Finding PAYLO Part 5: Mars Needs Joshes
*Sean is seen preparing plans on a table with Little Fox sleeping in a chair behind him. Jasper runs in with a groundhog in his hands.*
Jasper: GUYS! GUYS! MY GRANDPAPPY CAUGHT A GROUNDHOG TODAY! IT’S GROUNDHOG DAY! I’M NOT JOKING! THIS IS AMAZING!
Sean: *Clearly impressed and suddenly not acknowledging the fact that his nemesis Jasper has barged into his house* NOICE!
Jasper: *His eyes glowing with hunger for power* HE COULD BE THE NEW MAMMALIAN DICTATOR AFTER OTIS! *Quietly* May he rest in peace.
Sean: *Not so sure now* MAYBE! IT GETS QUESTIONABLE THERE!
Jasper: 1.WHY!? 2. I ate cornbread today. 3. You actually do look a lot like Bernie sanders.
Sean: 1. MM! 2. NOICE AGAIN! 3. *grunt*
Jasper: 1. MM! 2. ITS PRONOUNCED NICE! 3. *Makes loud pig noise* 4. BYE! *Runs out of the house*
Sean: 4. See ya.
*The PAYLO opening credits come on, before we see Sean on a skype call with Josh in space, Kyla at her house with Paula, and David inside Burt’s stomach. For the past few days, Sean, Little Fox, and a few other friends have been hiding out at a house in the Hamptons. Little Fox is still sleeping.*
Kyla: *Showing Paula with a wig, glasses, and a scarf on* I accidentally turned Paula into female Harry Potter.
Josh: Just needs a wand.
David: *Getting bad service inside of Burt’s stomach* I need weed too. Weed! Everyday! Smoke it! DWUBZ!!! YUMMY!!!
Sean: *Getting crazy too to make fun of David* WOOO! SEX WITH MEN!!! YIPEE!!! GAYNESS!!
David: *Now Awkward* Um…
Josh: I LOVE TO KISS MEN!
David: *Says with courage* Josh Doeffinger?!?!
David: You are not my uncle!
*Josh looks with childish eyes in disgust at David. He seems to be trying to keep himself from smashing his space computer.*
Sean: *Looking at Josh’s face* So cute.
Josh: *In monotone voice* I will eat you.
Kyla: *Looking at her cousin eating a chocolate bar* What is my cousin doing? GUYS! HE DIDN’T BREAK OFF A PIECE HE TOOK A FREAKING BITE OUTTA THE BAR! HOW ARE YOU NOT FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!?!?!?!?!?!?
Sean: *Confused* What?
Kyla: He didn’t break off a little rectangle of chocolate. He took. A bite. Out of it.
Sean: *Not knowing how Kyla expects him to feel about this* Oh. Nice.
Kyla: Not nice. He’s a psychopath.
Santannah: *Suddenly appearing behind Sean* I hate when people bite into it and not break it off. Like no. Stop.
Josh: If you’re gonna eat the whole bar then why not just take bites?
*Kyla hangs up in fury.*
David: *Somehow watching the super bowl* That’s right panthers. You can lose. *Laughs*
Little Fox: *Suddenly awake* Who traded what?
David: How? I ain’t pulling for bad sports teams. Are you kiddin me? I am so happy right now.
Sean: *In an analytical voice* Frankly, a panther stands no chance against a bronco. The sheer muscle of a bronco would destroy a panther before the panther could get a good bite.
Josh: *Clearly annoyed by Sean, as if he’s done this before* Sean. Shut. Up.
David: Yeah, like chill.
Little Fox: He’s not wrong.
Josh: Why is everyone obsessed with violence? *Says while watching Dexter*
Little Fox: This coming from Josh.
Sean: *Still going on about Broncos fighting Panthers* One kick from a bronco. Pew. Dead cat.
Josh: Sean, people like you are why children are dying.
Little Fox: I dunno though. Like, what if the panther managed to get on top of the bronco.
Sean: It’s called a bucking bronco for a reason. The panther wouldn’t be able to get a good grip, then it would get flung off and trampled.
Little Fox: True true.
Sean: Plus, Broncos are freakin’ fast. Cats are good at short distance, but if the panther lost the element of surprise and the horse made a run for it, that panther would be like a dehydrated obese man in comparison.
Little Fox: True. Football defies nature once again. PAYLO must be mad.
Sean: No. The broncos won. *Looking at phone* Therefore, sports are following their course.
Little Fox: Right. PAYLO happy then.
Sean: Speaking of which, the spaceship should be almost to mars by now.
*Meanwhile, Josh and Carl are nearly to Mars.*
Josh: How much longer Carl?
Carl: *Carl looks a bit annoyed and turns around* Chill.
Josh: Ok. *goes back to cleaning weapons*
Carl: *Grumbling* Stupid human….. WOAH!
*Out of nowhere, something smashes into the spaceship*
Carl: *Pointing out the window* GAH! GAH! GAH!
*Josh looks out window with ray gun.*
*The spaceship starts flipping around in all directions throwing everybody to the ground.*
Carl: GAAAAHHH!!! GAAAAAHHH!!!
Ship computer: Pod bay doors opening. Pod bay doors opening.
*Josh readily holds ray gun.*
*The doors slide open to reveal none other than an astronaut in an American Space Suit.*
Carl: I JUST WANNA GO HOME!
Astronaut: *Takes off mask, revealing perfect hair and a ruggedly handsome middle aged man*
Josh: Um, hello?
*Carl curls into a ball on the floor.*
Astronaut: *In strangely cool voice* Wow. That’s the craziest orbit I’ve ever ridden. Hey kid, I need something to eat. *Looks seriously at Josh* Please.
Josh: Ok. *Takes a few corn dogs out of pocket and throws them over.*
Astronaut: *Devours them like he’s never eaten before.* So, what’s up?
Josh: Dude. Where’d you even come from?
Astronaut: *Through mouth full of corn dogs* New Orleans, Louisiana if you must know. Mardi Gras and all that good stuff. That reminds me of a good story…
Josh: *Interrupting the astronaut* Dude. Gah, I mean why the heck are you in outer space?
Astronaut: Oh, right. Name’s Matt Kowalski, I work or worked for NASA until recently. Ship got torn apart, satellite parts and all that, and got separated from my crew. Oh, well. So, what about you? How’d you find yourself this fancy saucer?
Josh: Long story. And the least people who hear it the better. Well. You look pretty hungry. Come I’ll take you to the kitchen. I’ll show you where I keep the vodka.
Matt: Yes. *Looks dumbfounded from excitement. Suddenly composing himself.* Nice. You got any tunes on this bucket of bolts?
Carl: Okay. *Carl gets up on his little feet and turns on Johnny Cash. Looks annoyed.* Another human…
Matt: *Sitting down, drinking a bottle of Vodka* Ahhh, this reminds me of this time in Las Vegas where I met this girl…
Josh: Yeah? What happened?
Matt: *Clearly pleased someone has taken interest in his stories* So, I here I am with some pals from the university, and we go into this club. Now most of us had never even had a drink before, but then she showed up with her arms full of-
*Suddenly, the ship starts hitting the gravity field of Mars*
Carl: GAH! GAH! GAH!
Matt: *Totally calm* Well, better strap up.
Josh: Jumping out of a plane, now in outer space in an insecure ship. I swear if we end up in the ocean, I’m killing myself.
*Carl starts mashing buttons and yelling at Siri*
Matt: Hey, little dude, you know how to land this thing or what?
Josh: Um. We’re actually going to Mars.
Matt: Clearly, but Yoda over here doesn’t seem to know what’s up.
*Carl walks over to Matt and sticks a needle in his arm.*
Carl: Make you no die on Mars.
Matt: *Screams* AGH! WHAT WAS THAT?
Carl: Me no called Yoda. I am Carl.
Matt: Well, hello Carl, what did you just inject into me?
Carl: Medicine. If human no get medicine, they no live on Mars.
Matt: And what about him? *Points at Josh.*
Carl: I have to sneak needle into you, because you no trust.
Matt: Well, you could’ve told me first, but whatever floats your boat.
*Suddenly, Siri starts talking from the controls* Siri: Master Carl. Ship approaching. Ship approaching.
*Matt sits there staring off into space*
*Carl starts cussing in Martian.*
Matt: Yes, mam?
Josh: *Holds shotgun* Have you ever shot one of these before?!
Matt: Ha, well, this reminds me of this girl in Texas…
Josh: Ok, you can tell me another time. This is a Mossberg 590 pump action shotgun.
Matt: Yup, so, what do we need to do?
Josh: *Starts teaching Matt how to hold and shoot a gun.*
Matt: I know how to shoot a gun.
Josh: Well, aren’t you a little sass ball! Don’t break that, Matt. It’s my favorite shotgun.
Matt: So, are we gonna land already?
Josh: There’s a FREAKIN ship approaching us!
Matt: Yeah, your point? Look, you aren’t the only people in space.
Josh: As far as I know, me and you are the only humans in this area and that’s no NASA ship. *Points out window at ship.*
Matt: Well, that doesn’t mean these guys aren’t friendly or coming after us. Our ship is an alien ship after all. Let’s just land.
Josh: Land on FREAKIN what?! We aren’t going anywhere but Mars!
Matt: We’re still landing on Mars right? Soooo… lets land on Mars.
Josh: But we aren’t at Mars yet, princess.
Matt: Umm… didn’t we just enter it’s atmosphere?
*Suddenly a reptilian voice starts speaking from the other ship in an alien language.*
Carl: GAHHH! GAHHHH! NOOOOO!
Matt: I’m pretty sure that’s Spanish.
*Carl hits thrusters and they start flying towards the surface of Mars.*
Matt: WOOO!!! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!
*Ship crashes into Mars.*
Carl: Tall male human! Please make me no die!
*Everyone recovers from the crash and tries to get out of the ship.*
Matt: Dang! Best crash landing I’ve been in in years.
*The barren, red, rocky hills of Mars spread out before their eyes. A massive sandstorm punishes the land in the distance.*
*Josh opens the door, taking only his weapons that will work on Mars.*
*The desolate, freezing wind of Mars whistles through the human’s hair.*
Josh: Wow. I actually did it. I’m on Mars.
Matt: Nice! So, what are we looking for?
Josh: Oh. Um, I don’t think it’s safe for you to come.
Matt: So, should I just chill here?
Josh: Sure. Go easy on the vodka.
*Josh and Carl set out across the massive barren land. A few mars hours later, Josh and Carl stumble onto a Mars village. It’s night time, and the place is lit up by bright towering lights. The houses are similar to huts or military base structures mixed with metal Native American homes. Several small green and grey aliens move about their daily business, looking at Josh with nervous side glances.*
Josh: Woah. Martians.
*Suddenly a Martian guy runs up speaking martian.*
*They embrace and have a long conversation in Martian, then points at Josh.*
Carl: Tall male man. This is my brother, Kevin.
Kevin: Hello, Mr. Human. I am Kevin. *He looks almost identical to Carl, except a little greyer.* I am Kevin.
Carl: Kevin speak a little better English than me.
Kevin: So, what can I do for you earthling?
Josh: Well, uh, maybe we should talk somewhere private.
Kevin: *Would raise eyebrows if he had any* Okee doke.
Carl: Yes. I think I no have house anymore. I kidnapped for three years.
*Inside Kevin’s house, which is a two story hut like thing.*
Josh: Okay. So, are we alone in here?
Kevin: Yes, well, my daughter is up stairs, but she doesn’t speak English. What can we do for you?
Josh: I need. *Pauses an thinks for a second* I need to know where PAYLO is.
Kevin: PAYLO? *hushed voice* Why must you speak with him? Do you have any idea what you are getting into?
Josh: Yes. It’s probably a one way trip, but I just need to know where he is.
Kevin: *Looks around nervously* His vacation home is not far from here. But I can’t be sure if he’s still here?
Josh: Do you have a map?
Kevin: I can guide you there, but I won’t go in with you.
Josh: Of course. Ok. And I would appreciate it if you could point me towards the village’s weapons dealer.
Kevin: *Freaked out* Weapons?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WEAPONS?!?!?
Josh: Guns. Lasers. Anything that can do damage.
Kevin: Why would you need such monstrosities?
Josh: For protection Just point me towards a dealer.
Kevin: Oh ho. There are none. The Big Boss won’t let us.
Josh: Not even petty laser dealers? Nothing?
Kevin: Well, I do have something I keep for emergencies.
Josh: Yes? Also, do you guys take earth money? *Takes out stacks of bills*
Kevin: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Earth money?!?!?
Josh: Ugh. What’s wrong with it?
Kevin: It’s literally just paper. Just relax. I’ll give you my shock baton for free. *Gives shock baton to Josh: a small, metal, mace/club-like weapon that crackles with electricity when a button is pressed.*
Josh: Ok, ok. Thank you anyway. Now please lead the way.
Kevin: *Leads them out into the desert on an alien dune buggy.*
*They reach a giant eco dome with a giant house inside of it. Palm trees and other tropical plants grow around the huge, white, spherical house.*
Carl: We leave you now, tall male human.
Kevin: You’re on your own earthling. Carl let’s go.
*Josh breathes heavily as he slowly walks up the steps with his ray gun in his right hand and electric mace thing in his left. The doors automatically open as Josh approaches. Josh walks inside. Standing there, in an empty room, is none other than a tall dark creature, cloaked in ripped garments. His body seems to be made of space, showing stars and galaxies all over.*
Josh: ….. PAYLO?
*When the creature moves it seems like the universal bodies that make up its form move all around inside of it.*
Josh: …. Aren’t you PAYLO?!
Galactic Star Spawn Being: *In terrifying cosmic voice* Me? PAYLO? NAH! I’m his secretary, Arimitheus.
Josh: Oh. Well, this is awkward. You know where PAYLO is?
Arimitheus: Not here, that’s for sure.
Josh: What?! Well then where the heck is he???
Arimitheus: He left yesterday, he went to his vacation home in Raleigh, North Carolina, USA, North America, Earth, Sol system, Milky Way.
*Josh shoots ray gun at the ceiling in anger, then runs out leaving the ceiling collapsing.*
*Arimitheus vanishes into smoke.*
Josh: *Sits outside on the porch* Hm. *After the front room is finished crumbling, Josh searches the mansion and the ruined parts for any form of technology. After a few minutes, Josh recognizes a teleporter from Area 51.* Nice! *Suddenly, Josh hears something.*
Burt: AGH AGH AGH AGH
Burt: *rushes towards Josh and embraces him with the strength of one thousand drunk rhinoceros.*
Josh: *After massaging his aching rib cage and catching his breath* Um, can you breath?
Burt: *Nods excitedly*
Josh: Oh. Ok well there’s an astronaut that I have to go get. And my weapons. So. Can I ride on your back?
Burt: Agh! Agh agh agher agh aghagha!
Josh: Oh, and is David still in your stomach?
*Burt points at a red, old, sand speeder, eerily similar to the one Luke has in Star Wars.*
Josh: Woah. Awesome. Oh and, *injects Burt with medicine*. Sorry. Just bein’ safe.
Burt: Ow! *cries a bit.*
Josh: Okay. Well, I’m assuming that you don’t drive. So get in the passenger seat.
*The two speed back to the crashed ship. The ship looks good as new. It seems Matt has been working on it.*
Josh: Woah. Nice work, Matt Okay. Let’s fly the ship back over to the mansion.
Matt: Yup, are we ready to go?
Josh: *Drives the speeder inside the ship.*
*Out of the blue, the ship starts taking fire.*
Burt: AGH AGH AGH!!!!
Josh: WHA!?! Burt!!! Swallow the bullets!!
Matt: Strap up boys! *Begins to fly the ship out.*
Josh: Let’s go! I’ll tell you where the teleporter is!
*A long, brown and red ship with a pointed front, begins to chase them.*
Josh: Drive Matt! Drive! *Josh starts firing the minigun on the ship*
*The ship fires its own missiles back.*
Josh: Matt! The mansion! It’s by the rubble!
*Matt swerves while the alien space ship smashes into a cliff side. More enemy space ships descend from the sky.*
Josh: Land there! *Points at teleporter* Land!!
*Matt opens the door for Burt and Josh to jump out.*
Josh: Let’s go!
Matt: *Smiles* I’m kind of a fan of this ship. I’ll distract them, you go.
Josh: What? You’ll die!
Matt: I was born for the stars, not earth. If you can, find out if an astronaut named Ryan Stone is okay. Thanks. Hasta Lavista baby.
Josh: *Nods in understanding.*
*Matt closes the pod bay doors and flies off, with several of the enemy space ships on his trail. A few stay behind to bomb the mansion.*
Josh: *Throws duffle bag in teleporter then grabs Burt and jumps in*
*After feeling the exhilarating pound of teleportation, Burt and Josh land in a much warmer climate. Once their eyes adjust, they find themselves in the middle of Area 51 again.*
Josh: Phew. What a ride. *Picks up bag.*
*Several soldiers charge over and open fire.*
Fred: THERE THEY ARE! Kill them!
Josh: BURT!!! SWALLOW ME AND GET US OUTTA HERE!!!
*Burt instantly swallows Josh. Josh finds himself floating in a space like area, full of bullets, rockets, and small animals. Josh turns and sees David sitting in a lawn chair, watching tv. After waving at each other they float their separate ways. Josh falls asleep. He wakes up several hours later as he is regurgitated onto a table, perfectly clean.*
Josh: *Sits up. He looks around to see a beautiful library in a mansion. Sitting at the table are Sean, Little Fox, Burt, and……GARY!!* Woah. Gary freaking Oldman?
Gary: Hello Josh! Good to see you again!
Josh: What are you all doing here? Actually, what is here?
Sean: We’re in my Grandfather’s secret mansion in the Hamptons. We’re trying to figure out who’s behind the attacks on us. And, uhh, getting to know each other. *Sean looks at Little Fox briefly.*
Little Fox: *smiles*
Gary: *Frowning a bit now* Let’s be serious Sean.
Sean: Sorry, Gary. Burt, we’re glad you and Josh are here, thanks.
Josh: So. I’m assuming that you got caught in Area 51, Sean?
Sean: Umm, sort of, I escaped in time though, before they could identify me. Josh, what happened with PAYLO?
Josh: He wasn’t there
Josh: You know what. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m leaving.
Sean: Why are you leaving?!?
Josh: I know where to look for him. Burt. Come on
Sean: Alright, if you need me, you have my number. *Remembers something* WAIT!
Sean: Before you go, we need to talk in private.
Josh: Ok. Take me to your private room.
Little Fox: *As Josh is leaving* You’re lucky PAYLO wasn’t there, dawg.
*In private room*
Josh: *Clicks tongue creepily.*
Sean: I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t send you on this mission for purely selfless reasons.
Josh: I figured.
Sean: Look, There’s one enemy I’ve fought for years that I’ve never been able to defeat and perhaps never will, and he’s made it his life’s mission to destroy me.
Josh: And what’s his name?
Sean: But perhaps the universe can help me get rid of the abomination known as Tim Curry. Please, if you can gain PAYLO’s trust, just put in a good word for me.
Josh: *Quiet voice* Sean. Did you know that PAYLO was never on Mars?
Sean: What? Never?
Josh: *Grabs face* Don’t you do this. You knew where he was! What did you want me to accomplish on this mission? Hm?
Sean: Why would I send you on that if I knew? I’m smart, but I’m not omniscient, Josh.
Josh: *Lets go of Sean’s face.* Just….*Points finger at Sean’s face, then slowly extends arm as he walks away, back to the table.*
Sean: *In loud voice as if he’s trying to make people think this is what they were talking about* So, you sure you don’t want me to come with you?
Josh: *Ignores Sean, and grabs Burt and walks out door. Before walking out, he turns and says* Go polish your hammer.
Sean: *Giggles and runs out of the room.*
*As Burt and Josh walk out the door they see a car, parked in front of the porch. Josh walks up and sees Angel sitting in the passenger seat and Namoo in the drivers seat.*
Angel: Get in.
*Josh immediately gets in the back of the car, followed by Burt. The car is a grey Lexus.*
Josh: So, what is it?
Angel:*In his ridiculous, angry sounding voice* I’m taking you to New York. *Gets angry and then corrects himself.* I mean North Carolina.
Josh: Oh. Ok why?
Angel: Sean asked me to. Sorry, but what other option do you have?
Josh: Ok. Fine *sinks into seat* Nice car by the way. It’s a Lexus?
Namoo: No, is Lexi.
Lexi: *From the radio comes a little southern accent voice* Heyy Josh!
Josh: Did you turn into a freaking car?
Lexi: Yeeeass. *Giggles.*
*Several hours later, after jamming out to Disney classics and stopping at every general store they see to get Arnold palmer and candy, they finally reach Raleigh late at night. *
Josh: Well, finally.
Namoo: Uhh, Josh.
Namoo: Uh, I am tired. Can I sleep in your house?
Angel: Yeah. I’m pretty exhausted. Even with all that candy.
Lexi: Me toooooo…
Josh: Alright. Come on in my apartment.
Lexis: *Suddenly after everyone gets out, The Lexus turns into Lexis. After transforming she says* bee boop bah boop.
Josh: Alright. Come on.