Going to California
*The sky blackens as a cold, easterly breeze blows through the night air. No stars fill the sky tonight, as they are replaced by a seemingly empty, hollow universe. A man sprints across the desert, chased by the creators of dozens of loud food steps and the creaking of exo skeletons. The man is cornered, then turns, looking frightened, but suddenly begins to smile. He is victorious, the monsters are not chasing him, they are following him. He laughs, and disappears into the night. Henceforth, he would forsake his forgotten family, and be known as a lord. Lord Grummond.*
*75 years later, in Sean’s house.*
Sean: Alright Josh, David. You guys understand what you have to do?
David: Yeah. Totally. But just explain it Josh’s pee wee broom. I mean brain! Sorry! Didn’t notice it.
Josh: David, you’re so freaking hilarious, I want to kiss you. Look. I’m trying to stay clean now for as long as I can. Usually when people make inappropriate jokes while I’m trying to stay clean it makes it harder. But when you do it, it makes it easier. Thank you.
David: Everyone wants to kiss me.
Sean: Anyway, go to the airport, buy two tickets under the alias Mr and Mr Mitchell, go to Los Angeles, take a taxi out to the tiny town of Shady Sands, where you will meet my Associate, Seth, who will give you weapons and guide you to some caves, where we may find evidence as to where and who Lord Grummond is. All we know is that he hates Josh because of his eyes.
Josh: My eyes??
Sean: Yes, thats all we know. Also, you guys have to pretend to be married. That is essential to the plan.
Josh: Okay. *Kisses David. David starts choking and crying.*
Sean: Perfect, that was totally natural.
David: What? I gagged.
Sean: When you meet Seth, the code is “Who’s the best cat in the United States?” If he says “It’s you hamper jamper, it’s you!” Then he is the contact. Don’t talk to anyone unless you have to.
David: Got it.
Sean: Good. Batman and Gary are looking for Tim. Little Fox and Nate are looking for the other Tim. And I’m staying here to pull the strings on my other contacts.
*Suddenly someone says CUT, and the three prepare for the next shot on set. It’s suddenly become very meta.*
Josh: *To Sean as the director sets up the camera for the next shot* Wait. If batman is in this story. Then who’s Jim Gordon? It can’t really be Gary.
Sean: *Ghostly ooooooooo*
Josh: What? *Looks at the camera that’s recording them now* We’re being recorded. This means we’re in a show inside of a show. So what happens if I do this? *Punches Sean, but is still looking at the camera and so he only hits his chest lightly.*
Josh: This is incredible.
Sean: *Looking really stressed out.* This is breaking the rules. We should stop.
Josh: *Walks off the set that’s inside of the set and looks at a new camera that was filming the show that was being filmed* Do we do this to talk inside of the show, that’s inside a show?
Sean: STOP! YOU’RE FREAKIN’ ME OUT! *Suddenly they switch to the first camera and go back into the story.* Anyway, no weapons until you get to shady sands, understand?
Josh: Whhaaat??? No duffle bag?! No raygun? No rifle? No bow?? No glock?! No sword?
Sean: No, Lord Grummond would find you in an instant.
Josh: Can I have my pocket knife?
Sean: They’ll find it at the airport.
Josh: Gah. Can you have my duffle bag smuggled over to the safe house?
Sean: I’ll try to get it to Shady Sands, but until then, nah.
Josh: ‘Kay. Does Seth have weapons?
Sean: Yes, he’s the head of the guards at Shady Sands. And he secretly works for me.
Josh: Alright, let’s go.
Sean: I’ll see you later, good luck. If you need anything, just call me.
*End scene. The screen starts to fade into the credits, but suddenly it cuts to Josh being double meta again.*
Josh: Sooooo, is this a thing?
Josh: Ok, ok. What about this? *Walks off the third set and onto a fourth one that’s been recording the first three ones.
Sean: *As Josh brings him to a fifth one, breaking the 25th wall, Sean sobs*
Cyrus: *In the sixth one* Nnnooooooooooo!!!!!!
Josh: *After bringing them through 13, the original set is far in the distance as metaness has been brought to a whole new level* KISS ME!!!!!
Santannah: *Sitting awkwardly on the most meta of all the sets, so much so, that if they kept going they’d enter the real world.*
*The credits have been playing this whole time, now the taxi from the airport to Shady Sands is just arriving.*
Josh: *Calls Sean*
Sean: Watchu want?
Josh: What was Seth’s address?
Sean: He should meet you at the entrance, you almost there?
Josh: Yeah we just- oh I think that’s him. *Texts picture of a tall bearded man who looks somewhat like Jesus.*
Sean: Oh, yup, that’s him, but do the code thing just in case. David there?
Josh: He’s still getting out of the taxi. I’ll wait for him. Daaaavviiiidd!
David: *Catching up with Josh, he seems to be texting someone and not really paying attention.* Yo. Talking to bae bro.
Josh: David. Serious matters are at hand.
David: Um, same.
Josh: *Puts Sean on speaker phone* We have to pursue the mission of Lord Grummond though!!! And please, even if you sent me a picture of her kissing you, I still wouldn’t believe it.
Sean: You and Julie a thing? AND YOU CAN’T DO BOTH???
David: But bae bro…
Josh: David. Stop saying bæ. You’re not a schoolgirl.
Sean: Bae is only said by people in tentative and unstable relationships. Or single people. And the sentence ‘but bae bro’ made me lose an immense amount of respect for you.)
Sean: *Shaking his head* Lame, David. Lame.
Kyla: *Calls David, it seems he has texted her about the current situation. He puts her on speakerphone* Please don’t be mean to people for the way they speak except for in extreme circumstances. That’s what mean people do.
Josh: What if they are speaking crudely? Or insulting people?
Sean: What if they are telling me they ‘gonna kill my buttz’?
Kyla: Allow me to refer to the sentence I just said where I say “except for in extreme circumstances”.
Josh: The circumstances I said aren’t extreme. Sean’s is.
Sean: *Not hearing correctly over the phone* Is David crying?
David: Why would I be?
Kyla: Probs not. He’s not a baby.
David: Thanks Kyla. I can always count on you. *pounds chest twice and points to the phone, although Kyla can obviously not see him.*
Josh: Are we gonna get to work?
*Cyrus nods, says goodbye to Kyla, and hangs up.*
Sean: Ugh, people… *Hangs up*
Josh: David, let’s go. Seth is right there. *Points at Seth, walks up to him, and says* Excuse me?
*Seth stands at the entrance to Shady Sands, with molded native american style adobe huts and buildings, surrounded by a sandstone wall, holding a rifle and looking diligently.*
David: *Suddenly confused* Who’s Seth? Where are we? I feel like I just forgot everything.
Josh: *Trying to sound as cool as possible* Who’s the best cat in the United States?
David: *Thinking he knows the answer* Grumpy cat.
Seth: *Puts on aviators, looks dramatically at the sun set* It’s you hamper jamper, it’s you.
David: What even?
Seth: *Gruff, awesome voice* Sean send you?
David: *Suddenly recovering his cool* Maybe. What’s it to you?
Seth: I’m here to help you with the Grummond situation.
David: Mm. Well I have to be gay right now. As an assignment. So let’s get this over with.
David: Well at least there’s that. Mitchell. David and Josh Mitchell.
Josh: *Ignoring David* That’s David, my ‘husband’.
Seth: Real names? You can trust me, I work directly for Sean.
David: Yeah, those are our real names. Wait, was I supposed to lie? Man! Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Josh: My name is Joshua Doeffinger. *Points at David* Detective David Cyrus Mitchell. Show us the safe house, and let me hold a kill tool.
Cyrus: *Bows and says dully* At your service. *Yawns* Can we get on with this?
Seth: Come on. *looks at a fellow guard* Tandi, you got this?
Tandi: Of course.
*Seth brings the two guys to a shabby adobe hut on the west side of town.*
Josh: *As Josh walks in, he sees Carl, sitting in a recliner with a pistol strapped on his hip* Carl??
David: Carl? Who is that?
Carl: *Looks around at them and says blandly* I am Carl. Hello, tall male man. I have gotten better at English. Interesting language. Mr. Skinny male man has hired me to help you on your mission.
David: Oh yeah. You. *Still not recognizing Carl.*
Seth: The little dude came stumbling out of Nevada a few days ago, Sean told me to keep an eye out for him.
Carl: *Walks up to David* are you tall male man’s reunited soul mate?
David: I would seem so.
Josh: Ummm. Yeah that didn’t work out, Carl.
David: Oh. Wait. Her? Nah. He’s gay now. *Points at Josh* Because of rejection.
Carl: Oh? Did skinny blonde woman not love you?
Josh: Yeeahh. Turns out Kyla is a lesbian now.
Josh: It actually all makes sense now.
Seth: That sucks. My lady friend doesn’t really love me either.
David: Yo. Life.
Carl: Not uncommon for this planet to have unloving soulmates, and gay ones at that.
David: I love a fox. Beat that.
David: Yeah. I love her soul. But she doesn’t get that I guess. Or does and still thinks I’m gross. Anyways, business.
Seth: How long’ve you known her?
Josh: *To Seth* Don’t talk to him. She’s a fox. Like an animal fox. #bestiality
David: Like, since halfway through this whole ordeal. So like tops a week.
Josh: Don’t worry David. It’ll be legal in a few years.
David: No thanks. I just wanna become a wolf at this point. I have a pure soul. But LF don’t believe dat.
Josh: David, we already established that you are a groundhog. LGs grandfather even told me “odd police man who thinks he is wolf will try to steal little fox from you. Take great caution for he has the capability to turn into a lightning groundhog.” Lg’s G-pa and I were close. Within the two days I knew him.
Seth: Wolves and Foxes aren’t even the same family. Gross.
David: Didn’t actually happen. Now he is making stuff up.
Carl: So, can we eat food?
Seth: Guys, we should get down to business.
Josh: Ok ok, anyways, let’s get to it.
Seth: Every night, vicious monsters known as Radscorpians come out and kill our cattle, and now have been going after people. I know where they nest, but I haven’t been able to kill all them. I have knowledge that a man named Lord Grummond was the first man to explore the caves, so I called Sean up about it.
Seth: If you want info about Lord Grummond, I suggest you check out the caves.
Josh: Did Sean get any info?
Seth: Well, thats why he sent you guys. To search the caves. He didn’t tell me anything else. He did send a ridiculously huge duffel bag.
Josh: OH! That’s mine. Black and heavy?
Seth: It’s over there, in the corner. So, you going to the Radscorpian caves tonight?
Josh: Yeah. Let’s go David.