*Josh, David, and Carl wake up tied to chairs and stripped of all weapons and ammunition. A whimpering can be heard behind them.*
Josh: Not you Carl.
Voice: *through tears* Josh? Is that you?
Josh: Hello? Who is it?
Voice: It’s Sean.
Josh: Where’s LF and Nate?
Sean: LF is in France right now, and Nate is in England.
Sean: They were looking for evidence about Lord Grummond. At least, thats last I checked. People move without CONSULTING ME!! *Sobs.*
Josh: Pull yourself together! You’ve been through worse.
Sean: NAMOO LEFT TODAY!! *After sobbing for a bit, he calms himself down* What are you guys doing here?
Josh: Your guy Seth sent us.
Sean: Yeah, he sent you to the scorpion caves, not here.
Josh: Wait, where are we??
Sean: We’re inside the base of the Khans, a gang of raiders that go around raping and pillaging small towns and stuff in the area before the police can show up. They’re a pretty powerful criminal group here, but I thought I had power over them. Seems that’s not the case, can’t trust anyone. *Cries melodramatically.*
*Josh looks at his bindings. He, Carl, and David are all wearing hand cuffs AND tied to chairs.*
Carl: I think I have lock pick.
Sean: It’s no use. They have a locked door with guards outside.
Carl: Better than nothing. You are good fighters. Maybe even law male man *Points at David.*
Carl: *Carl vomits up a lock pick and a pocket knife. Carl throws his chair onto his vomit and picks up his stuff. He unlocks his handcuffs.* My hands have no metal circles anymore.
Sean: What’s the point Carl?
Carl: Skinny male man is much more like skinny female man.
Sean: THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!!! *Cries for a little while longer, and then gets himself back together* Okay, if you guys really want to get out, I guess I can tell you what you need to know about the Khans, but I don’t see the point in trying to escape myself.
*Carl frees Josh and David. David is still unconscious.*
Josh: Since you’re not coming should David stay? Cuz he’s unconscious…
Sean: Yeah, I guess eventually I’ll break out, just don’t look at me.
Josh: Why? Are you shirtless?
Sean: I- well, they stripped me. I’m naked.
Josh: Oh man, THATS WHY YOURE CRYING!! Ooohhh, ok ok ok. That makes sense now.
*Of course, Sean isn’t naked, he’s just in an undershirt and boxers.*
Carl: Here tall male man. *Hands Josh a wooden pocket knife.*
Sean: Where’d you get that?
Josh: Carl threw it up.
Sean: Weirdo. Alright, grab a weapon as soon as you get the chance. The Khans are really good in melee, they fancy themselves the Mongols, what with their raiding and kidnapping and whatnot. Like, a gun.
Josh: Well there’s no guns in the room. We’ll have to take them from the guards
Sean: They probably have a few pistols, but they mainly use spears.
Josh: I wish Burt were here. He’d probably have a few guns in him somewhere.
Sean: Oh well, Burt can’t always be here to save us. You can’t trust anyone for that…
Josh: Ok. Well, let’s go Carl.
*Action movie music plays, with a hint of a Mongolian style as the credits play.*
*Outside of the rusty door to the cell is a rundown hallway to what look like an old ranch house or possibly a crappy prison. Josh and Carl walk through the hallway. One dirty, strong looking man stands stoutly in the hall, leaning against a spear that looks more like a harpoon.*
Josh: Hm? Excuse me sir?
Raider: Well, looks like it’s my lucky day. It’s a prison break.
Josh: Prison break would imply that I am breaking out of a prison, but what I am doing is simply walking out of a play house.
Raider: GET BACK IN YOUR CELL!!
Josh: Now now. There’s no need to raise your voice.
Raider: *Points spear at Josh* Who do you think you are?
Josh: Is pointing the gun at me necessary? I’m unarmed…
Raider: *suddenly confused* What gun?
Josh: Exactly. So, I have one question.
Josh: Can I have something to eat?
Raider: Oh sure, what would you like?
Josh: YOUR SOUL! *Quickly thrusts knife into neck.*
*The guard makes a racket as he falls backward, knocking over a small table.*
Carl: Come on!
*There are two doors on the other side of the hall. Josh takes the spear from the raider’s dead body, hands the pocket knife to Carl, and opens the first door. This leads to a small storage room with an open back door that leads outside into the desert. Josh looks into the other door. A group of dirty men and women in leather and tire armor holding an assortment of spears, knives, desert eagles, and colt pistols, stand looking at two battered women who seem to be their slaves, who are dancing for the raiders.* Carl suddenly goes completely nuts and starts ripping off their faces with his bare teeth and swallowing them. The Raiders shoot and stab and generally miss and die, but two put up a fierce fight, seeming to be the leaders, as they are wearing metal and tire armor. Josh thrusts his spear at one of the leaders, but it gets stuck in the tire rubber. The spear gets stuck in the tire rubber. Josh pushes the spear hard, trying to knock the leader down, but the huge man takes the spear and snaps it in half. The huge man takes the spear and snaps it in half. Josh picks up a pistol from a body and starts shooting at the man’s head, dropping him dead.* Josh quickly turns to the right to fight the other leader, only to find Carl and him still facing off. Josh looks down at the bodies, to find all their hands missing.*
Khan leader: *Growling with hate* Lord Grummond told us you’d be a problem. I am Garl the Deathhand, Leader of the Khans!!
Josh: *Picks up desert eagle and shoots at face.*
Garl: *Dodges* You think you can come here without challenge? This, the home of your deadliest enemies? We will see you dead. I will personally tear your heart out of your chest and eat it before my proud warriors!
Josh: You seem to act pretty tough. How ‘bout a duel? A fair sword fight with no armor.
Garl: *looks impressed* How about a fist fight? I have a boxing ring outside.
Josh: Oh. Convenient. Ok, cool.
* A couple minutes later, at the boxing ring.*
*Carl rubs Josh’s shoulders. A gang of Khans, their slaves, Sean, and Carl surround the ring as the two opponents face off. Garl takes off his metal armor to reveal a crazy eight pack.*
Josh: So um. Begin? Whoa. Is that a freaking eight pack? All right. Well. Come on.
Garl: You know it baby! *Charges at the relatively small frame of Josh.*
*Josh jumps through Garl’s legs. Garl trips and lands on his face. The Khans growl and hiss. Josh jumps on Garl’s back, puts him in a headlock, and attempts to break his neck. Garl turns his head completely around and bites Josh’s nose.*
Josh: WHOAH! *Jumps up and wipes blood off his nose. Stands still in front of Garl with his hands up.*
Garl: *Jumps up and sneers* MY FATHER BROKE MY NECK WHEN I WAS TEN!
Josh: Oh. Too bad it didn’t kill you.
Garl: Yeah, because I never would’ve gotten the chance to kill him.
Josh: Alright well. Come on big boy.
Garl: You know, you remind me of him in an odd sort of way. Do you feel like DYING TODAY?!?!?
Josh: Not particularly.
Garl: *Walks forward calmly with a broad smile on his face* I’m gonna snap your head off like I did to my father, then, I’m gonna put it on my motorcycle.
Josh: Well that’s not mentally healthy.
*The khans all cheer, and a few that are on their motorcycles for some reason rev their engines. Josh charges forward and punches him in the crotch.*
Sean: CHEAP, JOSH!!! CHEEAAAP!!!
*Garl doubles over in pain and turns red faced, in fury. Josh jumps on him and starts repeatedly striking his throat. Garl throws Josh off and attempts to breath.*
Garl: Hmm, you fight better than I expected. I haven’t had a good beating since my father slapped me around the room. Take your miserable hide and leave. If you ever return, I will not be so gentle.
Josh: Alright. *Walks over to get stuff.*
*Meanwhile, Sean has been sneaking around freeing all the slaves and prisoners and getting them ready to escape in a jeep.*
Josh: *walks up behind Garl and presses desert eagle against the back of his head.* Maybe I’ll take you head.
Guard: *yells out* LOOK OUT GARL!!
Josh: *Pulls trigger*
*Garl swings around with his fist, and just barely dodges the bullet. He grabs his own Desert Eagle again and opens fire. Sean bursts out of the garage with his jeep full of escaping slaves.*
Sean: QUICK JOSH! GRAB CARL!!
*Josh hears a spear flying towards his from behind, and drops to the ground letting the spear hit Garl. Carl jumps on the jeep with a bag of hands. Garl gets hit in the shoulder, but he tears it out and charges, while opening fire alongside his gang.*
Sean: JOSH! JUMP ON! QUICK!
Josh: No Sean. They would chase us. You need to go! I’ll distract them!
Sean: JOSH! IT’S MY JOB TO BE DRAMATIC AND SACRIFICIAL! DON’T YOU TAKE THIS!
Josh: *Runs into the building and tears through supply closet, looking for his duffle bag.*
Sean: *From outside* AGH! I SWEAR I’LL BE BACK IN A BIT! *Drives off. Sean barely escapes with Carl and the gang, as they are quickly pursued by a couple Khans on Motorcycles.*
Josh:*Closes door behind him* Duffle bag! You here?!
*The rest of the raiders surround the building.*
Garl: There’s no escape. Get out here boy!
*Josh keeps looking frantically until he finds the duffel bag. He puts it over his shoulder. He realizes that there’s a motorcycle in the hallway. He decides to not use it, and instead cuts open the gas tank and let’s it leak throughout the hallway. He then climbs up into the air vent and finds way to the roof.*
*A raider comes out of the bathroom and sits on the motorcycle expecting it to work.*
Motorcycle Raider: Why won’ dis thing work?
Josh: *Sticks head out of a hole in the ceiling* Sorry breh.
Motorcycle Raider: It’s okay, could you pass me a few dollars to get a wrench?
Josh: Yeah, you know I’m a little short on things right now. And you’re about to die, so it’d be a waste.
Motorcycle Raider: Oh, okay, thanks anyway.
*After getting up to the roof, Josh looks over ledge, seeing a bunch of raiders, ready to bust inside. He
notices the gas has started to leak out under the door outside. Josh drops match onto gas, and jumps off, with suppressed assault rifle. The already poorly made ranch house bursts into flames, with raiders screaming and running about. Amidst the chaos, Garl is the only one still going after Josh. Garl is wearing his metal armor again and he begins shooting at Josh. Josh shoots rifle at Garl, but the bullets bounce off his armor. Josh now shoots his grenade launcher attachment at the fiend, but Garl sprints away from the grenade. Garl bends down to pick up a molotov cocktail off of a dead raiders body, not realizing that the end is slightly on fire. While he’s holding it, it explodes, making Garl burst into flames.*
Garl: AGGGHHGHGHGHGHGHG!! *Dies*
Josh: Wow. Just. Oh my. *Runs back to the ranch, shooting all the raiders.*
*Some raiders escape on their motorcycles, but it’s clear the Khans won’t be an organized threat for awhile. Josh grabs leftover motorcycle and takes off.*