Finding PAYLO Part 6: PAYLO Found
*Sean and Little Fox have been investigating their attackers. They now find themselves in Little Fox’s home town, searching the Nazi attack scene for any hints of evidence.*
Sean: So, Little Fox, where did the Nazi’s come from?
Little Fox: I got no clue. PAYLO maybe? Could be for all that crap Josh tries to pull. Got my old man killed. That good for nothing-*mutters a few ghetto obscenities.* Anyway, my boy seemed to think it was you though. Wassup with that?
Sean: Ugh, Orville’s been messing with his head. I mean, what direction did it come from?
Little Fox: Yeah, they came running all wild out the woods. Thought I was tripping. But nah. Nazis. Again.
Sean: Ugh. Wait. What do you mean again? This has happened before?
Little Fox: Look, ancient Indian secret, ok? Let’s just say, you think the world coulda beat old Hitlizzle on they own? Psh. Must be triflin’.
Sean: Well, I knew Native Americans helped beat the Japanese, but that’s pretty cool. You should tell me more later. ANYWAY, we need to follow the tracks of their swimmwagen.
Nate: *On the phone, walking out of a café* Well, I knew this Korean kid and like, he was awesome. He’s now gotten into BMX biking now. Pretty cool dude.
Sean: Oh, NATE. When did you get here?
Nate: *Confused, looking up from his phone* Who?
Sean: You! Nate.
Nate: Which one?
Sean: Nater Bug. Nate Springer.
Little Fox: Yeah, we can hunt them down. I’ll be good at that, you know. It’s in my blood. And I can finally kill a man. Well. In revenge.
Nate: *Returning to his phone call* I killed a man, with this thumb.
Sean: Don’t be so excited to kill people. It’s not healthy.
Nate: *Totally not listening to Sean* Yeah, bad for blood sugar.
Sean: Nate speaks the truth.
Little Fox: Don’t tell me healthy nothing. You know what ain’t healthy? Dead. You know what my old man is? Dead.
Sean: I thought it was your grandfather?
Little Fox: Yeah. He’s old, isn’t he?
Sean: Well, I truly am sorry. Do you want to talk about it?
Nate: *Wandering off* Mm.
Little Fox: Nah. Imma talk to my husband bout it. Yeah. We gonna talk…
Sean: Umm, I don’t mean to break your heart, but you know the real reason your ‘husband’ wants to speak with PAYLO?
Little Fox: Hm? Yeah, some trick he called Kayla, I think.
Sean: Kyla. He’s in love with her. He just used you as a means to an end.
Little Fox: You think he’s the only one?
Sean: Who’s used you?
Little Fox: No, no. You misunderstand. He’s not the only one in our marriage.
Sean: Oh, true. But do you really love him?
Little Fox: Eh. He kinda let my grandpops die.
Sean: True fact, and then didn’t let you have revenge.
Little Fox: True. He kinda sucks. But he’ll do. For now at least. *Looks off into the distance mysteriously.*
*PAYLO credits come on for the last time, still using the spy music and cool style.*
*At Josh’s apartment, Namoo, Angel, and Burt lay down on the floor together, while Lexi lies on the couch. After several complaints from Lexi about the low temperature, they all fall asleep. As they sleep Josh calls all of his special contacts, trying to find out where PAYLO is. After drinking a little too much whiskey, Josh falls out of his desk chair, unconscious. He wakes up in his bed with a pretty bad hangover. He looks to his left and sees Namoo sleeping next to him. He sits up and sees Lexi sleeping by his feet like a cat. Later in the evening, Josh approaches the Red Hat Building in downtown Raleigh. (Which is a disguise for PAYLO’s summer home.) The doors open.*
Josh: *Wind blows dramatically* Groovy.
Sean: Perfect. Goodnight.
Josh: Woah, Sean. Where’d you come from??
Sean: Umm, you’ve had me on speaker phone for ten minutes now. You must’ve butt dialed me.
Josh: Oh. Well this is awkward. And who are you saying “perfect goodnight” to?
Sean: I was definitely not saying perfect about your wife’s smooching abilities. Goodnight Josh!
Josh: Grrr. Just can’t wait to get Kyla back.
*Josh heads back hme deciding to deal with PAYLO tomorrow, being very nervous. The next day, he and his friends go out for lunch and then head back downtown. After sitting in front of the building for a few minutes, Josh turns back and looks at Namoo, Angel, and Burt, sitting inside Lexis.*
*Namoo gives a thumbs up.*
Josh: *Opens door to find the terrifyingly beautiful Arimetheus shimmering behind a desk.*
Arimetheus: *In his powerful, but calm voice* Whattup!
Josh: *Quietly walks in with duel wield suppressed Uzis* Arimetheus? How’d you get here so fast?
Arimetheus: *Ignoring Josh’s question* PAYLO asks you to put your weapons away before he sees you.
Josh: Fine. *Lets Uzis hang on their slings.*
Arimetheus: Put them in the box. *Points at an abnormally large happy meal© box.*
Josh: Mmm. *Puts Uzis and duffle bag in the box, then puts hands in jacket pockets.*
Arimetheus: And the pockets…
Josh: *Takes out a pocket knife, a flash bang grenade, and a huge Bowie knife and puts them in the box.* Now?
Arimetheus: *Slightly annoyed now*And your pant pockets…
Josh: What? Grrr… *Takes out a sticky grenade and some cigarettes.*
Arimitheus: We all done yet?
Arimetheus: *stares intensely* You SURE?
Josh: *Scared* …..yea *Josh’s eyes widen, and he hides his mouth in his jacket in terror.*
Arimetheus: *Super intense glare* YOU SURE? PAYLO will know if you’re lying.
Josh: *Face palms. Pulls up jacket and unholsters Glock, then puts it in the box.* Ok. Now show me the way.
*Arimetheus nods and guides Josh down the hall to an elevator. Arimetheus doesn’t press a button, but just waits awkwardly as the elevator ascends.*
Josh: *Uncomfortably* So. What’s your job?
Arimetheus: I’m a secretary, but every once in awhile I go on business trips, you know?
Josh: Hm. Are you like, an alien?
Arimetheus: Star Spawn.
Josh: Ah. So…You’re pretty powerful?
Arimetheus: Yeah, that’s why PAYLO is my boss. He’s the only one I felt was qualified to boss me around.
*Finally the elevator rings and the doors open.*
Arimetheus: I’ll be leaving you here.
Josh: Oh. Alright. You have any clue what he’s gonna say to me?
Arimetheus: *Shakes head, then leaves.*
*Josh sees a small man in the other corner of the waiting room.*
Small Man: ‘Ello.
Josh: Um. PAYLO?
Small Man: *In thick accent* No. I’m just waiting for ‘im. Whatchu here for? *Josh gets distracted* Oy, you deaf? I said why are you wantin’ to meet with PAYLO.
Josh: Um. Why are you wanting to meet PAYLO?
Small Man: Oh ho ho. Asked you firs’, din’ I?
Josh: Gah, ok. I’m his friend.
Small Man: Ha. Right. Sure. Like ol’ PAYLO has got friends. Not of the human sort, anyway. Anywho. I’m seekin’ an audience with PAYLO, meself.
Female Voice on intercom: PAYLO will see you both together now.
Small Man: Right. That’s us, me thinks.
Josh: Well, lead the way, ma man.
Female Voice on intercom: It’s just down the hall.
Josh: Oh, OK!
Small Man: Well, shall we. *Small man offers his arm to Josh.*
Josh: *Ignores gesture.*
*Down the hall, a giant jeweled door towers. Josh stares in fear, pondering what could be beyond the door.*
Female Voice on Intercom: Go ahead.
Small Man: Well, bit stiff aren’t you? That’s all right. *Loops his arm around Josh’s* In we go.
*The door handle is warm, like a soft towel.*
Small Man: *Pushes through the doors, opening up to a giant room-size bed. Sitting in the middle of the bed is NONE OTHER THAN….PAYLO!!!!!!!!!!? He seems to be in the form of a naked, white baby, who is laying down on his stomach, smiling an adorable baby smile as they enter the room.*
Josh: WHAT THE EVEN HECK!?!
Small Man: *Bows*
PAYLO: *In a calm, adult woman’s voice* Josh. Lower your voice. I have a migraine.
Josh: What the heck dude?!
Small Man: *Whispering to Josh* You might want to bow, lad. Show a bit of respect.
Josh: The _____ I will!!! You’re just a freakin’ baby?!?!
PAYLO: What is your problem?
Josh: Why do you have a women’s voice?!
Small Man: *Shaking his head* You’re gonna get smote, mate.
PAYLO: *Now in deep Mexican man’s voice* I can do whatever I want!
Josh: Oh, well, this is awkward *Throws the little man out of the room and closes the door.*
PAYLO: *Back to the soothing woman’s voice* Let him back in.
Josh: No. I need to talk to you
Small Man: *Walks back in* Well, that was rude.
PAYLO: What’s with you and throwing people?
Josh: *Gets on bed and sits down next to PAYLO.*
Small Man: May I have a seat, sir?
PAYLO: Oh, Josh, you think you’re so important. Hundreds of people come and see me every day. I have to do two people at once in order to get things done. And of course John, sit.
Josh: Ugh. Ok. You go first, John.
Small Man: Right, thank you. Well, PAYLO. I recently fell in love. My girlfriend is Indian. As in Asia India.
Small Man: Well, I want to marry her but her parents got problems with that. And I’ve always felt wrong in my own body. So, I come to you. I’ve got nothing you need or want, but I offer my friendship and respect. Make an Indian man.
PAYLO: You wish to be indian?
Small Man: I do. I’d do anything for my lovely lady.
PAYLO: Can I see a picture?
Small Man: Of what I wish to look like or of my lady love?
PAYLO: Lady love preferably.
*Small man shows awkward picture of his Indian lady love from his wallet.*
Small Man: Why thank you. I like to think I’ve got good taste.
*Josh gives the ‘OK’ sign with his hand, nodding as if he was impressed.*
PAYLO: *Creepily inching closer* Veeeeerrry…*Suddenly back to normal* So, you wish to be with your love……
Small Man: I do. Will you grant my request?
PAYLO: *Closes it’s eyes dramatically, than opens them* Her parents are now white.
Small Man: Oh. Oh! Well that’s…. not quite what I was expecting.
PAYLO: You’re welcome.
Small Man: Well… I suppose. Thanks, mate. Really appreciate it.
PAYLO: Now you. *Looks at Josh*
Small Man: *Sprints out of room to his lady love.*
PAYLO: *screaming* NO! JOHN COME BACK!!!
Small Man: *Popping back in* Oh. Did you call!?
PAYLO: I have to have two people in the room with me. It’s in the rules.
Small Man: Oh, right, I’ll stay then. I don’t mind. Fellow wouldn’t answer me question about why he was here anyway. Bit curious, I am.
PAYLO: *Looks at Josh* Ah, Josh Doeffinger. You have been most interesting in your desire to find me.
*Josh has fallen asleep on PAYLO’s bed.*
PAYLO: JOSH! Wake up.
Josh: Oh. Sorry. You have a pretty awesome bed. So…uh…Hi.
PAYLO: Hey. So, I’d like to hear why you are so desperate to see me.
Josh: Well. I want to be able to be with my soulmate Kyla.
PAYLO: Ah, you’re the one with the thing about touching?
Josh: Heheh. Yeeaaa Soooo. Can I marry her?
PAYLO: Why can’t you marry her?
Small Man: Can I take a phone call over here for a moment?
PAYLO: Sure, just stay in the room. *Returning it’s gaze to Josh* The crazy haired boy barely ever touched her and was married to her for s very long time. And who said you were soulmates? *PAYLO looks intensely at Josh*.
Josh: WE’RE SOUL MATES. And. Um. Well. The universe said that me and her can’t be together because in a relationship the hotness levels are usually shared by to people like, 62% and 38% or 50% 50% and you PAYLO, are the flesh form of the universe. So whaddup with that?? Kinda weird…
PAYLO: *Looks confused* I never decreed that. Who told you that?
Josh: THE UNIVERSE! BUT. Me and her are both 100%. So me and her together makes 200% And if we were ever together the Milky Way would explode. A rule declared by the universe.
PAYLO: I am the universe. I never said you couldn’t be together. That’s not how it works. Have you seen the crazy haired boy and the crazy minded girl? They clearly break that rule. Did the crazy haired boy suggest this?
Josh: Naw. That relationship was 100% and 0%. BUT-
PAYLO: Are you arguing with me?
Josh: What about that writing on the ground? Hold on let me find it. It’s in my pockets I swear.
*PAYLO looks unconvinced.*
Josh: *Shows the picture of Kyla and Josh’s names with heart around them.* There!
PAYLO: Who took that?
PAYLO: Who told you about the 100 and 100 thing?
Josh: I see where you’re going, but whenever me and Kyla touch fingers it starts sizzling and if we do it to long it catches fire.
PAYLO: Josh, do you know what the burning hands spell is?
Josh: PAYLO DONT YOU MESS WITH ME!!!
PAYLO: YOU HAVE BEEN DECEIVED!!!
Josh: SHUT UUPP!! So. Can you make it possible for me to marry Kyla? Bro? Or whatever you are. Are you a guy?
PAYLO: *Terrifying Christopher lee style voice* Did you just tell me to shut up?!?!
Josh: Yea. And please cover your butt. Its making me uncomfortable. John keeps staring at it.
Small Man: *Ended his call a few minutes ago* Do not!
PAYLO: Are you harassing me about my gender and nakedness?
Josh: Well, I’m asking about your gender. I’m requesting you cover your butt. Or are you just not any gender?
PAYLO: Have you fought to get here, defending your friend when it seems like he’s the enemy?
PAYLO: *Looks sad, and returns to the Woman’s voice* Alright, you are worthy. Nothing is keeping you from being with her now. You have done well.
Josh: Woah. Awesome. Thanks dude. So, um, was Sean behind all this? I mean you’re the universe, you have to know.
PAYLO: In what way?
Josh: Like, making me believe you were the enemy. Actually, I still don’t know on that area. OH! Did he send the nazis? He always be hailin’ Hitler.
PAYLO: He never made me look that way. I was just testing you earlier, all his theories about me were correct. And no, the Nazis were Lord Grummond. Sean is on your side. I just asked you about this. Weirdo. Anything else you want to say?
Josh: Oh, yeah. Who is this Grummond guy?
PAYLO: LEAVE ME! GO!
Josh: Broooo, come on don’t be that waaayyyy-
PAYLO: DON’T PUSH IT?!
Small Man: Right, I think we best be leaving. *Tugging at Josh’s jacket. We might want to go now, lad.
Josh: Hm. Maybe you want me to go on this mission to find Grummond and maybe learn a lesson on the way AND INNOCENT PEOPLE DIE IN THE PROCESS!!! *Runs out of room dramatically.*