Finding PAYLO Part 4: Escape to Witch Mountain
*It’s been a couple days now, and Josh, the remaining Koreans, Little Fox, and Lynn wander around in the darkness of the Nevada night. They keep walking on the road leading to Area 51.Josh has been carrying Little Fox the past few days, taking turns with the other Koreans. Lynn just watches with her bag of peanut butter pretzels. David has still not arrived. At that moment David falls from the sky, breaking both his legs as he forgot to pull his parachute. David is knocked out cold.*
Korean: I no carry. *pointing at David with a face of fear*
Josh: *injects David with healing juice*
Korean: I still no carry.
Josh: *puts David in a fireman’s carry* Never leave a soldier behind.
*Suddenly a silhouette appears on a nearby hilltop.*
Josh: *Puts down David and looks through sniper scope to see what it is. He sees something terrifying.*
*Leonardo Dicaprio’s Big Headed Brother: Burt. Essentially, his body and face are the same as his brother in shape, except Burt is 8 feet tall, has a enormous head, and a strangely small face.*
*Josh drops his gun and starts shaking, as this is the same monster that he saw in the sky in Vietnam.*
Korean: What’s it?!?
Josh: That. Is Burt. Keep your voice down
*Burt Dicaprio looks around like a Velociraptor on the prowl.*
Josh: *josh leaves his duffle bag with the rest of the gang and sneaks up behind Burt with his katana sheathed on his back, and a drawn bow in his hands with an explosive arrow* Hey Burt.
Burt: *Burt catches Josh’s scent and swings around* AGH! AGH! AGH AGH AGH!
Josh: *Shoots explosive arrow at Burt*
*Burt eats the arrow. He burps a terrifying mini-burp out of his horrifyingly minuscule mouth with smoke coming from his mouth.*
*Josh freaks out and shoots five sharp arrows at Burt in ten seconds.*
*Burt’s perverse skin swallows the arrows like quick sand with a mighty ‘GLOOP’*
Josh: *throws a grenade*
*Burt catches the grenade and eats it, inexplicably bloating his massive head even more*
Josh: *unholsters suppressed glock and starts shooting*
Burt: *catches each bullet and sticks them up his abnormally tiny nose, expanding, yet again, his freakishly large skull*
Josh: *takes out katana and slashes*
*the sword is sucked into his monstrous cranium*
Josh: GAH! He’s impossible to kill! Wait… Oh! *takes out Sean’s ray gun and shoots a dozen times at Burt*
*Burt dissolves from the LASERs and disappears into pile of ash*
Korean: WHY KILL?!?
Josh: Um. Cuz he’s a monster.
*Josh looks curiously at Ray gun. It looks of alien make.*
Korean: POSSIBLE GOOD MONSTER??
Josh: No. I’ve met that guy about five years ago
Korean: POSSIBLE HELP???
Josh: Nope. I fought Burt in Vietnam. If only I had a ray gun back then.
*Josh picks up his duffle bag, the two Koreans carry Cyrus, and Lynn has her little army of marshmallows carry Little Fox, who is still sleeping.*
*David wakes up and sits up rapidly in the arms of the Koreans and falls bruising his right butt cheek, cursing in Ancient Greek*
Korean: Josh. Big boy wake!
Josh: Oh. Hey David. Or heh, Cyrus
David: *Mumbling about nonsense* You guys waited too long. Sleep. Bye. *Falls asleep again in the sand*
Korean: HE SLEEP AGAIN! *Korean points at David who fell back to sleep again.*
Josh: Guys look!
Josh: I think that’s Area 51!
*Random flying robot disc flies out of nowhere and scans everyone.*
Robot thingy: Little Fox Stuart. Body count:0. Yoon Geun Lee: body count: 0 Daniel Jong Masuka: body count: 1
*Everyone looks at Daniel the Korean. Daniel shrugs nervously.*
Robot: Josh. Body count: 173 David. Body count: 4 Mr. Steelhigh is expecting all the above.
Josh: *in Josh’s mind* what about…
*Looks around for Lynn, but she has vanished, along with her marshmallows, leaving Little Fox sleeping in the sand*
Daniel: *Takes out pistol and shoots the robot, then grabs the other Korean and points the gun at his throat. Then, in a perfect American accent says* Noone move!
Yeon-Geon: NUUUU!! *whispers prayers in korean*
Josh: What the $&@#%! Are you doing?? *Says while pointing gun which he took out as soon as the robot was shot*
Daniel: You fools, my lord will devour your souls.
Josh: Are you a religious nut job or just crazy
Daniel: Haha! You cannot even begin to understand. Your stupidity makes me laugh. Did you actually believe the crazy haired fool was behind all this. No…LORD GRUMMOND IS LORD!
*Out of nowhere, a helicopter shows up, Daniel jumps on, escaping, but shooting the remaining Korean from a safe height, making Yoon Geon splatter to the ground*
Josh: Yoon Geon! *Fires shots at helicopter*
*Daniel escapes, but not before firing a rocket at the group, but out of nowhere, Burt jumps out of the sand and swallows the rocket.*
Burt: AGH! AGHHHHGHGHG!!!!
Josh: Um. Hi.
Burt: *in an explaining tone* Agh. Agh. aAgh agh agh agh. AGH. Agh? Aghaghagh Agh.
Josh: Does anybody speak gibberish? Yoon Geon? *Looks and realizes Yoon Geon, like the rest of the Koreans, is dead* NOOO! YOON GEUN!
Little Fox: *Suddenly awake* I speak gibberish.
*Burt looks down sympathetically at the dead Korean, with his miniscule, sad eyes.*
Josh: You do little fox?
Little Fox: Obviously. It’s one of the many languages of the spirits.
Josh: Well what’s he saying? And why were you sleeping for four days? Is that a marriage custom or something?
Little Fox: *Shrugs* I get tired. Anyway…
Burt: AGH! Agh agh agh agh agh!!!!
Josh: What’s he saying?
Little Fox: Burt is using a primitive dialect. He’s either saying the laser effects were only temporary or he wants a hot dog.
Josh: Sooo, you’re not fluent?
Little Fox: I am fluent. But he’s using a primitive dialect. C-3PO was fluent in over 6 million languages but he had trouble understanding the ewoks.
Josh: Ok ok. Ok. Burt! Can you understand me? Nod if you can.
Burt: *sighs* Agh agh agh? Agh! Agh, Agh Agh Aghaghagh agh! *nods excitedly*
Josh: Can you speak sign language? Or español? Burt!
Burt: *annoyed*Agh! Agh! AGHGHGHGHG! *Flails hands around nonsensically*
Josh: *Hands Burt a stick* Can you write in the sand?
Burt: *grunts, and writes ‘agh agh agh’ in the sand.*
Josh: Well. Can you nod your head?
Burt: *nods massive head*
Josh: Ok. Now is that Area 51? *points at a distant building*
Burt: *nods. He looks down sympathetically at the dead Korean again.*
Josh: Ok. *looks around. Only little fox and David are left. And now Burt.* Little Fox. You stay here with Burt. When I get out, I’ll leave you with a new car.
Little Fox: Sure, fine. I should babysit, right? Because I’m a woman. Of course. Typical of the white man.
Josh: You should be used to this with your culture.
Little Fox: My culture? You throwing shade at my culture?
Josh: You know what. You already accepted staying here with Burt
Little Fox: Sure. Fine. Just like you wouldn’t let me kill a man. You handle all the dirty work. Fine.
Josh: Little Fox. This is not the time to talk about that
Burt: AGHGHHGHGFG! *points at little fox* AGH! *looks stubborn*
Josh: What? You don’t like her?
Burt: *looks confused* AGHGHGH AGH
Josh: Burt. I need you to stay here and protect Little Fox. Understand?
Burt: AGH! AGH AGH AGH! AGHHHHHH
Josh: Nod if you understand.
Burt: *nods but looks annoyed*
Josh: Ok. Do you not want to stay here with her? Nod for yes or shake for no.
Burt: *shakes head but seems to be trying to explain something* AGH AGHHHGHGHGH AGH
Josh: Do you not want me to go in?
Burt: URGH AGH AGH *shakes head*
Josh: You want to go in with me?
Burt: *nods head excitedly and points at Little Fox* AGH’AGH AGH AGHAGHAGH AGH AGH AGHAGH.
Josh: Is there a monster inside or something? You want her to come in as well?
Burt: *Nods head to both questions*
Josh: Why do you want her to come in?
Little Fox: I don’t think he can answer “why” questions. He speaks gibberish.
Josh: Okay. Burt, can you try to tell Little Fox why?
Burt: AGH AGH AGH AGH AGH.
Josh: You pick up any of that, Little Fox?
Little Fox: Hmm. Not sure. Haven’t studied it recently.
Josh: Oh come on! I thought you could understand him somewhat.
Little Fox: Something about me. Going inside with you. Him too.
Josh: Mm. *realizes David is still sleeping. Slaps him.* Wake up!
*David doesn’t wake up.*
Josh: Alright guys. Let’s go. Burt, do you mind carrying David?
Burt: Agh! *swallows David* Agh Agh Aghaghy agh
Josh: Um. Alright then. Let’s go.
*Walks into the military base. Surprisingly, and suspiciously, there are no soldiers to be found and the front gate is just wide open. There is seemingly no one on the premises. Several buildings line up all over the base.*
Josh: *Walks in first building to the right.*
*Hundreds of snipers show up inside the building on catwalks, the windows, other rooms, and from behind the group, and aim rifles at them.*
Josh: Hello people. It’s Josh.
Agent: IN THE NAME OF THE US GOVERNMENT, DROP YOUR WEAPONS!!!!!
Josh: I’m not even holding a gun!
Little Fox: You really thought you could just stroll into a government building with no obstacles whatsoever?
Lead government agent: *From the shadows* Well, well, well, if it isn’t Josh Doeffinger.
Josh: Oohh. Heh. Hi, Fred….
Fred: It’s been a long time. I’ve been scouring the nation for you after that gig you pulled in New York, and here you come to me. *Emerges from behind his soldiers, revealing himself to be a square jawed, handsome blond man, in his fifties. It’s Fred Jones from Scooby Doo. He’s wearing a military uniform and has aged, but it’s clear who he is.*
Josh: Well. Looks like you got me then. *turns to Burt and whispers* Swallow little fox right now.
Fred: You’re a fool to expect me to believe you don’t have any weapons on you.
Josh: Weeell, I’m not holdin any weapons. Like in my hands. What do you want Fred?
Fred: Throw me the duffel bag and take off all your clothes.
Josh: Um. I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your gayness.
Little Fox: I’m not comfortable with that.
Josh: *Turns to Burt and whispers again* Burt, swallow little fox and save yourselves!
Fred: What’s the injun doing with you? *points at little fox*
Josh: That’s my wife.
*Burt stares in awe at Fred Jones*
Little Fox: *Raises fists, as if to fight* Yeah, wassup. Wanna go?
Fred: Haha! Last I saw, you were in love with a little blond girl.
Josh: *grabs Burt* Burt! Swallow her and get out of here!
Fred: What was her name……
Burt: *stares at Fred longer.* Papa?
Josh: BURT! *Josh freezes and slowly turns around towards Fred* Did he just say papa?
Fred: *Ignoring this nonsense* If Commandant Steelhigh didn’t need to talk to you, I’d kill you where you stand. Sadly, Steelhigh has been most anxious to meet you.
Josh: *Slaps Burt’s oversized cheek and starts cussing at him* Get out of here!!!
Burt: PAPA!!?!?!?! *Runs towards Fred to which Fred opens a teleport which Burt runs into. Fred turns off the teleport as soon as the Burt is gone.*
Fred: Now. Like I said, Mr Steelhigh is expecting you.
Little Fox: Yo, dude just teleported. And he was you kid? That’s cold, dawg.
Josh: *Grabs Little Fox and throws her towards desert, she’s caught by a little army of marshmallows. There are soldiers outside now as well, as this is a military base.*
Josh: Alright Fred. Take me to Steelhigh.
Fred: How did you plan on getting the codes anyway Josh. You don’t have any hackers with you?
Little Fox: *walks back in* Dude. You can’t just go around throwing people.
Josh: There was some Asians with us
Fred: Oh, I know, whatever happened to them?
Fred: Oh, how sad.
Fred: Even Daniel?
Josh: Why? He work for you?
Fred: Not necessarily. Come, Mr. Steelhigh is waiting.
Josh: *follows Fred*
Little Fox: *follows josh, glaring at everyone, and mumbles* Look at all these crackers. May the spirits curse them all.
*Fred escorts the group alongside a group of soldiers to a giant building in the center of the base.*
*Through many twists and turns, they eventually make it to a room decorated with all sorts of American Propaganda.*
Josh: We there yet?
*A desk with the name plate “John Exposition Steelhigh” sits in the center of the room.*
Steelhigh: *Looking out the window from his awesome leather chair.*
Steelhigh: *in one of those evil southern accents* Leave us, Captain Jones.
*Fred salutes then closes the door, leaving Josh, Little Fox, and Steelhigh alone.*
Josh: You must be confident I won’t kill you, leaving me alone with you and 20 weapons in my bag. What you want me for, Steelhigh?
Steelhigh: *his chair still hasn’t turned around* You won’t kill me. Trust me, you won’t. Has Fred left us?
Josh: He has. But I don’t quite have a face to go with your name, Sir.
*The chair turns around revealing Sean in a military uniform much too big for him*
Sean: *normal voice* Awesome, you finally arrived, I don’t know how long I could keep that accent up. The real commandant is in the closet.
Sean: It’s been crazy trying to find reasons not to turn this chair around.
Josh: *Drops bag, and punches him straight in the nose*
Sean: JEEZ JOSH?! WHAT THE HECK?!? I’M ON YOUR SIDE!!
Josh: *Shows the piece of paper that was in Harris’s pocket* Explain you $&@#%!
Sean: *Holding nose to stop the bleeding* Yeah, so, I wrote this? And?
Josh: You knew the password all along!
Sean: What are you talking about? *Hasn’t seen the back yet.*
Josh: *Shows side that says password*
Sean: Oh, that’s not my hand writing. That looks like Harris’ handwriting. Maybe he wasn’t trying to not forget the password on his phone or some-WAIT A SECOND. YOU KNEW THE PASSWORD THE WHOLE TIME?!?!? I PAID A LOT FOR THOSE KOREANS!!
Josh: You knew the password the whole time as well!
Sean: NO, I DIDN’T!! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?!?
Josh: Who else would tell Harris the password?
Sean: PASSWORD IS THE PASSWORD FOR FREAKIN’ EVERYTHING, IT ISN’T EXCLUSIVE TO AREA 51! I DIDN’T KNOW IT.
Josh: And one of those Koreans almost killed me! He was a spy.
Sean: Dangit, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted Craig’s list for Korean hackers
Little Fox: Yo. What?
Josh: You know what, *rubs face* just tell me your plan…
Little Fox: Did you slip me something? Who this guy?
Sean: Oh, well, helllooo…*sees Little Fox*
Josh: Hey. Over here. Plan???
Sean: *Focuses again* Oh, right! Well, do you want the whole thing?
Josh: The whole thing?
Sean: The whole plan?
Josh: Yes, I want the whole thing. I really just need a space ship and an alien to fly it
Sean: *excited, because he loves screwing the government and making plans* Okee doke, forget my plan then. I know where they keep the space ship and now that I know the password, we can get there. I know this Mexican guy who can fly it.
Josh: No, I want an alien.
Sean: Umm, yeah…
Josh: I’d rather have space aliens than illegal ones.
Sean: Oh! Well, I know where they keep the aliens, but that’s on the other side of the base. Also, where’s David?
Little Fox: You mean that guy Burt swallowed?
Josh: Yeah. Burt swallowed David.
Sean: And something swallowed David?!?
Josh: Fred’s son.
Sean: That’s impressive!
Josh: He’s a giant headed Leonardo DiCaprio. Now. Take me to the spaceship.
Sean: Fred? Oh, yes! Fred Jones! I like to call him Fed Jones. Hehehe. Isn’t it weird that this is what he became?
*Suddenly a random 4 foot tall greyish green Alien crawls out of the air vent*
Alien: I have heard plan and request to be pilot. My name is Carl.
Sean: *Sean stares at alien in confusion* Sooooo, uh, yeah…
Carl: *Repeats* I am Carl.
Sean: Hi Carl. I’m Mr. Stee-whoops, I’m Sean.
Josh: Perfect. A pilot.
Carl: I have been attempting to escape this prison for three earth years.
Sean: *Completely changing the topic* Oh, guys. Did you like that robot? I just like making josh feel bad about the amount of people he’s killed.
Josh: Yeah. Very funny. I didn’t know David killed five people. Hm. Well, anyways, can you take me to your ship, Carl??
*Carl just stares at Sean*
Sean: He don’t know where it be at. I got it, I just need you hide the alien for a sec.
Carl: You. Pale skeleton man. You show me my ship. Ship ship ship ship ship ship!!!!
Sean: Just hide him!
Josh: *puts Carl in duffle bag*
Carl: *Carl sticks head out*
Steelhigh: *Sean spins chair around and says in southern accent* Captain Jones! I need you in here now!
Josh: *shoves Carl in bag* Shh!
*Captain Jones enters* Fred: Yessir?
Steelhigh: I need you to escort Josh and his lovely comrade to the Roswell ship. They’ll be needing to drive it. Orders from the president himself.
Fred: *looks confused* Umm, but sir…
Steelhigh: THAT’S AN ORDER!!
Fred: Yes sir!(?)
Josh: Thank you, Fred. Mind leading the way? Wait! Um. Mr. Steelhigh
Steelhigh: Yes ma boy?
Josh: Please keep this Indian girl for me. I can’t risk her getting killed.
Steelhigh: Umm, I’d love to, but you should ask her if that’s what she wants.
Josh: *Looks at Little Fox only to notice that she is yet again sleeping*
Little Fox: *Suddenly wakes up again* Wait. You’re going to space?
Steelhigh: Yeah, he didn’t tell you why he wanted to marry you?
Little Fox: Dude wanted a van. That’s all he told me.
Josh: I’m going to space to talk to the man who took away my beloved.
Sean: Or, rather, took away your chances at being with your soulmate.
Little Fox: You’re going space? Dude, I’m so in. Wait, who’s the man?
Josh: None of your concern. Sean. Keep her safe
Little Fox: Nah. I wanna go to space.
Steelhigh: Who’s Sean? I’m Steelhigh. Oh, come on Josh, what’s the harm in telling her it’s PAYLO?
Josh: She’s not coming.
Little Fox: Wait. PAYLO? As in PAYLO?
Josh: Yes. PAYLO as in the universe PAYLO.
Little Fox: As in the spirit PAYLO? No no no no no no no no no. No thank you.
Josh: Ok. Um. Alright.
Little Fox: I ain’t trying to be dead or cursed.
Josh: Alright sheesh.
Little Fox: No. No no. You have fun up there in space.
Josh: Ok um. Fred lead the way.
Fred: Umm, okay…
Little Fox: Imma chill with this dude, Highsteel or whatever.
*Sean can be heard snickering with joy. Josh roles his eyes.*
*End of scene.*