Finding PAYLO Part 3: My Big Fat Native Wedding
*Meanwhile, waiting for the wedding, Josh walks around a Walmart, getting food and booze. Afterwards, walks back to the house with stolen shopping cart.*
Josh:*Says to Koreans as he enters a room at the Native American man’s House* Hey boys. *Hands cigarette to each of Koreans, lights them up* Kim!
Kim: I don’t smoke, aren’t you doing all this for your soul mate? Why are you getting married?
Josh: *whispers in ear* I’ll set the girl free once were off on the road. I’ll call Sean. He’ll probably marry her. But Kim. I want you teaching all of your men English. I want them to get the jist of it within three days. Do that and I promise you, that if I come back alive, your family will come to America.
Kim: I’ll try. I just heard from the weird guy that the wedding has been delayed until tomorrow.
Josh: Gah. Well where are we gonna sleep?
Kim: I guess the motel down the street.
Josh: Ugh. Ok
Kim: You seem to have plenty of money.
Josh: I know I’m just lazy. Lets go.
*In motel, Josh and all the Asians stay in the same room because the Asians are scared without Josh*
*Josh sleeps on the couch as the Koreans all sleep piled up on the bed*
*Same opening as all the other PAYLO episodes comes on, with the cool spy music and whatnot*
*At the wedding, Josh sits near a huge bonfire accompanied by the korean hackers. On the other side of the fire is Little Fox, her grandfather, and several random locals.*
*Kim is Josh’s best man*
Native American Man: *Stands up and holds out hand to Josh* Come.
Little Fox: *Leans over to her grandfather* I thought the ancestors said I had to marry a white man. Dude’s clearly Jewish.
Josh: *takes hand*
Native American Man: What’s a jew?
Josh: *Trying to change the subject* Aannyywayyy…
Native American Man: *squeezes Josh’s hand* Are you prepared?
Josh: Yes, soon-to-be father.
Native American Man: Grandfather.
Josh: Gah, sorry.
Native American Man: What is your name?
Native American Man: Just Josh?
Little Fox: *mutters* gross.
Josh: *Suddenly freaking out* OKAY! I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!
*Runs away with Asians*
Native American Man: COME BACK!
Little Fox: Oh c’mon.
Josh: *says as he runs away* Your granddaughters a jerk! Bye friend!
Kim: What are we gonna do now? *while running*
Josh: Find another car *keeps running*
Kim: One that can fit all of us?
Josh: Don’t worry. * looks ahead* I’ve got an idea.
*an hour later*
*Josh sneaks onto a public school property alone, in the middle of the night.*
Josh: *Jumps in an empty schoolbus and starts hot wiring. Behind him the Native American man and Little Fox are waiting in some seats.*
Native American Man: *Startling Josh* You have broken rules! THE SPIRITS CURSE YOU! THERE’S NO ESCAPE!!
Josh: *Completely terrified* WHAT THE EVEN HECK MAN!?!?
Little Fox: Left at the alter. Unbelievable. Freaking cracker. Promise me something and then wrench it away. What a liar. So typical of the white man.
Native American Man: YOU BROKE PROMISE. LITTLE FOX NEEDS WHITE MAN!!
Little Fox: I need me a white man, G.
Josh: Ok. Ok. Listen. Your granddaughter is hot. But she didn’t want to marry me
Little Fox: Ain’t nobody said that.
Josh: And I really don’t want or need a wife.
Little Fox: You already promised.
Native American Man: The spirits tell me different.
Little Fox: You must follow through or the spirits will curse you and all your endeavors.
Josh: Okay, why are you guys even here at a school at midnight???
Little Fox: THE SPIRITS TOLD US YOU’D BE HERE. ARE YOU SEEING A PATTERN YET, DING DONG?
Native American Man: YES!
Josh: THERES NO SUCH THING AS SPIRITS!! YEAH! I SAID IT!
Little Fox: Oy vey. A nonbeliever.
Native American Man: *scoff* Haha, ignorant white man.
Little Fox: Get a load of this, G-pa. Says the spirits aren’t real.
Josh: Ok. Fine *Walks back with them to the bond fire. Asians jump out of bushes and follow.*
Native American Man: *Back at the fire* Alright. Ready?
Native American Man: Ready to connect?
Josh: Yes. Fine.
Native American Man: Ready to see a new world?!?
Native American Man: Ready to become a new man?!?!?!?!
Josh: …. Ok…
Native American Man: READY TO BE INTERTWINED WITH LITTLE FOX?!?????
Josh: Dude. Just do it already.
Native American Man: Well, first you must have new name.
Josh: Ok. I am shadow skull. *In head* I guess.
Little Fox: Wow. Get more dramatic, please.
Native American Man: *Closes eyes, thinking* Jew Squirrel. That is your name.
Little Fox: Yes, I feel it. The spirits agree.
Native American Man: Now, come together Little Fox and Jew Squirrel.
Josh: My name is Josh! Josh of the dough fingers!!
Little Fox: G-pap, he’s rejecting the ritual again.
Native American Man: *Takes vines with flowers scotch taped to them and wraps the two together.*
Josh: Sooo. Is that it then?
Little Fox: Hush. Feel the raw power of our souls entwining.
Native American Man: Now, you must speak the words “I love you with love of spirits, and will do so, until eternity” while staring deep into eyes of other.
*Koreans wipe tears off their eyes*
Native American Man: Say it.
Josh: I do.
Little Fox: The whole thing, cracker.
Native American Man: No. Say the words.
Little Fox: Don’t be skimping out here.
Josh: What words?
Native American Man: You must say it at the same time Little Fox.
Josh: Ok. One two three
*says “I love you with love of spirits, and will do so, until eternity” at same time*
Native American Man: Now, you must butterfly kiss.
Josh: *All out lip kisses Little Fox*
Santannah: *Suddenly appearing beside the bonfire* What is happening?
Native American Man: BUTTERFLY KISS! GET A TENT!
Josh: Uuhhh. A tent?
Little Fox: Gosh. Slow down. We just met. Finish the marriage first at least.
Josh: That was part of the marriage.
Native American Man: Now butterfly kiss.
Josh: *butterfly kiss*
Little Fox: Good.
Native American Man: Good. Now. I will pour the honey of the spirits on your head. *pours honey*
Josh: Umm. Ok. Now what?
Native American Man: The Great Spirit, PAYLO, has given us orders to make you two sign a paper.
Native American Man: *In exactly the same tone as before* The Great Spirit, PAYLO, has given us orders to make you two sign a paper.
Little Fox: Oh, PAYLO himself? Gimme dat paper.
Josh: You never said that!
Native American Man: Said what?
Little Fox: Dude. We been talking about the spirits the while time.
Josh: *writes down Jew squirrel*
Little Fox: *writes down Little Fox*
Native American Man: Now write that you will never break this contract.
Josh: *writes something completely different but in Español*
Native American Man: *Looks unimpressed* I speak Spanish. No.
Little Fox: C’mon. You want that van or nah?
Josh: Um. This is what people in the military say in a contract.
Little Fox: Do we look military?
Native American Man: No.
Josh: Ok. Ok. *writes signature with a microscopic picture of crossed fingers.*
Little Fox: PAYLO feels deception.
Native American Man: *Closes eyes and looks mystical* PAYLO is talking to us.
Josh: WHAT IS IT GRANDPA?!
Little Fox: PAYLO is aggregated.
Native American Man: *As if listening to ghosts at a séance* PAYLO says that you love another. That you lie.
Josh: Oh. Lie about what?
Native American Man: About your love for little fox.
Josh: I actually never technically said that I love little fox.
Native American Man: You said you loved her with the love of spirits.
Josh: What? I don’t remember that
Little Fox: Of all the white men to stumble into our town, I had to marry the amnesiac.
Josh: HEY! Do you want to marry me or not?!
Little Fox: The wedding isn’t even over and you forgot you love me!
Josh: It is over! We kissed!
Native American Man: You lie! You have sh- *stops* Paylo says ‘duck’. *Looks intense* WHERE PAYLO?!? WHERE IS THE DUCK?!?
*suddenly Native American Man is shot*
Josh: What the F–
*bullet hits Josh*
Little Fox: No! *runs to Native American Man*
*Bursting out of the bushes is a squadron of what looks like Nazi WWII soldiers*
Little Fox: Aw, not the Nazis again. Jew Squirrel, what’s happening? I thought the white men had finished the Nazis long time ago!?
*Josh groans as the bullet had struck his vest. He gets back up quickly, takes out his glock and starts shooting at Nazis*
Native American Man: Little Fox, you must escape with white man. I am sorry. *dies*
Little Fox: No, grandfather!
*Nazis shoot everyone they can as the civilians and Koreans run for their lives*
Josh: *grabs little fox*
Little Fox: *Struggling to return to her grandfather’s side* Noooo! Grandfather!
Josh: *Picks up little fox*
Little Fox: *through tears* Quick, the van.
Josh: Where’s the keys?!
Little Fox: In the ignition!
*The SS soldiers fire at the van, blowing it up*
Josh: OH COME FREAKING ON!!!!! *runs with little fox and Asians and puts them in a backyard* Stay here.
*These seem to be advanced units of a SS Panzer Division. Their vehicle is the amphibious
Josh: *Runs inside house for his duffle bag but only finds his compound bow and quiver* Crap. My bag is outside.
*The SS begin to spray the house with MG-42s and MP-40s*
Little Fox: *calls from outside* Jew Squirrel!
Josh: *jumps out of house onto side lawn and aims sharp arrow at the leader of the Nazi then releases the bow string.*
*The leader is hit in the arm, and yells out in pain, but pulls out the arrow like a boss, and takes out his Mauser.*
Josh: *Loads another arrow, except this time it has an explosive tip and shoots it at their car. The arrow doesn’t go off*
Josh: *Shoots another sharp arrow at the leader, but misses*
SS Officer: *in awesome accent* Josh Doeffinger. I have heard much about you. I expected you to be a little more German. But you look like nothing but a filthy Jew to me. *Nazis laugh*
Josh: * With a puzzled face, Josh puts down the bow and throws a flash bang at the Nazis.*
*The Nazis are thrown into confusion and begin shooting in all directions.*
Josh: *Josh jumps behind house waiting for them to reload, and puts a suppressor on his glock*
*Meanwhile, a few Nazis are hunting after Little Fox and the remaining koreans*
SS soldier: Come out come out, little girls…
Little Fox: Less white men. Jew Squirrel has hidden us poorly. We must escape.
*SS soldiers hear this, and mow down a few Koreans*
*Kim jumps towards the Nazi screaming, and smashes his laptop on his head*
Little Fox: Whoa. Korean be cray. I was thinking we go in the other direction.
*the Nazi’s helmet breaks the computer, but Kim stabs the Nazi in the eye with a pen and throws the
remaining computer pieces at the other Nazi*
*The two Nazis fall down in pain*
*Kim runs into strangers house*
*Back where the Nazi leader is, Josh fires a few suppressed shots at any Nazi that walks towards the house*
Josh: *Josh runs out of pistol rounds. He pulls out a smoke grenade and throws it at the car.*
*The car charges straight into the house, smashing through the wall.*
*Josh slashes out Bowie knife and kills remaining Nazis that are outside, leaving only the SS officer, before finally getting to his duffle bag.*
*The SS Officer takes out his Hitler Youth Knife and slashes at Josh*
Josh: Ow! *Pulls katana out of duffle bag*
SS Officer: Such a pity. We need more labor at the camps. Oh well, in the name of the REICH!!!! *Charges at Josh*
Josh: *Slashes katana*
*SS officer doubles back in pain, taking out his Mauser and aiming it at Josh again*
Josh: *jumps behind house*
SS Officer: Come out and face me like a man! Your dear Kyla would want it.
Josh: *takes Suppressed assault rifle with grenade launcher attachment out of duffle bag. At hearing Kyla’s beautiful name being said by this filthy monster, Josh is filled with rage. He fires his grenade launcher.*
*The grenade explodes near the SS Officer, blowing off his legs and throwing him into the air.*
*The SS Officer lies on the ground, bleeding out onto the grass*
Josh: *Walks towards him with rifle pointed at him*
*His Mauser lies a couple feet away*
Josh: *Kicks Mauser a few feet further*
SS Officer: *sputtering through blood* Do it. Kill me.
*Native American Man’s ghost begins to play dramatic ghost-ish organ music in the background.*
Josh: *Puts foot on chest* Not yet.
SS Officer: GAH! Finish me!
Little Fox: *Running into the back yard* Jew Squirrel. This man killed my grandfather. Lemme gank ‘im.
SS Officer: *SS Officer looks at Little Fox* Shut up, filthy lesser being!
Josh: *Takes out a fire blower thing and Cauterize his wounds, stopping the bleeding*
Old Native American Man: *communicates through the spirits to Little Fox* Stay strong young one. I fulfilled my purpose.
Little Fox: Oh, naw. Gimme yo’ rifle.
*It’s clear the Nazi’s going to die regardless, due to other wounds, he has limited time left*
Josh: *Drags him and remaining Nazis into a random house, locking everyone else out*
Little Fox: Jew Squirrel, what are doing?
*SS Officer dies before he can reach house*
*For a few hours everyone just hears screaming and Josh asking questions*
*josh exits the house with the officer dead and the remaining Nazi bleeding profusely*
*Only one Nazi remains. The one who got hit by the computer.*
Nazi: Wait! Don’t kill me.
*This Nazi grabs the mauser and shoots himself*
*Josh hands the Nazis guns to the Asians and teaches them how to shoot*
Santannah: I give up…
*The police show up, wanting to ask a few questions*
*Josh picks up all weapons and gets in the Schwimwaggen getting ready to drive off with everyone.*
Josh: *Nervously* Hello officers…umm….hello officers… uhhhhh
Police Officer: DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND EXIT THE VEHICLE!
Josh: *Takes out a tranquilizer gun and shoots both cops*
*Police drop, knocked out*
*Josh catches them before they can hit the ground. Puts them both back into the police car.*
*As Josh is returning to the schwimwaggen, he gets a phone call.*
Sean: *Sounds worried* Hey, it’s Sean. What’s going on?
Josh: Sean. What do you want?
Little Fox: Who’s Sean?
Josh: A friend. I’m busy Sean.
Sean: Where are you? Who are you talking to?
Josh: Let’s go guys.
Josh: *Turns off phone, then gets in the car, and drives off with everyone in.*
Sean: *Calls on one of the Korean’s phones five minutes later*
Josh: Oh come on! *says while driving*
Little Fox: For heaven sake. *grabs phone* Hello? Is this Sean?
Sean: Yes, who is this? *new, flirty tone in voice.*
Little Fox: This is Josh’s wife, Little Fox.
Josh: Did the wedding actually go through all the way?
Little Fox: Yes. Although you did upset PAYLO.
Korean: Did you just talk that phone from me?
Sean: *pause* Well…..okay….let him know that Dav- ugh…Cyrus is being sent to your location to help out.
Josh: Oh. Well my last wedding ended on good circumstances.
Little Fox: Will do. Is that all?
Sean: He had nothing better to do, and wanted to help.
Josh: Sean? Are you sending David? He’s a cop!! I’ll have to wear a mask.
Sean: Yea, but he knows us well.
David: *Steals phone from Sean* I used to be a cop. I only was on the force in the first place to gain access to drugs.
Sean: *Takes phone back* Oh, yeah, David’s here with me.
Josh: Ok. Ok. Fine. I’m hanging up now.
Sean: I’ll drop him off in a couple of hours.
Josh: Goodbye people.
David: *hangs up first*
Josh: *answerrs* What?
Sean: Are you still heading to area 51?
Josh: $&@#%! Yes!
Sean: Do you think you have enough hackers?
Josh: Yes, I’m sure. When you drop off David I’ll find a safe place to leave Little Fox.
Sean: Alright, can I talk to Little Fox for a second?
Josh: Sure. On speaker phone you can
Sean: Speaker phone? Come on…
Josh: *puts on speaker phone* Go ahead…. Pal…
Little Fox: *grabs phone, turns off speaker phone*
Sean: Soooo….Little Fox, how committed to this marriage are you?
Josh: *Takes it back*
Little Fox: Don’t make me fight you over this phone, b.
Josh: You are not marrying this poor girl you idiot! Her G pa just died! You freaking ladykiller!
Little Fox: Dude. Still a sensitive topic.
Sean: You married her!
Josh: Yes. Before her G pas death. Difference!
Little Fox: May I speak to the dude without being manhandled?
Josh: You are my wife. You are not talking to this white man!
Little Fox: Yeah. Wife. Not property. Gimme the phone.
Sean: I smell abuse!
Josh: *Hacks phone so that everything that is said Josh can hear in earpiece then puts phone on her lap* Kim! You drive!
Little Fox: Wow. Do you not trust me?
Josh: No I trust you
Sean: Are you trusting an asian to drive? Dangit. I’m trying to stop with the racist jokes
Little Fox: I’ve said I love with the love of the spirits. What wrong could I do to you with this Sean?
Josh: *Says while covering phone* I don’t trust Sean *Uncovers phone* Just say what you need to say Sean!!!
Sean: So, Little Fox, do you have your own phone?
Little Fox: Oh, for sure. I’ll call you.
Sean: Awesome, thanks.
Josh: *hacks phone*
Little Fox: You can’t just hack a phone. *Unhacks phone*
Josh: *Hacks Phone*
Little Fox: *Unhacks phone*
Josh: *Hacks phone*
Little Fox: *Unhacks phone*
Josh: *Infuriated* OK! JUST SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY!
Little Fox: Wassup, dawg?
Sean: Nothing much, so yeah, Josh hacked your phone. Doesn’t matter, he’s really interested in a girl named Kyla, he’s gonna drop you off somewhere soon. So, umm, how do you feel about hanging out sometime?
Josh: Sean. You don’t know how much I wish I could kill you. Such a ladykiller…
Sean: *Yelling at Josh over the phone* Umm, I’m not doing anything Josh, I’m just talking TO LITTLE FOX…
Josh: Okay… Who is currently devoted to me…
Little Fox: Oh, we’ll see. I’ve kinda said I love him with the love of the spirits already, but I’m sure there’s a loophole. Kinda of the run from Nazis and the po-po right now so. I’ll text you.
Sean: Alright, cool, see ya! *hangs up*
Josh: Alright, how ‘bout we just pretend that the wedding never went through all the way? Little fox?
Little Fox: Dude. Not how it works. That’d be like lying to the spirits. You saw what happened when you wouldn’t sign Paylo’s paper.
Josh: HA! I NEVER SIGNED THE PAPER! Wait did I?
Little Fox: No crap. How do you know that has something to do with the marriage?
Josh: Ok, fine. Whatever. Ok. Then I want a divorce.
Little Fox: Whoa. Let’s chill.
Santannah: *suddenly appearing in the car* Josh. You suck!
Josh: What do I suck Santannah?
Kim: WHOA! When did she get here?!? *points at Santannah*
Josh: *Attempting to make fun of Kim* Woah! Some random emo chick who looks like a puppy just jumped in the car!
Santannah: Okay 1. The wording there was wrong. 2)What the heck is happening? 3) wat.
Kim: Who are you?
*After hours of driving they near Nevada*
Santannah: *After five hours of sitting in the car silently* My name is Lynn
Kim: This car is super fast, we’ve gone from Illinois to Nevada within five hours.
Josh: True true.
Lynn: Well, I have just been sleeping and listening to music and staring at you guys, cuz I can’t hear you.
Kim: Oh. Little Fox is asleep.
Josh: Wait guys. Look.
Josh: We’re on the road to Area 51
Kim: Wow. Super fast.
Josh: Yeah. The car can fly.
Kim: Why didn’t I notice this?
Josh: Cuz your eyes are half closed.
Kim: Oh….WAIT THATS RACI- *Is shot in the back of the head by a sniper* *Dies*
Lynn: *Eats peanut butter pretzel*
Josh: KIM!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! KIM KIM KIM KIM!!!! NOOOOOO!!!! *hugs dead body* Get down everyone!!!
Lynn: *slowly sits down*
*The remaining two Koreans scream and lay down on the floor*
Lynn: What now?
*The car crashes into a large rock in the Nevada desert since noone is driving it*
*Little Fox, still sleeping, flies out of the car*
Josh: *Looks around to see who shot Kim*
Lynn: *Climbs on top of crashed car with a bag of peanut butter pretzels. Continues to watch and eat*
Josh: I CAN’T FREAKIN SEE ANYTHING *Tries to see through smoke and debris*
Lynn: No, but I see you freaking out.
Josh: Why you hating on meeehh??
Lynn: I’m not. I’m just…. observing. Everyone.