state except Nevada? Wow. Those Americans are geniuses
Sean: Well, the teleportation center is in Nevada But the actual secret info is all over the world.
Josh: Soooo is there one in NC?
Sean: Umm, maybe, I don’t think I’ve been to that one if there is.
Josh: Alright I’m gonna go. Wish me luck!
Sean: Alright, good luck! OH! You’ll need a different password for each teleportation device, by the way. Only one person knows all the passwords…
Josh: *thinks for a moment* …… ORVILLE!!
Sean: *Is excited, but seemingly annoyed by the fact that Josh figured it out and he couldn’t* EXACTLY!! THAT’S HOW HE WAS ABLE TO GET WILBUR INTO OTIS’ BASE!
Josh: HE KNEW I WOULD BE ON THIS MISSION! HE WANTED….. He wants to talk to me. This is a pretty juicy peace of info.
Sean: Josh. Put on a recording device. This will help solve the Orville/Wilbur mystery, as well as solve the universe problem. I need you to do this.
Josh: Ok. *Takes a deep breath* You got his location?
Sean: The Wright Building. Remember?
Josh: Of course…
Sean: *hands recording device and laser pistol* This pistol will still work on the atmosphere of Mars.
Josh: OOOH! A LASER GUN IS IT UNLIMITED AMMO?!?! HAHAHAHAHHANXNCJDNjjs!
Josh: GAH! You can’t win.
Sean: But it has like millions of electron packs.
Josh: So. Is the gun a precaution? Or do you want me to make a mess?
Sean: Yeah, of course it’s a precaution. Mars is a dangerous place.
Josh: Well, aren’t you sending me to talk to Orville right now?
Sean: Yeah, but Orville has the codes that will lead you to the alien spaceship that will fly you to mars where you will meet PAYLO. So, you need the laser gun. Martians are brutal this time of year.
Josh: Yeah. Especially since they have different months than us.
*Josh and Sean drive up to the Wright building, which stands ominously alone in what is otherwise an empty country road*
Josh: Ok. I’m going in.
Sean: Josh, jealous though I am, the universe chose you. You have to do this alone. For Kyla. Good luck.
Josh: *hunger games lip touch thing*
Sean: *does the same thing, but to Josh’s lips instead of his own*
Josh: *walks in as Sean drives off, takes elevator to the 11th and top floor. As the elevator doors open, there he is. Orville Redenbacher. A decrepit old man who clearly should’ve died years ago, in an old suit and large glasses. He sits at a huge desk with several popcorn makers on and around it. He smiles evilly as Josh walks in.*
Josh: ….. Uhm. *clears throat* Hi there … Orville?
Orville: *smiling demonically, in an old fashioned southern accent* Oh, well, hello, Josh…
Josh: *Nervously* So…. You wanted to talk to me?!
Orville: Of course. *Holds up a jar of popcorn kernels in a weird sort of toast* How’s life?
Josh: Would be better if I had those codes…
Orville: *Still smiling* Ah, straight to the point. *Suddenly frowning* I hate that in a man. Regardless, you need those codes to go to mars, correct?
Orville: In order to meet the personification of the universe, yes?
Josh: Yes. And to get vengeance on the man who took away my soul mate. Now, I would be in your debt if you gave me those passcodes. Are they… In that jar of… Whatever the heck that is. *Gestures to the kernel jar*
Orville: Well it just so happens that I am in need of something as well. Something that also has to do with vengeance.
Josh: …. Is this somehow linked to a Whitehouse?
Orville: *maniacally laughs, flashing his rotting teeth, which are seemingly about to fall out of his mouth at any moment*
Josh: …. Otis is like. Really dead though, right?
Orville: Of course, but so is my close friend Wilbur. Wilbur and I’s goal was to rid the world of the oppression of the ‘Great Pig’. You see, Otis is never really dead as long as one man is alive. Already, this man is hinting at a return of Otis. This man has been pulling the strings since the beginning.
Josh: What man? …. Sean? Connor?
Orville: *Slightly confused by Josh’s mention of a person named Connor, continues anyway* And though he calls you his friend, he plans on disposing of you when he gets the chance, having already admitted his jealousy. Orville: He’s a monster. You must come to accept it.
Josh: But… He…
Orville: Paul Sean Condon is a monster.
Josh: He gave me the location of you though.
Orville: *Looks angry and frustrated, his smile, more forced and terrifying by the minute* Don’t you see?
Josh: So you… want me to kill him?
Orville: HE WANTS YOU TO KILL ME FOR THE CODES! But I have another plan. *smiles evilly* You are a fantastic assassin, why wouldn’t he send you? Nobody does it butter. *attempts to wink about pun, but just awkwardly blinks* So, I want you to assassinate him and then I’ll give you not only the codes, but a life time’s supply of popcorn.
Josh: *pulls out laser gun* Sean is a good person. We may disagree on a number of things, but he doesn’t deserve to die. And as far as I’m concerned, you’re just a filthy mobster mass murderer. Now, give me the codes.
Orville: To be with your soulmate, to eat all that popcorn, to be free of that hypocritical, self righteous, manipulative monster called Sean. Think of all the stuff that he’s done. Think of all the sides he’s changed. Think of all the girls he’s married, not caring about their emotional state at all. Look at what I’m offering. *Raises kernel jar again* Freedom.
Josh: He’s never killed people like you unless he’s had no choice. And I’m hesitant to believe he wanted me to kill you. And I’m not much of a popcorn guy
Orville: Ugh, he’s fooled you! You’re blind! Don’t you wish to be with Kyla?!?!?!
Josh: *covers face* GAHHH!!!! JUST SLIDE OVER THE JAR!!!
Orville: KILL THE PIG FIRST!!! *hisses* The true pig…
Orville: The pig man….
Josh: OTIS WAS THE TRUE PIG! SEAN WAS NOTHING WITHOUT OTIS!
Orville: DO IT OR YOU WILL NEVER BE WITH YOUR LOVE!
Josh: GIVE ME THE JAR!
Josh: *shoots Orville’s hand*
Orville: *looks as if he doesn’t feel anything due to his leprosy* KILL SEAN AND YOU WILL BE FREE! *doesn’t notice the hole in his hand*
Josh: Dude. You know there’s a cure for that…?
Orville: *Completely oblivious* What?
Josh: Just…Never mind…
Orville: KILL HIM!!
Josh: *runs over and jumps on desk, grabbing the jar, then punches Orville*
Orville: *in a shrill, shrieking voice* NO! GIVE THAT BACK YOU BURNT CORN!!
Josh: *Suddenly stops, standing on the desk* Do you have security? I thought you were a mob boss?
Orville: I HOPE YOU GET KERNELS STUCK IN YOUR TEETH! *In normal voice* You would think, but it really was just Wilbur and I. Now it’s just me. I’m not really a mob boss. Just a man. A man who makes popcorn and freedom.
Josh: And kills whoever. And how the heck could you be friends with Wilbur? I’m not just talking about his physical appearance. He’s just ccrraaaazzaAyy!
Orville: Sean isn’t whoever. Neither were Otis, or Juan, or Wilbur when I betrayed and killed him. AND HE LIKED MY POPCORN!
Josh: You killed Wilbur?!?!
Orville: *Says like it should be obvious* Uh, yeah, the people who trampled on him did so because I put him right where he needed to be. I didn’t help kill JFK for no reason.
Josh: *drops C4 on the floor then shoots grappling gun out the window. Just before swinging away, he says* and your popcorn smells like crap! *pushes bomb button*
Orville: *screams out in fear* WHAT?!?! YOU POPPED ME!!!! *explodes into giant pop corn piece* *dies*
*Wright building explodes dramatically behind Josh. Josh scrambles away, running down the road. He walks into a closed Target with his hand uncontrollably shaking. Walks in food court thing and pours all the unpopped popcorn on table.*
*Suddenly a Target Greeter runs over*
Target Greeter: *in terrifyingly cheerful voice* Greetings! Welcome to Target! What the hell do you think you’re doing!?
Josh: Walk away. Police business.
Target Greeter: Oh! *runs away*
Josh: *looks around in the corn. On the table alongside all the unpopped popcorn is a tiny piece of paper that has the codes to all 40 teleporters. Coincidently, the password for all of them is ‘password’. Yet for some reason, Orville wrote ‘password’ down 40 times. Josh puts the paper in his pocket right before his phone rings. He answers.*
Sean: It’s me, Sean.
Josh: *freezes* Sean. Hey.
Sean: I heard everything on the recording device, I forgot to mention it was live.
Sean: Thanks for sticking up for me, and I’m glad we’ve finally exacted revenge for the great pig’s death. I know its hard, but remember, I’m trying to help you.
Josh: Yeah. But I accidentally dropped the jar before I jumped out of the building
Sean: Then what was the sound of those kernels pouring out everywhere at the target?
Josh: I… Bought some m&ms Kind of a craving nowadays Well I mean I had m&ms in my pocket I bought them yesterday
Sean: Oh. Dangit! That was a lot of m&ms. Are you pregnant again? Sorry, just asking cuz of the cravings…
Josh: Haha yeah… No, me and Hana are divorced. Never been with a woman since my divorce. Besides six kids is way enough.
Sean: Okee dokee. I have a B-29 Superfortress waiting to give you a ride to Nevada. It’s gonna meet you at Target.
Josh: What? I thought we needed the passwords?
Sean: Inside of the plane are some of the best hackers I know, if they can’t figure out the password, no one can. *Slightly cockily* I always have a backup.
Josh: Sean? *Is about to ask something* You know, why don’t we do this tomorrow. I haven’t killed anyone in awhile. I need to get my instinct back intact.
Sean: Good idea. You shouldn’t be in a closed target anyway. Talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight. *hangs up*
Josh: Alright. There’s a serial killer with my knife’s name on it.
Black Market Dealer: Hello?
Josh: It’s Josh. I need some merchandise.