CONVO Season 3 Episode 15 Dude, We’re Getting The Band Back Together

Season 3
Episode 15
Dude, We’re Getting The Band Back Together

*Josh and Kyla are doing facetime, back in Raleigh*

Josh: So, did you have a theory about why I passed out? You never told me back in California.

Kyla: No, I was just trying to get in on some of the drugs you were on.
Josh: Oh. Where are you?
Kyla: At your house.  *Looks smugly at Josh over the phone.*
Josh: That doesn’t make sense. I live in your attic, Kyla.

Kyla: *Looks confused for a second* Oh, right.
Josh: I just live there. I don’t sleep there.
Kyla: Oh.
Josh: When I sleep, I go to your neighbor’s house, crawl into their hot tub and sleep in there. I have to wrap myself in chains to keep from floating up.
Kyla: *Looks unconvinced* How do you breathe?
Josh:…..I’m Josh.
Kyla: Oh, right. Forgot.
Josh: I store oxygen in my cheeks. Can last up to 24 hours. Unfortunately, I sleep for about 25 hours a day…
Kyla: Whoa cool. Can you teach me?


Josh: Yeah, sure.
Kyla: Wait. Are you asleep now?
Josh: Kyla. There’s a few things you can’t understand. I’m not saying that you aren’t able to understand, I’m saying that you shouldn’t understand. For training, we shall start in the ocean first, then work our way to the pool, then the hot tub. Chlorine makes it harder.
Kyla: Oh. Cool.
Josh: But yeah. I’m in your attic I think I’ll go to your neighbor’s in a few hours/
Kyla: Well. I’m at your house, so obviously there’s a problem.
Josh: Former house.
Kyla: Right.
Josh: Wait. If you’re in my current house, then you’re in your attic.
Kyla: Nah.
Josh: Which means we done be at the same room!
Kyla: Nnnnnnaah. *Calls Sean* Sean, where you at?
Sean: Well, since I got back to the EC yesterday, I’ve been chilling out in the tower of the national cathedral.
Josh: Ooh, Iggy loves that place.
Sean: Oh, you still hanging out around that old reptile?
Josh: Yeah, he’s my therapist. When he gets really angry, his eyes stick out. One of the reasons he’s called The Chameleon.
Sean: I thought he was an Iguana? That’s a pretty confusing name.
Josh: Chameleon is a type of iguana. … I think. *Shrugs, then sends a picture from Craig’s List, showing a product on sale. It says “Extremely RARE. One of a kind, Iggy the Iguana w/tush Tag Error. $800”*
Sean: Whoa, hey. That’s false advertising and slavery.
Josh: This is obviously a chameleon. But says iguana, sooo…
Kyla: Wait. That’s not a-ok.
Josh: And yes they are selling that for $800.
Kyla: Only 800? Get it.
Josh: Maybe I should get it. *Does impression of George Lucas* Like my room, it like, it just.. It needs more lizards…I saw maybe two? There should at least be 8.
Sean: Are you endorsing this slavery? Josh. I expected better from you. Just make a lizard friend and chill with him.
Kyla: So crazy.

*Opening Credits come on in the style of a news show.*

*PSB News comes on, showing Sean spinning around in his chair.*

Sean: Hello, and welcome everyone to PSB News! I had a great interview with Easton king yesterday, a representative for Al Gore, and learned a lot about where he stands. For more info on this interview, check out our website. BREAKING NEWS: Our newest candidate in the race, running as a Republican, is Ignatius Noelemahc. *A picture of Iggy is shown in the back ground.* This should be an interesting election now with this businessman running for president…

*Josh and Kyla are hanging out at Kyla’s house, when Sean walks in.*
Sean: So, Ignatius is running for president?
Josh: Yeah. He says that he won’t stand for a mindless dog running for president. He also won’t stand for Mocha either.
Sean: Haha, well done.
Josh:  He’s like a smart version of Donald Trump.
Sean: So, Hitler basically?
Josh: He’s pretty much a fascist.
Kyla: Same.
Sean: I’ll have to interview either you or him soon. Just want to make clear, I’m just a moderator and am not in favor of any candidate over another. Hey, Kyla, do you want to run, or represent somebody?
Kyla: Hm. Dunno. Sounds like work.
Sean: You should. I want as many people as possible, so it can be intense.
Josh: You could get Little Fox to run?
Kyla: Little Fox has zero interest in running in your petty human election.
Josh: Hey. There’s only one human running in this election.


Sean: Al Gore is barely human. He’s like an astral spirit. At least that’s what I was told. Squat and Rita could run, attempting to bring back the Kingdom of Otis?
Kyla: Rita would probably be down, but Squat is more of a follower. And they’re a package deal.
Sean: *Getting annoyed* Kyla, I’d greatly appreciate it if you or someone you represent ran. It’s sort of my new thing, this whole fake election.
Kyla: I’ll think about it.
Sean: Ugh.
Kyla: *Rolls Eyes.*
Sean: Josh, help me out here.
Josh: *Shrugs* Less competition. Everyone go and follow Iggy on Instagram. #nationofnoelemach Ignatius will make this nation more powerful than anything on the earth. He’s already buying out half of Gore’s supporters.


Sean: Hmm. Well, candidates are still coming in. Who knows who’ll come next…


*At PSB News the next day, Sean explains something as a picture of Carl the Martian appears behind him.*

Sean: The candidates are just flooding in. I’ve just got word that Carl the Martian has just announced his entry into the race, this should be interesting as he is supposedly from Mars. Here to discuss the election with me is Ignatius Noelemahc, Al Gore, Mocha Kolbe, and Carl the Martian themselves! Hello everyone!


*All of the candidates seem to be on call and show up on separate screens. Al Gore looks stern and serious. Mocha looks unimpressed, but calm. Ignatius smiles evilly into the camera. Carl just looks confused. The candidates send their greetings back to Sean.*


Sean: It’s good to see you all, this will be great for ratings. So, first off, the other day when I had an interview with Mr. King, it seemed like Gore’s campaign was pretty well organized, and doing pretty well, so, to the newer candidates, how do you expect to take on Gore and Kolbe, who seem to have a pretty well planned campaign?

Ignatius: Ah, the representative of this ‘Gore’. Be careful who you’re friends with, Mr. Condon…

Carl: OOOH! Yummy hands! *Carl stares at Sean’s hands*

Sean: That didn’t really answer my question. *There’s an awkward silence* Umm, okay, so what is all of your thoughts on Carl the Martian entering the race?


Carl: Oooh, skinny male man ask about me!

Ignatius: Psshhh, foreigner…

Al Gore: Where is the birth certificate?

Carl the Martian: Umm, I was born in Illinois. I have proof…you are racist!

*Mocha just rolls her eyes.*

Sean: Well, we’re running out of time, is there anything you’d like to say before next time, Ignatius?


Ignatius: Let me make this Nation great! Vote for me!

Mocha: No.

Carl: Do you have hands??? *Carl starts looking hungrily at Ignatius.*

*Sean calls Josh after the news stops filming.*


Sean: Another person you support? So wait, who are you representing Josh? Iggy or Carl?
Josh: Iggy. Carl is running his own campaign.
Sean: Who’ll represent Carl in interviews?
Josh: If Carl isn’t drunk on hands then he’ll do it, I guess.

Sean: I’m doing an interview with Mocha’s representatives this Wednesday, so we’ll see.

*Another news cast with the candidates is seen. This time, Sean has only called Carl, Mocha, and Ignatius.*

Sean: So, Carl, you aren’t very well known, tell us about yourself and what you would do as  president.

Carl: I am Carl. Elect me and I will eat the enemies’ hands.*He stares creepily into the camera.

Mocha: Violence is not the answer.

Carl: But hands are yummy…*Stares at Sean’s hands*

Ignatius: Wrong, Mocha. Violence is the most effective option in most situations.

Sean: Well, Carl, do you have anything else you wish to say?

Carl: DELICIOUS HANDS! *Shows a cardboard poster he made of a bunch of pictures of human hands. He’s slobbering with hunger. Everyone else just sits there awkwardly.*

Sean: Well, we’ll continue this talk next time, any closing remarks Carl?

Carl: Vote for me! *Looks happily at the camera.*

Mocha: Foreigners these days….


Mocha: I will not fall for your lame background story. Anyway, remember everyone, by mission is to have BISCUITS AND TREATS FOR EVERYONE!

Carl: Hands too, right?
*The three candidates hang up.*
Sean: Well, that was interesting…And on another note, Happy Pig Day! And happy birthday to Otis Whitehouse! May you return someday, you wonderful pig, you. *Tears up a little bit.*

*Back at Sean’s house.*
Josh: Carl is really getting out of hand. He should just drop out. He’s got like no voters.
Sean: Ah, clever, I got that.
Josh: Iggy will prove that he wasn’t born in America.
Sean: Yeah, and if not him, Gore has been working on that too.
Josh: Iggy doesn’t like breaking the law while running. So, he’s doing it the legal way, which he’s not used to.
Sean: I bet. He should be careful of his criminal past, that might be used against him.
Josh: Yeah. But then again, Hillary has gotten extremely far, so…
Sean: This is true.
Josh: Iggy was playing me some Johnny Cash yesterday-
Kyla: *Walks in carrying something, interrupts Josh* Guess who dis be. *Shows a painting of a man who’s clearly Sean that she had done*
Sean: Josh. Nate. David. Harry potter. Michael Jackson. Trevor Damik. Al Gore.
Josh: Me!
Sean: Felix.
Kyla: Harry Potter is not actually a bad guess now that you mention it.
Sean: Malcolm Reynolds.
Josh: Me sharing a body with Sean!
Sean: Damian Brown. St Lewis Jr. René Stewart.
Josh: Sean and David morphed into one body? Conner Saoirse!
Kyla: Guys, no. It’s me. Obviously.
Sean: Oh.
Josh: WHOA!
Kyla: You see it now?
Josh: Well, she’s a lesbian. It was only a matter of time before she became transgender.
Kyla: That so doesn’t make sense, but yeah. Wait, who said I was trans? That’s just me.
Josh: Yo mama.
Kyla: The long blond hair. The lack of glasses. Me. Obviously. Man. You two can’t appreciate art.
Sean: *Picking up on Kyla’s sarcasm* So, who was it actually?
Kyla: You. Duh.
Sean: Oh, cool. He’s cute.
Kyla: Is the drawing of pigs allowed on pig day?
Sean: Refer to the rules. *Gestures to the list of Pig Day rules written on the wall.*
Kyla: *Seeing that you are allowed to draw pigs on pig day* Oh, good.
Sean: Hail Otis.
Kyla: Hail Otis indeed. *Points at the little pig peering out of Sean’s chest pocket in the picture*
Sean: AHHHH, yessss!!! You’re so great.
Kyla: *Smiles, full of pride*
Josh: That’s a really tiny Otis.
Sean: It could be Juan. Rest in peace.
Kyla: Who knows?
Josh: So, yeah. Iggy is a master at every instrument.
Kyla: Whoa.
Josh: Especially piano.
Kyla: How about the ones of mass destruction?
Josh: He doesn’t use those…yet. He has to be elected first. He’s just a mob boss… for now…
Sean: Well, while he’s running, you might want to keep the mob boss talk to a minimum.
Josh: Iggy is also half Mexican by the way. Pretty much the only reason he won’t start attacking Mexico.
Sean: What’s the other half?
Kyla: Chameleon, right?
Sean: Yeah, well he’s fully chameleon. Just one of his parents was a Mexican chameleon. Anyway, I dunno. I’m just assuming.
Josh: His American father was Russian and Italian.
Sean: So, which mafia does he run?
Josh: After killing the men who killed his family as a child, he joined the military, then became a psychiatrist, but alas, his past came back to haunt him, and he had to defeat people trying to avenge the men who he killed as a young man. Now he owns New Mexico. He deals with the cartel a lot.


Kyla: *Completely ignoring everything Josh just said*  Hey, what color is Josh’s hair right now?
Sean: Blondish.
Kyla: Thanks. *Runs out of the room.*
Josh: *Calling out to Kyla* Why did you want to know?
Nate: *Sitting next to Josh.* Mm.

*Sean is interviewing Ignatius, Al Gore, and Carl again over call, during his news show. Sarah King and Norah Bell, two small blond women wearing glasses represent Mocha.*

Sean: So, Ignatius, I’d love to hear your opinion on the current election and your fellow candidates.

Ignatius: Well, before I answer that question, I’d like to start with a moment of silence in honor of Otis Whitehouse. A great, but somewhat foolish leader. You are missed, friend.

Sean: SOMEWHAT FOOLISH!?!?!? *Breaths in dramatically* Alright, whatever you say. Moment of silence…

Carl: *Breaking the moment of silence* Do pigs have hands?


Ignatius: Yes, anyway, let’s begin. *Gestures at Al Gore who is doing a weird angry face at him* That is the face of the devil. May he be killed and raped by all the Mexicans he’d allow into our country.

Sarah: I don’t know how I feel about this…Madam Mocha would not approve…

Carl: Can I eat his hands then?
Al Gore: *Calmly* I declared candidacy in August of 2015. When did you declare yours? And who really cares about being Commander in Chief? I do. You, apparently, do not.

Ignatius: I will not let this nation crumble by you being elected. When I win, this nation will be the most powerful on the globe.

Al Gore: America has never been nor will ever be the most powerful. Stop believing this rubbish propaganda.

Carl: Let’s just eat hands together!

Ignatius: *Moving on* And this so called ‘Carl’ is throwing his hat in the ring. He claims to be born in Illinois, but the truth WILL be uncovered. I will prove that this scoundrel was not born in the USA or even Earth for that matter.

*Carl surprisingly does not respond.*

Ignatius: Another one of my competitors is this Mocha. I have said repetitively in the past, I will not stand for a mindless dog to be president and I will not stand for Mocha either.

Carl: Do paws taste like hands?

Nora: Mocha would be a great president, what are you talking about??

Ignatius: It was a burn towards Al Gore. Middle Class…Psshhh…

Sean: *Grinning evilly, knowing that his insults will be great for ratings* Well, thank you Igna-

Ignatius: *Interrupting Sean* And another thing, this is the face of our moderator. *Points at Sean’s creepy smile.* He is obviously in no right mind set to be asking any rational questions, or to give interviews. I suggest looking for a new moderator immediately.

Sean: *No longer smiling* ‘Ey, watch yourself…

Al Gore: Says the one who wants me to be ‘raped by the Mexicans’. Your typical infantile rhetoric makes this statement void.

Ignatius: One insulting truth doesn’t make another truth false, my friend. After all, this man has a history of mental illness and psychopathic behavior.

Sean: *Looks unpleased* Good day to you all. *Hangs up on all of them.*
Kyla: *Shows up at Sean’s with another painting, this one is of Josh with his earbuds in*  Yo, guess who dis be.
Sean: Uncle Josh. Or Voldemort. That’s my second guess/


Kyla: *Sarcastically*  Voldemort, you got it. He came out a lot grumpier than I meant him to.
Josh: Excuse me. Where are my raccoon eyes?
Kyla: Oh, right. *Draws dark circles under the painting of Josh’s eyes*  Okay?
Josh: *Looks a little confused for a second, then figures something out in his head* Okay. UNCLE JOSH! With the eyes of a raccoon and the scream of turkey, nothing stands in his way! Ok, bye. *Strokes Kyla’s face, then leaves.*

*Mocha is shown doing her blog thing in her home.*

Mocha: *A little more angry than usual* Hello everyone. This is what I think about Al Gore, Ignatius Noelemahc, and Carl The Martian. *Sticks out her tongue.* I am disgusted. *Breathes in angrily, but calms herself down. She smiles and begins eating out of her food bowl. Lunch time is my absolute favorite time. This is so scrumptious.

Nora: *From behind the camera.* YOU ENJOY YOUR FOOD MOCHA!!

Mocha: Much obliged, my dear. *Frowns* But yes. Iggy, Al, Carl. This frown is for you. * She glares intensely. She takes a deep breath again.* I am sorry for my negativity. I just can’t stand these foul mouthed meanies. The eyes of my faithful companions reassure me every day that our world will be great again, once I’m elected, of course. I would also like to thank everyone who came to my speech at the capital. I will make it great.

Ashland: *From behind the camera* Beautiful presentation today. I had tears in my eyes.

Sarah: *Also from behind the camera* As did I. Thank you for your never ending hard work!

Mocha: No, thank you. I appreciate all you do. Now, before we go, I want to read some letters we have received recently. This first one is from Nora Bell! Aww, lets see what my dear friend Nora sent me. “GO MOCHA!!!!” Well, thank you. I appreciate your support. The next one is from Jon Cooke. It says “You are the only real choice.” Once again, thank you to all my followers. The next one is from *Frowns* Carl the Martian. Ugh. It says “Hmmm…do paws taste like hands? We should eat hands together sometime.” Then he drew a bunch of pictures of hands and aliens. Ugh, disgusting. And finally, I have a letter from Ignatius Noelemahc. It says that he agrees that Gore and Carl are fools, and that he knew a woman named Sydney once. “Days of youth feel like a thousand years ago in recent times.” Weird… Anyway, thank you all for your time. Remember, the future could be bright my friends!

*Kyla calls Sean into the living room and points at the TV, where an animated kids show is playing. On the screen is a super hero kid in a green outfit.*
Kyla: I turned on the TV and this kid’s show was on. This guy has the powers of a gecko. *Whispers* Gecko-man.
Josh: Behold. That is freaking Gecko Man.
Sean: AGH! PLAGIARISM! THIEVERY! I mean, uh, Gecko Man wouldn’t appreciate that.
Josh: Sean. You hung up the scales. Someone was eventually going to take the name.
Sean: SHUT UP! I mean, I’m not Gecko Man, you silly goose.*Pretends to take a phone call, very obviously not talking to anyone* Gecko man just called me, and told me he was going to go hunt down the shameless rip offs of him. He wonders if Fire Hair Girl and Dancing Queen would like to join him. If you all could find out if they’re available sometime soon, Gecko man would appreciate it.
Kyla: Not that I personally know Fire Hair Girl, but I assume she would wonder what that would entail.
Sean: Gecko Man would probably respond by saying that you would have to go on some ridiculous quest full of random enemies, celebrity cameos, and complete pointlessness, similar to the one we had with PAYLO, but this time, with super heroes. He would also say that it would spice things up, as the world has gotten boring since Josh spoke with PAYLO.  Not that I would know.
Kyla: I imagine Fire Hair Girl would be down with that.
Josh: What about Lord Grummond?
Sean: We would keep an eye out for Lord Grummond, but Gecko Man probably would too, even while fighting this injustice. He can’t just sit around, waiting for lord Grummond to make a move. After all, I have lots of people keeping an eye out for him. So, Josh, do you think Dancing Queen would forgive Gecko Man and join him in the battle against plagiarism?
Josh: Yeah, sure. *Josh runs out of the room.*
Sean: I’m just going to go to the bathroom. *Leaves as well. Gecko Man enters the room.*
Josh: *Now dancing around in the room, is dancing queen. A disco ball glimmers above his head.*
Dancing Queen: *Keeps dancing and spinning records.*
Gecko Man: Oh, I see how it is. You’re still angry at me. Listen, we were becoming too powerful. We weren’t heroes anymore, we were blinded by our own abilities. I’m sorry. I had to do it.

Dancing Queen: *Continues to dance and spin records.*
Gecko Man: So, we cool, right?
Cyrus: *Walks in randomly* Sup my chigglets?
Gecko Man: Oh, Dyris. *realizes mistake* David! You’re here.
Cyrus: It’s Cyrus but… Yeah. What?
Gecko Man: What?
Cyrus: Chu need me? For anyting?
Gecko Man: Umm, if you could find Kyla, I’d appreciate it, or Fire Hair Girl. Either one will do.
Cyrus: Kay breh! *Leaves house and searches.*
Gecko Man: Yells out window* YOU SEE ANYTHING??? *Sits around on couch listening to Dancing Queen’s jams* Where is she??
Fire-Hair Girl: *Zooms in using the rocket jets on her boots* Cyrus said you wanted me?

Fire-Hair Girl: Yeah. What’s the problem? I thought we were going solo for a while?
Dancing Queen: *Doubles the volume.*


Gecko man: * Over the loud music* SO YOU KNOW DISNEY CHANNEL!?!?

Fire-Hair Girl: YEAH.

Dancing Queen: *Mutes music for a second and stops dancing* Oh hey, girl. * pets Fire Hair Girls face then turns the music back on, louder than ever.*

Fire-Hair Girl: *Torches music-playing-stand thing.*

Dancing Queen: *Keeps dancing anyways.*


Gecko Man: See. This is the problem.
Fire-Hair Girl: Are we talking plagiarism?
Gecko man: Yes.
Fire-Hair Girl: *Sigh* Is this a worthy cause for a reunion tour?
Gecko Man: Umm, yes? Why wouldn’t it be?
Fire-Hair Girl: Fine. I’m in. We gotta put an end to this.
Gecko Man: Also, is anyone else getting the creeping suspicion that he isn’t Dancing Queen. He’s being awfully suspicious…
Fire-Hair Girl: By ‘anyone else’ do you mean me, because yeah, he’s acting pretty sketchy.
Gecko Man: He’s barely spoken a word since he showed up. Last time we were together, he wouldn’t shut up.

Fire-Hair Girl: I’d like to say he’s learned his lesson, but I’m not an optimistic person.
Dancing Queen: *Again pets Fire Hair Girl’s face and then Gecko-Man’s* EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A CAT!!! *They both suddenly turn into cats* Hm. Well, this is awkward. You’re like all cat like, and I’m all humanish. Hm.
*Gecko Man and Fire-Hair Girl quickly return to their usual form, as the music has stopped.*
Dancing Queen: Well, anyways. Yeah, let’s go kill some bad guys.
Gecko Man: Dancing Queen, How many times do we have to go over this? We have a pledge not to kill anyone. That’s that weird vigilante’s job. Also, this is a simple matter of plagiarism, I don’t see why we’d kill anyone.

Dancing Queen: *Throws them into the dance mobile, then just randomly turns around and points to the symbol on his back, which is a pink shield that says ‘Dancing Queen’ on it.*
Fire-Hair Girl: Let’s go stop a kids show.
Gecko Man: Oh. In that case…do you even know where we’re going DQ?
Dancing Queen: I can show you the world! *Suddenly a soccer ball sized Earth floats in front of them.* So, where on Earth are they?
Gecko-man: That’s the thing. I don’t know.
Dancing Queen: You never know. They could be in quosepia or somewhere.
Fire-Hair Girl: How do we want to hit this though? Like, sneaky or a more direct approach?
Gecko Man: I DON’T KNOW! I DIDN’T REALLY PLAN THIS FAR! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU’RE STRESSING ME OUT! *Turns on the radio in the car to calm himself down.*
Radio News Host: WASHINGTON—Still overcome with shock and terror as they described the horrifying scene that had unfolded before them, numerous eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that, after being accidentally exposed to an experimental job-growth chemical, Barack Obama has grotesquely mutated into a 20-foot-tall monster president.

According to federal officials, the grisly metamorphosis took place during a tour of the Labor Department’s underground research and development lab, where a sudden pressure overload caused a vat to rupture, soaking Obama in a highly unstable serum designed to expand the nation’s workforce. Sources said the president then underwent rapid, out-of-control growth, leaving him several times larger and uncontrollably aggressive.
Fire-Hair Girl: We gotta take this, guys.
Gecko Man: But plagiarism???
Fire-Hair Girl: We’ll take care of that. But right now, these people need our help.
Gecko Man: Ugh, fine! DQ, Get us to DC.

*A couple hours later, in D.C., twenty foot tall Barack Obama, complete with ripped up clothes, and rippling muscles, is rampaging down the reflection pool in front of the Lincoln memorial, throwing cars and people left and right.*
Gecko Man: Oh Gosh, he’s destroying everything!
Fire-Hair Girl: How do we want to approach this? Attempt to save the president or just take him down? I mean. He’s almost out of office anyway.

Gecko-Man: Well, yeah, but he’s a human too, I feel like there has got to be an antidote. I wonder who- OH, CRAP HE’S COMING THIS WAY!
Fire-Hair Girl: WHERE’S DQ?!
Dancing Queen: *Obama’s about to crush the car that he’s holding.* LET IT GO!!! LET IT GOOOO!!! *Let it go begins to blast from the car radio. *Dancing Queen’s Dance Mobile also has the magic boom box.*
Dancing Queen: *Begins to dance, sending energy flying everywhere* Obama! Come here, ya big idiot!!!

Gecko Man: Wow, that serum stopped you from saying ‘um’ all the time. Cool.
Dancing Queen: *Dancing queen snaps fingers, and suddenly the star spangled banner starts playing* DOES THAT HURT?!?!

*Gecko Man leaps forward and grabs onto Obama’s leg, sticking there.*
Gecko Man: Guys! Do something, I’m stuck!
Dancing Queen: Oh, come on!
Dancing Queen: Let it go!! Let it gooooo!!
*Obama drops another car.*

Dancing Queen: Under the sea!!!! Under the sea!!!

*Suddenly an enormous amount of water comes out of nowhere, falling on Obama. Water floods everywhere, nearly killing everyone.
Gecko Man: *From Underwater* DIFFERENT SONG!!!
Dancing Queen: Just keep swimming!! Just keep swimming swimming swimming!!! *Suddenly a huge amount of fish come and start swimming against Sean.*
Dancing Queen: IT’S STILL A SONG!

Gecko Man: Yeah, that doesn’t make you god!
Dancing Queen: I said God of music.
Dancing Queen: Burn baby, burn!!!!
Gecko Man: NO, I’M STILL ON HIM!
Dancing Queen: Burn baby, burn!!!
*Obama and Gecko Man burst into flames.*
Dancing Queen: Fire hair-girl!! Help me burn him!!!
Obama and Gecko Man: AGHHGHGHGHGHAGAHGH!!!
Dancing Queen: Under the sea!! Under the sea!!!
*Water floods in yet again.*
Gecko Man: *Sputtering* FOR THE LOVE OF GARY, STOP!
Dancing Queen: *Swims over to Gecko Man and grabs him.* AND WITHOUT YOU, IS HOW I DISAPPEAR!!!  Dancing Queen vanishes in a puff of smoke, but Gecko-man stays. Dancing Queen teleports back.* WHAT THE HECK!?!
*Gecko man finally unsticks himself and faces Obama.*



Dancing Queen: You’re just saying that because he’s a straight, white, Christian, conservative!!
Gecko Man: To be fair, I’m not quite conservative, but yeah, that basic idea!
Obama: AGH! WHAT IS um THIS!?!? *Obama starts shrinking and moaning in agony. The serum has worn off.*

*Al Gore is seen doing his blog thing back stage somewhere.*

Al Gore: I’m currently holding town hall meetings in Guam. Guamians for Gore!

Mocha: *Calling along with Ignatius over facetime.* I wouldn’t give away your meeting place Mr. Gore…. This just shows dogs are smarter.

Al Gore: Mocha, how many town meetings have you held. *she doesn’t respond*

Ignatius: OOOH. B-B-B-Burn! *Ignatius and Mocha hang up.*

Al Gore: Anyway, my ‘Island Hopping Campaign* is working so far. Guam is almost down, then I have four to go. Northern Mariana, American Samoa, Wake Island, and Hawaii. Hope to see you all at the ballots! Gore out!
*A couple days later, a now normal sized Obama is being cared for in the white house infirmary, groaning about job losses. The three heroes realize that they must focus on the plagiarism at hand.*
Dancing Queen: Alright well. I’m gonna go hunt down the fake gecko man alone. Bye!

Fire-Hair Girl: Yeah, we don’t work together as well as we used to. See ya.
*Gecko Man stands on a roof top overlooking the city, looking like a wannabe Batman.*

Gecko-Man: Then we’ll have to work alone.
*End Scene.*


CONVO Season 3 Episode 14 It’s Love Sean, Deal With It

Season 3
Episode 14
It’s Love Sean, Deal With It

*An ad for Al Gore for president 2016 plays. Al Gore appears on the screen, he seems to be doing some sort of blog.*

Al Gore: Hello everyone! I hope you all are having a good day reducing your carbon footprints! I have great news! I have just received an endorsement from the glorious Kim Jong-Un.

*The camera cuts to Kim Jong-un waving to a large crowd, before taking off his trench coat to reveal an Al Gore 2016 t-shirt. Everyone cheers. The camera goes back to Gore.*

Al Gore: This is the highest profile endorsement we have received since I announced my campaign 16 years ago. I’m so glad to have him on board. Now we have many loyal North Korean Gore supporters campaigning for us.

*The camera shows a Korean woman holding a sign that says “Al Gore President 2008” under a sign that says “Run Al Run Gore2008”. Clearly the signs are a little outdated.*

Al Gore: Keep up the good work! Here is some recent news relating to the state of our great planet. Here’s some ice melting.

*Shot of ice melting on a table*

Al Gore: This is further proof that global warming exists. Also, check out these temperatures over a three day period.

*A chart with temperatures and dates are shown. Over the course of February 19-21, the temperatures go from 53-66-71.*

Al Gore: And global warming doesn’t exist? *Scoffs* Speaking of which: remember kids, polluting is bad for the environment…and Mr. Gore. Now time for ‘Electric Fan Talks’. This is the part of the show where I respond to some fan mail I receive. First up is from ‘The Ancap Girl A.K.A. Hitler’, who says “This is retarded. Is this satire?? Ah, never mind, this is satire. Good work.” What is satire, Ancap Girl? Hmm… anyway, next up is from Maeve Aitkin who says “That’s me.” She sent a picture of me with it. Umm, actually, that’s me, Ms. Aitkin. Identity theft is a crime. This last one is from Ray Dukes. He says: “You’re a &^%!.” That’s what your mom said to Al Gore last night! HA! *Al Gore looks pleased, as if this was genius.* Before I go, I want to respond to a common misconception that my plans would cause an energy crisis. I want those people to know that such things are false. *Gore stands up and adjusts the camera, so that the audience gets a good look at what he’s about to do.* Alas, I manifest light! *Al Gore screams and a floating ball of light appears and floats between his hands. Al Gore suddenly disappears.*

*The opening credits come on in the style of a news show. Josh is seen sunburned and a little loopy on a plane. Sean is sitting next to him.*
Josh: *Really high sounding* I hate it when you go outside and someone randomly throws a fridge at you.


Sean: *Playing along* Life.
Josh: Man. Life and stuff. MmM.
Sean: *Sort of freaked out* Dude. SO true.


Josh: I mean I be like…*does an impression of Burt’s ‘argh’*.


Sean: Ugh, I know. And women? Pew…


Josh: *Fascinated my Sean’s ‘pew’* Peeeww. Pew pew. Pew.


Sean: *Angrily* PEW. PEW. PEWW…






Josh: LIKE YOU JUST BE LIKE *does an impression of Carl saying ‘chill’* Well anyways, I be goin bruh, watch about dem women.


Sean: UGH!! THEY BE STREESSSINNNSS ME OUT!! Dude. Watch yo back too, breh *Manly chest bump thing.*


Josh: *Peace sign kiss thing. Falls asleep on Sean’s shoulder.*

*A new news program comes on called ‘PSB News’. It seems to be run by Sean.*

Announcer: And now, for the news with your host, PAUL SEAN BOFADIL CONDON!

Sean: *Is wearing a suit and sitting in a spinny chair behind a large desk.* Hello and welcome everybody! We have a lot of big news here today to go through, so let’s just jump right into it. Al Gore has won the North Korean primary with 120% of the vote. *In the background, a picture of Kim Jong-un voting is projected* This is a huge win for Gore, and will definitely boost his campaign. Gore has also revealed his new campaign bus, which he calls ‘the Gore-mobile’. *A picture of a bus painted and structured to look like a pig shows up in the background.* This bus uses up significantly less gas as other vehicles by running only on snow. We believe he is using this bus to appeal to pig voters as well. He has recently stated that persons with absurd carbon footprints will be sent to a labor camp known as Millbrook High School if he becomes president. This is a pretty big claim, and we are not sure whether this will hurt or help his campaign, although after releasing this big claim, he received endorsements from multiple detainees at gitmo. We’re not exactly sure what this means. In other news, Gore is beginning to face competition in Madam Mocha Kolbe, a popular new candidate for the Republican Party. *A picture of a rather adorable dog appears on the screen behind him.* She is climbing the polls rapidly and may slow down Gore. We now have Gore on the line to discuss this with him. Hello Mr. Vice President, how are you today?
Al Gore:*On the phone* I’m doing fine, thank you.

Sean: So, let’s get to it, what’s your opinion on Mocha Kolbe?

Al Gore: Well, this potential nominee should be void, as the name did not appear in the North Korean primary.

Sean: Sorry Mr. Vice President, it clearly states in section IV, article XI of The Rules of the Primary, that a candidate may run even if they miss the North Korean primary, as long as they can make it of the South Korean one.

Al Gore: *Moving on* Has this hopeful ever consistently polled higher than Chafee? Gore has.

Sean: True, but Mocha is making her way up through the Republican polls and is a favorite of canine voters. *Al Gore hangs up* Mr. Vice President? Hello? Umm, helloooo?? Okee dokee then, it seems Mr. Gore has hung up in a hissy fit. Remember, if you desire to run, please announce your candidacy, it seems anyone can run this time around, so I hope to see you at the debates. One last story before we go. I have been turned down yet again by Alexis Baird. After begging for a good two hours straight, Alexis still said no to being my wife again. Lexis, I will ask again…please. *Starts sobbing* PLEASE! PLEEEAAAASEEE!!! I’LL DO ANYTHING!!!!!!*The camera goes black as the news organization clearly did not plan this.*

*Cyrus and Julie seem to be hanging out in Sean’s basement.*
Cyrus: Sup?


Julie: *Doesn’t answer. Crickets can be heard.*


Cyrus: All the time… You guys are super lame! Like for reals! We’re supposed to be best friends…

Sean: *Running downstairs* JULIE!!!


Julie: Hallo.



Cyrus: *Sits there awkwardly.*


Julie: I clearly missed something…


Cyrus: Yeah. Me too.

Sean: Here’s the deal: I need to settle down, find a wife, considering I have three kids and I’m on my own, and frankly you seemed like the best choice, also, I need a ninth wife. Because ninth time’s the charm, amirite? Anyway, umm, yeah.


Cyrus: You’re an idiot.


Julie: What even? I still think I missed something
Sean: Also, that kidnapping experience opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Julie: To what? I’m freaking confused.

Cyrus: Just say no. He’ll bounce back.


Julie: *To Sean* Um, no, I’m cool, thanks.


Cyrus: OOOOHHHHHHHH Dang! Rejected!



Cyrus: Pshhh, nah. Over it. And it’s Cyrus, not David.



Julie: *Extremely confused* Wattttttttt???

Sean: Alright, so that’s a no to marrying me? You wouldn’t have to do anything, just you know, be married to me. Also, if it makes you feel any better, most of my previous 8 wives divorced me, so don’t feel like I’ll like quit on you


Cyrus: So, you’re saying you have the power to say whether she “has to do anything”. You wanna own her? Rude.



Sean: David, nice try.


Cyrus: Cyrus.
Sean: I’m saying she shouldn’t feel obliged to do anything. Also, I’ll kidnap you whenever you want!!

Cyrus: Swell! She’s in. *Sarcasm.*


Julie: I feel like that’s the only upside though. Even that’s not that much of an upside. *She laughs.*
Sean: No, there’s other upsides, just name it.


Cyrus: Not having to marry you? Sorry, I meant not having to marry you?


Julie: Ooooohh shoot!

Sean: David! I don’t ruin your romantic gestures. Stop talking, I’m asking Julie, not you. I know you’re angry you can’t be with me, but, you’re GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
Cyrus: Hey Jules.


Julie: Wattttt?


Cyrus: Will you marry me?


Julie:….Yes! Of course!


Cyrus: Sweet! Later Sean. We gotta go plan our wedding. *Cyrus smiles meanly as Julie and him walk upstairs, but Sean follows behind them. For some reason, Kyla is hanging out in the other room.*

Sean: Yeah, so I saw that coming…this is the worst… I can now say I’m a match maker though, which is pretty sweet.

Cyrus: You wanna be my best man?

Sean: Oh, but Best men are supposed to be friends of the groom.

Cyrus: Ooooohhh shoot! Okay then. I’ll ask Drax the Destroyer.

Sean: I’m still coming though, I love weddings


Julie: No beaches. Beaches suck.

Cyrus: Yeah. Agreed Babe.



Julie: Twenty One Pilots is gonna play at the reception.


Cyrus: SAME! And you can punch me in the face when Tear in my Heart is playing. It’ll be sweet. *Laughs*


Cyrus: What kind of cake?

Julie: Ohhhhh, chocolate. Probably. Unless we can get cookie dough cake.

Sean: I’d suggest angel and devil swirled together to symbolize your two personalities.

Julie: Wait who is the angel? *Laughs*

Sean: Certainly not David right now…
Cyrus: Anyways, agreed. You are the angel, Julie.


Julie: *Julie starts cracking up* Umm, nope. No, but should the bridesmaids be lavender or mint. I can’t decide.


Cyrus: Totes mint.

Sean: How about white like David’s dumb face?


Julie: I’m going to be wearing white, jerk. *Laughs*


Cyrus: How about the cake just be a joke? Like Sean.


Sean: *Trying to think of something clever* How about you wear a nose wig, like your butt? Or a fat suit to make yo mama proud.



Cyrus: Sense made. *Looks back at Julie* Honeymoon?


Julie: Ohh, somewhere in Europe


Cyrus: Italy. more maybe. but Italy


Sean: *Looks distressed that they may got to Italy.*


Cyrus: Pasta. Art museums. Other cool stuff.


Julie: France. Italy. Prague, that’s in the Czech Republic by the way..


Cyrus: Yaass…
Sean: *Very depressed* I know a nice honeymoon hotel in Venice…


Cyrus: What, do you have bombs rigged there or something?


Julie: Probably.

Sean: No, I actually don’t. I went there with Lexis the first time I got married to her

Cyrus: Sean, that’s exactly something someone who is mad at their (former apparently) friend, and is using bad insults, and has just suggested a hotel in Venice that has explosives rigged in it, would say.


Julie: *Moving on* Is the ceremony inside or outside?


Cyrus: What do you want hun?


Julie: Outside, to be honest. Because of Baylee, I get a ton of ideas on pinterest and I’m slowly getting more basic, halp!

Cyrus: Outside is great then. If not the beach, where though?
Sean: *Interrupting Julie* Well, it’s pretty basic to turn down the marriage request of the smart, skinny, sad guy, and instead marry the big, strong, jerk.


Cyrus: More like fat, loud, failure. Right… It’s love Sean, get over it.


Sean: I’m not fat, loud, or a failure. Well, maybe I am a failure. Turned down twice in one day.


Cyrus: I was talking about me. I’m not one for pointless insults. Wow. So, she was your rebound anyway?


Sean: David, such things are not true (maybe the loud part) but not the rest. I would never say actual insults to you BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIEND!! AND FRIENDS DON’T KRAMP OTHER FRIEND’S STYLE!!


Julie: Ooooohhhh shoot!


Cyrus: If you’re my friend, why did you turn down being my best man? You said it was because you were supposed to be my friend to do that, so you’re just contradicting yourself.


Sean: Because you don’t seem to want to be my friend, krampin/ my style after all.


Cyrus:  I do want to be your friend!

Sean: No, I’m making a point. Friends don’t betray each other.


Julie: Guys, come on.


Cyrus: Hm?


Julie: Just make up already, I need to pick a venue. *Laughs*


Cyrus: Love you, Sean. Me and Jules are in love. You can either deal with it or not, but its not gonna change so… I’m sorry but… either forgive me and accept it or leave.


Julie: Please, Sean? If not for him, for me?

Sean: *Quietly, with voice slightly cracking* It was never for you…or David….or even Lexis for that matter. It WAS ABOUT MY FAMILY!! ABOUT MY CHILDREN!!!


Julie: Sean, there’s someone out there for you. You just have to wait for it. Cyrus and I are lucky we met each other so young.


Cyrus: *Nonchalantly* Well, we can adopt a couple of ‘em if you want.


Sean: Well, you see, the girl I’m in love with is not allowed to marry me. And she loves me. But it can’t happen.


Julie: Why?

Sean: Because her parents be like “rah rah rah rah rah”.


Cyrus: What?

Sean: She and I once were married, our kids loved each other, we were happy. We had our ups and downs of course, but we were happy. And then it ended…just like that…over…


Cyrus: She was also my future wife but… that’s clearly off now, because no polygamy here.

Sean: I’ve been married 7 times since then, trying to fill the void that only she can fill, but now I’m realizing she’s in the other room right now and can hear me and I’m really uncomfortable now and embarrassed so I should probably just stop talking because I look like an idiot.


Julie: *Julie starts cracking up*


Cyrus: *Ignoring Sean* We still have more to plan, Jules.


Julie: You don’t even know, I’m on pinterest right now, like there’s so much to doooooo. When is the wedding?


Cyrus: What season we thinkin’?


Julie: Anytime in fall. Early, late, Halloween.


Cyrus: I was thinking the same thing!


Julie: Oh my Gosh, a Halloween wedding would be fricking cool,
like, I don’t want it, but still…


Cyrus: It’s not hot anymore and it’s pretty.


Julie: And no allergies!

Cyrus:  True! Don’t have to worry about that.

Sean: Oh, my birthday is in October.


Cyrus: Sean. Not everything is about you.


Julie: Kay, then I can get away with a dress with sleeves if I feel like it.


Cyrus: What?


Julie: Fall.


Cyrus: No, but was it a question?


Julie: I’m confused.


Cyrus: Was “I can get away with a dress with sleeves if I feel like it” a question?


Julie: Okay, ah, Freudian slips will be the death of me. No, I was saying it. Like sleeves are an option now.


Cyrus: Yeah, totally.


Julie: Babe, I’m totally stressing out! What else do we need to do!?! Wait did you even ask my parents?!?


Cyrus: No? Would you like me to do that now?


Julie: That would probably be a good idea.


Sean: Wow, look at all that stress, isn’t it great that ya’ll could still call it off…


Cyrus: Sean. It’s love. Get over it.


Kyla: *Entering the room* I feel slightly betrayed.


Sean: Kyla! Did you ummm maybe….uhh…..hear everything that was just said?


Cyrus: *Gives Kyla a long hug* I’m sorry, but… you’re not mad are you?


Kyla: Whatever. So typical of the white man.


Cyrus: Glad you understand.


Julie: Hey, you wanna be a bridesmaid?


Kyla: *Angrily* Do I want to be a bridesmaid at the wedding of my would-be future husband and his lady? *Suddenly not angry* Yeah, sure. Never been a bridesmaid before. *Walks out the door.*


Cyrus: Sweet! Won’t be awkward at all.


Sean: We should totally crash his wedding Kyla. Aaaand crap, I asked that out loud…

Cyrus: Wow Smooth.


Julie: Is it crashing if you’re invited?


Sean: It is if I move everything onto a giant truck and drive it OFF A BRIDGE!!!!!


Cyrus: Wow. Somebody is Smuckers.


Julie: Yo, you can’t just steal that from me. *Laughs*


Cyrus: Do you say that?


Julie: *Rolls her eyes*


Cyrus: What?


Sean: Uh oh…looks like a fight! And before your marriage too… Luckily, you still have time!


Cyrus: No. That was a playful eyeroll.


Julie: So much hate. You dismiss our love so quickly.


Cyrus: Yeah. Not a fight. Playfulness. So, get over it, Sean.


Sean: Aaaaaaannnddd you suck.


Cyrus: *does impression of Gus from Psych* Suck it Sean.



Cyrus: But yeah. So Sean you is Jealous.


Sean: I just wish Kyla and I could be together.


Cyrus: *Starts singing* “Used to play pretend…” But you can’t anymore. Do you “wish we could turn back time”?


Sean: No, I don’t have the strength to lose her again


Cyrus: *Sarcastically* Poor baby. That was rude. I’m deeply sorry. Forgive me. Or ignore me. Love you too.

*Sean runs outside.*

Sean: *Runs up to Josh and Kyla at a bar* Kyla! Josh! Anyone! I need a shoulder to cry on and speak of my woe to!


Kyla: Yo.


Sean: Kyla, do you love me???


Kyla: Duh.


Sean: And we’d still be married if we could?


Kyla: ‘Course.


Sean: Alright, good. I needed a little confidence boost today


Kyla: *Blows kiss*


Sean: Your opinion is one of the few that matters to me. Oh, how I wish I could just go on a grand adventure to talk to your parents about marrying you, and meet new friends, and eventually achieve my goal by just believing in the goodness of my friends, but alas, your parents aren’t PAYLO. They’re your parents.


Kyla: Yeah. *Looks sad*


Sean: You’d say yes if I did that, right?


Josh: What if you asked PAYLO to make her parents both 15 years old.


Sean: That might actu- wait, no, that wouldn’t work. *Sadly* Goodnight, I’m going to drink a lot of lemonade, gat really depressed, watch an entire season of Portlandia, and fall asleep on a couch. *Leaves.*

*Another presidential candidate blog video comes on, this time for Madam Mocha Kolbe, the talking dog running for Republican nominee. She’s sitting on a couch, looking adorably at the camera.*
Mocha: Hello my friends, it’s me, Madam Mocha. Today was a special day. I am happy to announce that Sarah King has been welcomed onto Team Mocha as our Media Specialist. Welcome aboard, my friend. Why don’t you come out in front of the camera and say hi.

Sarah: *A small, blond woman with glasses peeks in for a second.* It’s a great honor, Madam Mocha. I’m excited for our great future working together. *Jumps back behind the camera again.*


Mocha: Sarah, we do have a great future ahead of us. And we shall be a great team, with your help. I also would like to send my thanks out to my faithful bodyguard, Sydney. She’s not just a protector, but a dear friend. *Another dog peeks in and says hello. Mocha looks out the window dramatically for a moment* Sometimes I just sit here and think about the possibility of a great future. *Awaking herself from her reverie* Anyway! I took a private tour of Donald Trump’s jet today. Hope to get my own soon. I can’t wait to visit all my supporters. In other news, today, my campaign advisors, Ashland and Kevin Kolbe gave me a luxury bath. I feel like a new dog. I am now ready for my visit to Australia next week! I hope to see all my faithful supporters there. I love you all! Remember, the future could be bright my friends! *The vlog ends*

*Josh, Sean, and Nate are having a sleepover and called Lexis on the phone. While Sean is in the bathroom, Jasper snuck in and is asking questions on the phone as well as to Nate and Josh.*


Jasper: 1. Is Lexi 21 years old? 2. Who IS Lexi? 3. Who Is Namoo?




Alexis: *Over the phone* No, I’m 17.


Nate: Hush hush. *Hides in his closet.*
Jasper: Hm it says you were born in 1995 on your profile here… No matter, I am Jasper the Terrible, if you didn’t know. I have no idea who you are.


Alexis: That’s intimidating.


Jasper: Sean. Not me. Sean has no social skills. I’m surprised I was even his friend.


Alexis: How do you know him?


Jasper: He comes up to me at a  party and says: ” Hey Jasper! You can be our new Jasper!”  I’m completely confused as he walks me around and introduces me as Jasper to everyone, and then I leave and don’t see him or his group again until this camping trip where by a chance meeting we eventually find out that he called me Jasper and it just stuck. But then we became arch enemies, but that’s a long story. I don’t know.


Alexis: Sounds like him, haha, you mean the camping trip last year?


Nate: Mm.


Jasper: No, 2 years ago, I think.


Josh: Mm.

*Sean returns to find Jasper in the room.*


Sean: Oh. *Shoots Jasper with a tranquilizer dart before Jasper can shoot him.*

Alexis: Oh, because I went last year and don’t remember you. *Jasper obviously doesn’t respond, as he is out cold on the floor.*

*Everyone sits around awkwardly. A few days later, Kyla and Sean stand over Josh’s comatose body inside of a pristine underground military base.*


Sean: Josh, wake up. Josh, wake up! Kyla, he won’t wake up.


Kyla: *Kyla is crying.*


Sean: Do you think poking on his face more will work? *Pokes face.*


Kyla: A lil more.


Sean: *Pokes face swiftly.*


Kyla: Hm. Some water, like in cartoons?


Sean: This is stressful. What do we do? He hasn’t opened his eyes since he fell asleep at

Nate’s the other night.


Kyla: Hm. Was he.. ya know.. *whispers* drugged?


Sean: I dunno, I didn’t see any while I was there, and if there were, I’m disappointed in them for not offering me any. Sure, I would’ve just taken them and thrown them away, but still, I’m their friend.


Kyla: Maybe not. Friends offer friends drugs.


Sean: This is a true fact. Or have interventions, but considering I’m in the minority here, it would be more of the offering drugs thing.

*Kyla leaves after waiting a little while more.*


Josh: *Grabs Sean’s neck, then throws up a gallon of orange foam in his face.*


Sean: WOAH!


Josh: That hurt!


Sean: It smells like peppers..


Josh: *At the same time as Sean* Smells like pepper…


Sean: *Realizing what’s going on* HEY! Josh is awake! I’m only going to ask this once, was it drubz? KYLA! JOSH WOKE UP! WHERE’S YOU GO KYLA?


Josh: *wipes foam from mouth* What was that?


Sean: I dunno. That’s why I was asking you.


Josh: Woah, heh. Kyla was here?? How could you do that to me? Also you better not let David near her.


Sean: Well, you had to see her again eventually, you couldn’t just avoid her. And David and her talked the other day. Apparently Kyla’s going to be a bridesmaid at his wedding.


Josh: His wedding? Who’s he marrying?


Sean: I thought I told you, Julie. Or did you forget that because of lord knows what was in your system.


Josh: Oh hah. As in the Julie that denied you?

Sean: Yes. I don’t want to talk about it.

Josh:  But anyways where are we?


Sean: Oh, we’re inside Lost Hills Military Base. The Brotherhood of Steel were letting me chill out here until you got better, we were going to investigate Los Angeles some more so that we could find Grummond.


Josh: What happened? All I remember is that I was riding on a motorcycle in the desert.


Sean: You don’t remember anything? Nothing at all?


Josh: No I was just riding in the cool air… Next thing I know I’m throwing up orange foam.


Sean: Well, you got back, after like a day. We decided to go back to Raliegh to meet up with our allies again, and we discussed, but we didn’t really learn anything, than we went about living our normal lives, I got turned down twice in a day, the Fernando squad met up and fought a few spies we thought were working for Grummond, didn’t learn anything, then we called Kinsley and Lexis, who were basically useless, then you got a new sword and fought a murderer, committer of the fancy crime, and then you passed out on Nate’s bed. I got some info that Grummmond was sighted here, so I brought you, trying to wake you up, as well as a few other people, but they’re currently in Los Angeles, investigating. Kyla came as soon as she heard you were unconscious. She seems to care about you. But she keeps asking about the details of your condition for some reason. You passed out early yesterday morning.


Josh: Well obviously more than alcohol. I coughed up that orange stuff.


Sean: Yeah, you didn’t drink anything that night. At least that I saw.




Sean: What? When?


Josh: Hmm. I don’t know. Maybe the ice cream? Don’t know. Wait, where did you find me? Exactly where did you see me after we escaped?


Sean: From the Raiders?


Josh: Yeah.


Sean: Well, you were ridiculously sunburned, and dehydrated and you were practically dragging yourself into Shady Sands because your motorcycle ran out of gas.


Josh: Where’s my duffle bag?


Sean: Disappeared.


Josh: *Grabs Sean’s neck* WHAT?!?!


Sean: I dunno, you were crying about it when you came into town, and made me waste my time looking all over the desert for it.


Josh: GAH! I need to go to my house for replacements. Are we in NC?


Sean: No, California. Like I said, we’re investigating Los Angeles.


Josh: Where is everyone?


Sean: Kyla is wandering around the base I guess. LF, Batman, and Nate are in LA. David is back in NC planning the wedding. Gary is looking for Tim.


Josh: What about Burt? And Gary?


Sean: Burt is with Gary. Looking for Tim. No idea where they are.


Josh: Something happened to me in the desert. It made me cough up orange foam.


Sean: That was a week ago though. Maybe it was the ice cream?


Josh: Maybe it takes time to take effect.


Sean: I dunno. Like I said, Kyla seemed very interested in your condition.


Josh: Hm. Where is Kyla?


Sean: Like I said, probably wandering the base. She was here just before you woke up.


Josh: Let’s go find her. Maybe she has a theory about what happened in the desert.

*End scene*


Can Terrorism Be Justified?

(This was a speech I wrote for speech and debate in my Freshman year of high school. This was for a debate about whether or not terrorism could ever be justified. I decided to argue for the underdog side and say it could be justified.)

The 9/11 terrorist attacks. Arguably the most disturbing, painful, and terrifying moment in modern US history. Almost three thousand dead, with countless injured. 2, 977 of those were American civilians and rescue workers. Clearly, these horrible acts cannot be justified, but is this, the only form of terrorism there is. Looking at the terrorist acts on 9/11, it can be easy to say terrorism is evil. And this is somewhat true. The 9/11 attacks were evil. But it is too much of a stretch to say that all terrorism is evil. That is why I’m negating the resolution saying “Terrorism can never be justified.”

My first contention is that terrorism is much broader than just what we think automatically. The definition according to the oxford dictionary for terrorism is the unofficial or unauthorized use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims. The Merriam Webster dictionary claims that it is the use of violent acts to frighten the people in an area as a way of trying to achieve a political goal. It’s interesting that the main thing that makes it terrorism according to the oxford dictionary, is that it is an unofficial act. It turns out that the last time America officially declared war on another country was during World War Two. In a way, one could consider the entirety of the cold war as a series of terrorist acts by the Russians and the Americans, as we unofficially used violence in foreign countries to stop the spread of the enemies influence. The nuclear arms race was also a form of intimidation to try and ‘terrorize’ our enemy. there was a certain group of people who were protesting for their cause, and were leading to disturbance of the peace, would it be unjust to have the police force them into backing down by fighting back?

My second contention is that terrorism is relative. One could be considered a patriot to some, and also be considered a murderer by others. Take the American Revolution for example. The Boston tea party was essentially economic terrorism. By destroying thousands of pounds worth of an essential trading good, these extremists were sending a political message to England, attempting to scare them to the point of taxing them less. Also take the battle at Lexington and Concord. This was an unofficial attack by rebels on the people who controlled the Thirteen Colonies. Hundreds of British Loyalists were killed in the course of the war by these rebels, with a clear message to the British. To get off of our land. If we deny that this was justified than you might as well say that England was in the right, and America was in the wrong. Yet, we still don’t usually consider these acts of terrorism. Why? Because what American wants to say that their country was built off of terrorism. Look to any terrorist group in the world, whether they are considered one or not, and see if they believe their cause is justified.

My last contention is that the government shouldn’t be allowed to tell us what is just and what is not. Justness regards morality. A Christians, we should have an idea of what is just according to God. Some people say justness is determined by nature. Others say there is no such thing as just or unjust, or right and wrong.  But when we get our idea of what is just or unjust from whatever is the law of the land or what is official, we become robots, and can easily be told what to do by the government. The government is made up of flawed people like you or I, who have their own ideas of what is just or unjust. Terrorism apparently is unofficial acts of violence used to intimidate, and according to the affirmatives argument, terrorism can never be justified. The big question is, who decides that what’s terrorism? The so called official people. What gives them the right to have an act of violence, and those who oppose them not be able to.

Terrorism is a lot more complicated than some would think, and much, much broader. The argument comes down to the relativity of both terrorism and justness, making us have to ask not if terrorism is justified, but rather what is terrorism.  It is much too broad of a term to be considered always evil, and therefore there may be justified freedom-fighters, or protestors, or whatever word you would like to replace terrorist with.

CONVO Season 3 Episode 13 The Khans

Season 3
Episode 13
The Khans

*Josh, David, and Carl wake up tied to chairs and stripped of all weapons and ammunition. A whimpering can be heard behind them.*
Josh: Hello?
Carl: Hi.
Josh: Not you Carl.
Voice: *through tears* Josh? Is that you?
Josh: Hello? Who is it?
Voice: It’s Sean.
Josh: Sean??


Sean: Yeah.

Josh: Where’s LF and Nate?
Sean: LF is in France right now, and Nate is in England.

Josh: Why?

Sean: They were looking for evidence about Lord Grummond. At least, thats last I checked. People move without CONSULTING ME!! *Sobs.*
Josh: Pull yourself together! You’ve been through worse.
Sean: NAMOO LEFT TODAY!! *After sobbing for a bit, he calms himself down* What are you guys doing here?

Josh: Your guy Seth sent us.
Sean: Yeah, he sent you to the scorpion caves, not here.
Josh: Wait, where are we??
Sean: We’re inside the base of the Khans, a gang of raiders that go around raping and pillaging small towns and stuff in the area before the police can show up. They’re a pretty powerful criminal group here, but I thought I had power over them. Seems that’s not the case, can’t trust anyone. *Cries melodramatically.*
*Josh looks at his bindings. He, Carl, and David are all wearing hand cuffs AND tied to chairs.*
Carl: I think I have lock pick.
Sean: It’s no use. They have a locked door with guards outside.
Carl: Better than nothing. You are good fighters. Maybe even law male man *Points at David.*
Sean: *Sobs*
Carl: *Carl vomits up a lock pick and a pocket knife. Carl throws his chair onto his vomit and picks up his stuff. He unlocks his handcuffs.* My hands have no metal circles anymore.
Sean: What’s the point Carl?
Carl: Skinny male man is much more like skinny female man.
Sean: THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!!! *Cries for a little while longer, and then gets himself back together* Okay, if you guys really want to get out, I guess I can tell you what you need to know about the Khans, but I don’t see the point in trying to escape myself.
*Carl frees Josh and David. David is still unconscious.*
Josh: Since you’re not coming should David stay? Cuz he’s unconscious…
Sean: Yeah, I guess eventually I’ll break out, just don’t look at me.
Josh: Why? Are you shirtless?


Sean: I- well, they stripped me. I’m naked.
Josh: Oh man, THATS WHY YOURE CRYING!! Ooohhh, ok ok ok. That makes sense now.
*Of course, Sean isn’t naked, he’s just in an undershirt and boxers.*
Carl: Here tall male man. *Hands Josh a wooden pocket knife.*
Sean: Where’d you get that?
Josh: Carl threw it up.
Sean: Weirdo. Alright, grab a weapon as soon as you get the chance. The Khans are really good in melee, they fancy themselves the Mongols, what with their raiding and kidnapping and whatnot. Like, a gun.

Josh: Well there’s no guns in the room. We’ll have to take them from the guards
Sean: They probably have a few pistols, but they mainly use spears.
Josh: I wish Burt were here. He’d probably have a few guns in him somewhere.
Sean: Oh well, Burt can’t always be here to save us. You can’t trust anyone for that…
Josh: Ok. Well, let’s go Carl.


*Action movie music plays, with a hint of a Mongolian style as the credits play.*
*Outside of the rusty door to the cell is a rundown hallway to what look like an old ranch house or possibly a crappy prison. Josh and Carl walk through the hallway. One dirty, strong looking man stands stoutly in the hall, leaning against a spear that looks more like a harpoon.*

Josh: Hm? Excuse me sir?


Raider: Well, looks like it’s my lucky day. It’s a prison break.
Josh: Prison break would imply that I am breaking out of a prison, but what I am doing is simply walking out of a play house.

Josh: Now now. There’s no need to raise your voice.
Raider: *Points spear at Josh* Who do you think you are?
Josh: Is pointing the gun at me necessary? I’m unarmed…
Raider: *suddenly confused* What gun?
Josh: Exactly. So, I have one question.
Raider: Huh?
Josh: Can I have something to eat?

Raider: Oh sure, what would you like?
Josh: YOUR SOUL! *Quickly thrusts knife into neck.*


*The guard makes a racket as he falls backward, knocking over a small table.*
Carl: Come on!
*There are two doors on the other side of the hall. Josh takes the spear from the raider’s dead body, hands the pocket knife to Carl, and opens the first door. This leads to a small storage room with an open back door that leads outside into the desert. Josh looks into the other door. A group of dirty men and women in leather and tire armor holding an assortment of spears, knives, desert eagles, and colt pistols, stand looking at two battered women who seem to be their slaves, who are dancing for the raiders.* Carl suddenly goes completely nuts and starts ripping off their faces with his bare teeth and swallowing them. The Raiders shoot and stab and generally miss and die, but two put up a fierce fight, seeming to be the leaders, as they are wearing metal and tire armor. Josh thrusts his spear at one of the leaders, but it gets stuck in the tire rubber. The spear gets stuck in the tire rubber. Josh pushes the spear hard, trying to knock the leader down, but the huge man takes the spear and snaps it in half. The huge man takes the spear and snaps it in half. Josh picks up a pistol from a body and starts shooting at the man’s head, dropping him dead.* Josh quickly turns to the right to fight the other leader, only to find Carl and him still facing off. Josh looks down at the bodies, to find all their hands missing.*
Carl: *shrugs*
Khan leader: *Growling with hate* Lord Grummond told us you’d be a problem. I am Garl the Deathhand, Leader of the Khans!!


Josh: *Picks up desert eagle and shoots at face.*
Garl: *Dodges* You think you can come here without challenge? This, the home of your deadliest enemies? We will see you dead. I will personally tear your heart out of your chest and eat it before my proud warriors!
Josh: You seem to act pretty tough. How ‘bout a duel? A fair sword fight with no armor.
Garl: *looks impressed* How about a fist fight? I have a boxing ring outside.


Josh: Oh. Convenient. Ok, cool.
* A couple minutes later, at the boxing ring.*
*Carl rubs Josh’s shoulders. A gang of Khans, their slaves, Sean, and Carl surround the ring as the two opponents face off. Garl takes off his metal armor to reveal a crazy eight pack.*
Josh: So um. Begin? Whoa. Is that a freaking eight pack? All right. Well. Come on.


Garl: You know it baby! *Charges at the relatively small frame of Josh.*
*Josh jumps through Garl’s legs. Garl trips and lands on his face. The Khans growl and hiss. Josh jumps on Garl’s back, puts him in a headlock, and attempts to break his neck. Garl turns his head completely around and bites Josh’s nose.*
Josh: WHOAH! *Jumps up and wipes blood off his nose. Stands still in front of Garl with his hands up.*
Garl: *Jumps up and sneers* MY FATHER BROKE MY NECK WHEN I WAS TEN!
Josh: Oh. Too bad it didn’t kill you.


Garl: Yeah, because I never would’ve gotten the chance to kill him.


Josh: Alright well. Come on big boy.
Garl: You know, you remind me of him in an odd sort of way. Do you feel like DYING TODAY?!?!?
Josh: Not particularly.
Garl: *Walks forward calmly with a broad smile on his face* I’m gonna snap your head off like I did to my father, then, I’m gonna put it on my motorcycle.
Josh: Well that’s not mentally healthy.

*The khans all cheer, and a few that are on their motorcycles for some reason rev their engines. Josh charges forward and punches him in the crotch.*
Garl: AGH!!


Crowd: Ooooooo….
*Garl doubles over in pain and turns red faced, in fury. Josh jumps on him and starts repeatedly striking his throat. Garl throws Josh off and attempts to breath.*
Garl: Hmm, you fight better than I expected. I haven’t had a good beating since my father slapped me around the room. Take your miserable hide and leave. If you ever return, I will not be so gentle.


Josh: Alright. *Walks over to get stuff.*


*Meanwhile, Sean has been sneaking around freeing all the slaves and prisoners and getting them ready to escape in a jeep.*
Josh: *walks up behind Garl and presses desert eagle against the back of his head.* Maybe I’ll take you head.
Guard: *yells out* LOOK OUT GARL!!

Josh: *Pulls trigger*


*Garl swings around with his fist, and just barely dodges the bullet. He grabs his own Desert Eagle again and opens fire. Sean bursts out of the garage with his jeep full of escaping slaves.*

*Josh hears a spear flying towards his from behind, and drops to the ground letting the spear hit Garl. Carl jumps on the jeep with a bag of hands. Garl gets hit in the shoulder, but he tears it out and charges, while opening fire alongside his gang.*
Josh: No Sean. They would chase us. You need to go! I’ll distract them!

Josh: *Runs into the building and tears through supply closet, looking for his duffle bag.*
Sean: *From outside* AGH! I SWEAR I’LL BE BACK IN A BIT! *Drives off. Sean barely escapes with Carl and the gang, as they are quickly pursued by a couple Khans on Motorcycles.*
Josh:*Closes door behind him* Duffle bag! You here?!
*The rest of the raiders surround the building.*
Garl: There’s no escape. Get out here boy!

*Josh keeps looking frantically until he finds the duffel bag. He puts it over his shoulder. He realizes that there’s a motorcycle in the hallway. He decides to not use it, and instead cuts open the gas tank and let’s it leak throughout the hallway. He then climbs up into the air vent and finds way to the roof.*
*A raider comes out of the bathroom and sits on the motorcycle expecting it to work.*

Motorcycle Raider: Why won’ dis thing work?
Josh: *Sticks head out of a hole in the ceiling* Sorry breh.
Motorcycle Raider: It’s okay, could you pass me a few dollars to get a wrench?
Josh: Yeah, you know I’m a little short on things right now. And you’re about to die, so it’d be a waste.
Motorcycle Raider: Oh, okay, thanks anyway.
*After getting up to the roof, Josh looks over ledge, seeing a bunch of raiders, ready to bust inside. He

notices the gas has started to leak out under the door outside. Josh drops match onto gas, and jumps off, with suppressed assault rifle. The already poorly made ranch house bursts into flames, with raiders screaming and running about. Amidst the chaos, Garl is the only one still going after Josh. Garl is wearing his metal armor again and he begins shooting at Josh. Josh shoots rifle at Garl, but the bullets bounce off his armor. Josh now shoots his grenade launcher attachment at the fiend, but Garl sprints away from the grenade. Garl bends down to pick up a molotov cocktail off of a dead raiders body, not realizing that the end is slightly on fire. While he’s holding it, it explodes, making Garl burst into flames.*
Josh: Wow. Just. Oh my. *Runs back to the ranch, shooting all the raiders.*
*Some raiders escape on their motorcycles, but it’s clear the Khans won’t be an organized threat for awhile. Josh grabs leftover motorcycle and takes off.*

*End scene*

CONVO Season 3 Episode 12 The Caves

Season 3
Episode 12
The Caves

*Jasper skypes Josh, Sean, and Kyla while clearly holding a sniper rifle and aiming it at Sean’s window*

Jasper: Can someone explain to me who this Korean friend of yours is?
Sean: Yes. *Looks out window calmly, and leaves the room at to not get shot.*
Jasper: Oh good, thanks. He looks nice. *Aims gun at Namoo now.*
Sean: He is. He’s leaving this Sunday. *Comes back in with a tranquilizer gun and shoots out the window at Jasper, knocking him out.*
Josh: *From Seth’s house* WHAT!?!? FREAKING NAMOO IS LEAVING?!?!?
Kyla: *From her Coastal Tower.* Wait, what?
Kyla: I thought he was staying like, another month?
Sean: YOU CAN’T!!!
Josh: WHY!?!
Sean: He’s leaving right after Winterfest on Sunday. And you’re in California right now. WINTERFEST!
Josh: GAH! I NEED TO SPOON HIM ONCE MORE! So yeah, tell him I said goodbye.

Sean: *Walks over to Namoo and shows Josh on his phone* Namoo send your farewells to Josh.

Namoo: *Takes out pocket knife and smiles evilly* Say goodbye…

Namoo: *Points at lamp* If it is you…*Takes knife and begins to slash and stab the lamp shade, while grunting and growling.*
Sean: He definitely can fight. He was showing me his terrifying self defense moves. He was showing me how he would destroy my crotch if I grabbed his shoulder. That sounded weird….
Josh: Oh, well, martial arts is pretty much the only way for Koreans to fight. And wait what?? *After Sean doesn’t respond for a second* SEAN!
Sean: SEAN!
Josh: JOSH!!
Sean: YEAH?
Josh: So what avenger member are you most like?
Sean: I’ll be Bruce Banner
Josh: Ooo. Good. What about just any hero in the marvel universe?


Sean: Spiderman maybe.


Josh: Not who you want to be, just who shares your personality. Nate would be Iron man or Star lord.
Sean: Spiderman probably for me. I dunno.
Josh: What about Kyla?
Sean: I dunno. Marvel isn’t my expertise. Plus, most super hero girls are sluts.
Josh: Or they just dress like sluts even though they’re not
Sean: Yeah. I don’t know Marvel well enough.
Josh: What about for DC? Like all of us.
Sean: I know Batman better than anything, so thats the only way I could do this. *Puts down phone to go do something, Namoo makes weird hand motions on the screen.*
Jasper: *Drowsily waking up, having dropped his sniper rifle from the tree* Hey, I’m good with Marvel. Should I pick a character? If so, DEADPOOL. And ant man. And star lord. Well ya know Kyla could be the Phoenix, except she turns evil and dies. But then wolverine went back and altered the history, so she’s all cool now. And she is NOT a slut…Or she could be storm. Orrrrr she could be freakin black widow. Oh my gosh. She could never be the girl from fantastic 4. That team is sooooo lame! GUYZ! KYLA CAN BE SCARLET WITCH! Yes. Kyla, you are scarlet witch.
Kyla: *Sends picture of Scarlet Witch in slutty outfit* Yeah, good plan.
Jasper: Mm.
Kyla: Not slutty in any way.
Jasper: But you would need to change your outfit. A little…
Kyla: I’d love to be her. Why would we change her clothes? She’s obviously just like me exactly how she’s currently dressed.


Jasper: So you wear skimpy clothes??
Kyla: Always.
*Josh looks sad.*

Jasper: Mm. Sad face?
Josh: No. That’s not Kyla.
Kyla: You sure?
Josh: Kyla cannot dress like that. The universe will not allow it.
Jasper: Well, I mean, I’ve never seen you wearing them…
Josh: JASPER. Kyla will not dress like that.
Jasper: But that doesn’t mean you don’t.
Josh: Me? Well, those are my pajama clothes.
Jasper: Are you sure poo poo?
Josh: Of course she does not. It’s freaking Kyla.

Jasper: I’m 50% sure she doesn’t wear those.  25% sure she wears them in her room.

25% sure she wears them in public.
Kyla: You’re 100% wrong. I wear them always.
Jasper: But, at snap you didn’t.


Josh: Honestly if she wore them in her room only, I wouldn’t be surprised.


Jasper: Yeah. But she says otherwise, and she’s always right.


Kyla: I actually have Scarlet Witche’s outfit. I wear it to the store usually.


Jasper: Seriously?
Kyla: Yeah.

Jasper: Sweeeettt….

Josh: Can I be QuickSilver? Then I’d be her brother.
Jasper: Uh heck no, you’re not her bro. Freaking weirdo.
Kyla: Oh, I have QuickSilver’s outfit too.
Josh: Ooohhh!
Jasper: Nice! I should be quicksilver. Kyla, who is your brother: me or josh?
Kyla: No. I think I’m both, melded into one person.
Josh: Jasper. You’d be a terrible brother, telling yo sister to dress like dat.
Jasper: Nooooo….I never said that.
Kyla: Like what? I can wear what I want.


Josh: Kyla. You’re Kyla. Anything past shorts and T shirt is off limits for you.
Kyla: Says who?


Josh: Like, PAYLO agrees. *Thunder crashes in the distance, making Jasper fall from the tree.*
Kyla: PAYLO said nothing about the way I dress.
Jasper: *Trying to steady himself after hitting the ground hard.* Who’s PAYLO?
Kyla: Your mom.

Jasper: Oh.
Josh: Whoa. Plot twist. Jasper is the son of PAYLO.
Jasper: Phone company?
Josh: JASPER! WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA!?!? Anyways, I’m out. *Hangs up.*


Jasper: Darn. Tell me little sis.
Kyla: Who’s little sis?


Jasper: You.


Kyla: No.


Jasper: *Sends another picture of Scarlet Witch’s Outfit.* Just makin sure, you have this?
Kyla: Ew. No. Of course not, almost everything I just said was utter sarcasm. Ick. So gross.
Jasper: Exactly. Just what I was thinking. *Looks pleased with himself*
Sean: *Sean returns, and looks thoughtful* That moment when an image of Kyla wearing those clothes crosses your mind….
Kyla: Ew no! Don’t do that! Gross, don’t do that.


Jasper: Sean, you’re perverted. *Picks up Sniper Rifle and aims it up at Sean* Although, I had that same moment. *Smiles awkwardly*


Sean: I didn’t say I enjoyed it. If we were talking Josh, I’d imagine Josh in that cos- ewwwwww. See?
Kyla: How about we fuhgettaboutit. *Hangs up*

*Jasper is just about to finally kill Sean, when Sean appears behind him. Jasper checks to see what he was aiming at before, realizing it was a dummy, and then is promptly knocked out by Sean.*

*Opening credits play, in the style of a monster horror movie.*

*Josh skypes Kyla and Nate. David is with him. The two are on their way to the caves.*
Josh: Anybody want to go to the mall when I get back from Cali?
Kyla: The mall can’t handle me, Josh.
Josh: Maybe you can’t handle the mall.
Kyla: Probably true also.
Nate: Hm. *Hangs up.*
David: We need to go on a quest to the universe to ask it permission for malls and Kylas to be able to handle each other.
Josh: No, because it’s going to take two months to finally finish the mission, and a bunch of people are going to get killed, and we’re going to have to be chased by all sorts of baddies, and have to go into feakin space again and in the end, Kyla will be all like “what makes you think I wanted to go to the mall in the first place?”
Kyla: *Sarcastically* Haha. *She hangs up.*
*David and Josh arrive at the cave.*


Josh: David?
David: Yeah fool?


Josh: Be careful. There be monsters afoot.
*As they walk deep into the cave they see a bloody body sitting up against the cave wall, missing both hands.*
Josh: Whoa. What’s this?


*All of the sudden, Carl appears from deeper in the cave with red hands.*


Josh: Carl! What did you do?
Carl: Huh? *Looks at the body* What? Ah, I didn’t do this.
Josh: Tell me Carl. What did you do before we got here.
Carl: Well um. Well I was in my room.
Josh: Uh huh.
Carl: In my bed.
Josh: Go on.
Carl: Reading a book. And well this guy walked in…

Josh: Yeah?
Carl: And well, I stabbed him thirty seven times in the chest.
Josh: Caaaarrlll, that kills people!
David: True fact
Carl: Oh. Gosh, I uh, I didn’t know that.
Josh: Why did you kill this person Carl??
Carl: I do not kill people. That is, that is my least favorite thing to do.
Josh: What happened to his hands?
Carl: Hm??
Josh: His hands. Why are they missing from his body?
Carl: oh well I uh, cooked them up. And ate them.
Josh: Caaaarrrllll!
Carl: What? My stomach was making the rumblies…
Josh: Carl!
Carl: That only hands could satisfy/
Josh: What is wrong with you Carl!!!
Carl: Well I uh, I kill people and I eat hands that’s, that’s two things.
Josh: Ugh. Why are you here anyways?
Carl: I told you. I like hands. I saw this guy walk in. He was wearing this *holds up swastika arm band* I assumed it was okay to eat his hands, since he is a baddie. He had a gun *holds up MP40*
Josh: Huh. Let’s hope that he was the first nazi to come here. *Josh searches the nazi and finds a note in his back pocket.*


Note: 1. 2% milk 2. Fava Beans 3. Cotton Candy 4. Gummy Bears 5. Swedish Fish 6. A bottle of white wine 7. The blood of my enemies 8. Radscorpian venom. 9. A lunchables packet (any type) 10. Some coffee beans

*Here and there, the words are crossed out, but for the most part, it seems the Nazi hadn’t found everything he needed. The Nazi does have some Swedish Fish on him though.*
Josh: Oooh! Swedish fish! *Eats all Swedish fish. Sadly, Josh realizes too late that the swedish fish are actually just fish with the flag of Sweden on them. Clearly the Nazi wasn’t that bright.* Hmmm. The note seems suspicious. *Holds lighter up to the back of the note to see if there’s a secret message,*
Secret message: If you’re reading this, then you’re too smart for this job.
Josh: Wow. Guess this guy was pretty stupid. He had a submachine gun and Carl managed to stab him thirty seven times in the chest with a kitchen knife. Well. Free food. Let’s keep moving.
Carl: Let’s find more evil bent-cross male men. I need more hands.
*As they venture deeper into the Radscorpion caves, piles of starch white dry bones of animals can be seen, at least they seem like animal bones. Carl picks up a skeleton hand and starts sucking on it.*
Josh: You need help Carl.
*Suddenly, in the darkness, the scuffling of giant legs can be heard. The group’s flashlights open up on a pack of Radscorpions: giant, mutated scorpions, with lethal stingers.*
Josh: *Takes out rifle and points it at the giant scorpions legs.*
Carl: WOO! LOOK AT DEM LEGS! *Carl starts shooting the Nazis gun at them*
*The scorpions armor is thick, and although damage is dealt, it is minimized by the monster’s exoskeleton. Josh takes out a compound bow and shoots an explosive arrow at one of the scorpions. The scorpion squeals in pain, but it limps onward toward Josh. Josh shoots another explosive arrow. The scorpion finally drops, but the others still close in, stingers dripping with venom. Josh takes out a suppressed assault rifle and starts firing away. David and Carl are pretty much emptying their guns.

A few Radscorpions drop, but they eventually surround the gang, stabbing away with their massive stingers. Pain rushes throughout their bodies, making it hard to breath. Their senses become almost useless as they fall into a feelingless sleep.*

*End Scene*

CONVO Season 3 Episode 11 Going to California

Season 3
Episode 11
Going to California

*The sky blackens as a cold, easterly breeze blows through the night air. No stars fill the sky tonight, as they are replaced by a seemingly empty, hollow universe. A man sprints across the desert, chased by the creators of dozens of loud food steps and the creaking of exo skeletons. The man is cornered, then turns, looking frightened, but suddenly begins to smile. He is victorious, the monsters are not chasing him, they are following him. He laughs, and disappears into the night. Henceforth, he would forsake his forgotten family, and be known as a lord. Lord Grummond.*

*75 years later, in Sean’s house.*
Sean: Alright Josh, David. You guys understand what you have to do?
Josh: Hm?


David: Yeah. Totally. But just explain it Josh’s pee wee broom. I mean brain! Sorry! Didn’t notice it.


Josh: David, you’re so freaking hilarious, I want to kiss you. Look. I’m trying to stay clean now for as long as I can. Usually when people make inappropriate jokes while I’m trying to stay clean it makes it harder. But when you do it, it makes it easier. Thank you.

David: Everyone wants to kiss me.
Sean: Anyway, go to the airport, buy two tickets under the alias Mr and Mr Mitchell, go to Los Angeles, take a taxi out to the tiny town of Shady Sands, where you will meet my Associate, Seth, who will give you weapons and guide you to some caves, where we may find evidence as to where and who Lord Grummond is. All we know is that he hates Josh because of his eyes.


Josh: My eyes??


David: Nope.
Sean: Yes, thats all we know. Also, you guys have to pretend to be married. That is essential to the plan.
Josh: Okay. *Kisses David. David starts choking and crying.*
Sean: Perfect, that was totally natural.


David: What? I gagged.
Sean: When you meet Seth, the code is “Who’s the best cat in the United States?” If he says “It’s you hamper jamper, it’s you!” Then he is the contact. Don’t talk to anyone unless you have to.
David: Got it.


Sean: Good. Batman and Gary are looking for Tim. Little Fox and Nate are looking for the other Tim. And I’m staying here to pull the strings on my other contacts.

*Suddenly someone says CUT, and the three prepare for the next shot on set. It’s suddenly become very meta.*
Josh: *To Sean as the director sets up the camera for the next shot* Wait. If batman is in this story. Then who’s Jim Gordon? It can’t really be Gary.
Sean: *Ghostly ooooooooo*
Josh: What? *Looks at the camera that’s recording them now* We’re being recorded. This means we’re in a show inside of a show. So what happens if I do this? *Punches Sean, but is still looking at the camera and so he only hits his chest lightly.*
Sean: Showception
Josh: This is incredible.
Sean: *Looking really stressed out.* This is breaking the rules. We should stop.
Josh: *Walks off the set that’s inside of the set and looks at a new camera that was filming the show that was being filmed* Do we do this to talk inside of the show, that’s inside a show?

Sean: STOP! YOU’RE FREAKIN’ ME OUT! *Suddenly they switch to the first camera and go back into the story.* Anyway, no weapons until you get to shady sands, understand?
Josh: Whhaaat??? No duffle bag?! No raygun? No rifle? No bow?? No glock?! No sword?
Sean: No, Lord Grummond would find you in an instant.
Josh: Can I have my pocket knife?


Sean: They’ll find it at the airport.
Josh: Gah. Can you have my duffle bag smuggled over to the safe house?
Sean: I’ll try to get it to Shady Sands, but until then, nah.
Josh: ‘Kay. Does Seth have weapons?
Sean: Yes, he’s the head of the guards at Shady Sands. And he secretly works for me.


Josh: Alright, let’s go.
Sean: I’ll see you later, good luck. If you need anything, just call me.

*End scene. The screen starts to fade into the credits, but suddenly it cuts to Josh being double meta again.*
Josh: Sooooo, is this a thing?
Josh: Ok, ok. What about this? *Walks off the third set and onto a fourth one that’s been recording the first three ones.


Sean: *As Josh brings him to a fifth one, breaking the 25th wall, Sean sobs*
Cyrus: *In the sixth one* Nnnooooooooooo!!!!!!
Josh: *After bringing them through 13, the original set is far in the distance as metaness has been brought to a whole new level* KISS ME!!!!!

Santannah: *Sitting awkwardly on the most meta of all the sets, so much so, that if they kept going they’d enter the real world.*
*The credits have been playing this whole time, now the taxi from the airport to Shady Sands is just arriving.*

Josh: *Calls Sean*
Sean: Watchu want?
Josh: What was Seth’s address?
Sean: He should meet you at the entrance, you almost there?
Josh: Yeah we just- oh I think that’s him. *Texts picture of a tall bearded man who looks somewhat like Jesus.*


Sean: Oh, yup, that’s him, but do the code thing just in case. David there?
Josh: He’s still getting out of the taxi. I’ll wait for him. Daaaavviiiidd!

David: *Catching up with Josh, he seems to be texting someone and not really paying attention.* Yo. Talking to bae bro.
Josh: David. Serious matters are at hand.
David: Um, same.
Josh: *Puts Sean on speaker phone* We have to pursue the mission of Lord Grummond though!!! And please, even if you sent me a picture of her kissing you, I still wouldn’t believe it.

Sean: You and Julie a thing? AND YOU CAN’T DO BOTH???


David: But bae bro…
Josh: David. Stop saying bæ. You’re not a schoolgirl.
Sean: Bae is only said by people in tentative and unstable relationships. Or single people. And the sentence ‘but bae bro’ made me lose an immense amount of respect for you.)

Josh: *Laughs*

Sean: *Shaking his head* Lame, David. Lame.
Kyla: *Calls David, it seems he has texted her about the current situation. He puts her on speakerphone* Please don’t be mean to people for the way they speak except for in extreme circumstances. That’s what mean people do.
Josh: What if they are speaking crudely? Or insulting people?
Sean: What if they are telling me they ‘gonna kill my buttz’?
Kyla: Allow me to refer to the sentence I just said where I say “except for in extreme circumstances”.

Josh: The circumstances I said aren’t extreme. Sean’s is.

Sean: *Not hearing correctly over the phone* Is David crying?

David: Why would I be?
Kyla: Probs not. He’s not a baby.
David: Thanks Kyla. I can always count on you. *pounds chest twice and points to the phone, although Kyla can obviously not see him.*


Josh: Are we gonna get to work?
*Cyrus nods, says goodbye to Kyla, and hangs up.*

Sean: Ugh, people… *Hangs up*
Josh: David, let’s go. Seth is right there. *Points at Seth, walks up to him, and says* Excuse me?
*Seth stands at the entrance to Shady Sands, with molded native american style adobe huts and buildings, surrounded by a sandstone wall, holding a rifle and looking diligently.*
David: *Suddenly confused* Who’s Seth? Where are we? I feel like I just forgot everything.
Josh: *Trying to sound as cool as possible* Who’s the best cat in the United States?
David: *Thinking he knows the answer* Grumpy cat.
Seth: *Puts on aviators, looks dramatically at the sun set* It’s you hamper jamper, it’s you.
 David: What even?

Seth: *Gruff, awesome voice* Sean send you?
David: *Suddenly recovering his cool* Maybe. What’s it to you?
Seth: I’m here to help you with the Grummond situation.
David: Mm. Well I have to be gay right now. As an assignment. So let’s get this over with.
Seth: Names?
David: Well at least there’s that. Mitchell. David and Josh Mitchell.
Josh: *Ignoring David* That’s David, my ‘husband’.
Seth: Real names? You can trust me, I work directly for Sean.
David: Yeah, those are our real names. Wait, was I supposed to lie? Man! Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Josh: My name is Joshua Doeffinger. *Points at David* Detective David Cyrus Mitchell. Show us the safe house, and let me hold a kill tool.

Cyrus: *Bows and says dully* At your service. *Yawns* Can we get on with this?


Seth: Come on. *looks at a fellow guard* Tandi, you got this?
Tandi: Of course.
*Seth brings the two guys to a shabby adobe hut on the west side of town.*
Josh: *As Josh walks in, he sees Carl, sitting in a recliner with a pistol strapped on his hip* Carl??
David: Carl? Who is that?
Carl: *Looks around at them and says blandly* I am Carl. Hello, tall male man. I have gotten better at English. Interesting language. Mr. Skinny male man has hired me to help you on your mission.
David: Oh yeah. You. *Still not recognizing Carl.*
Seth: The little dude came stumbling out of Nevada a few days ago, Sean told me to keep an eye out for him.

Carl: *Walks up to David* are you tall male man’s reunited soul mate?
David: I would seem so.

Josh: Ummm. Yeah that didn’t work out, Carl.
David: Oh. Wait. Her? Nah. He’s gay now. *Points at Josh* Because of rejection.
Carl: Oh? Did skinny blonde woman not love you?
Josh: Yeeahh. Turns out Kyla is a lesbian now.
Josh: It actually all makes sense now.
Seth: That sucks. My lady friend doesn’t really love me either.
David: Yo. Life.
Carl: Not uncommon for this planet to have unloving soulmates, and gay ones at that.
David: I love a fox. Beat that.
Carl: Gross.
David: Yeah. I love her soul. But she doesn’t get that I guess. Or does and still thinks I’m gross. Anyways, business.
Seth: How long’ve you known her?
Josh: *To Seth* Don’t talk to him. She’s a fox. Like an animal fox. #bestiality


David: Like, since halfway through this whole ordeal. So like tops a week.

Josh: Don’t worry David. It’ll be legal in a few years.
David: No thanks. I just wanna become a wolf at this point. I have a pure soul. But LF don’t believe dat.
Josh: David, we already established that you are a groundhog. LGs grandfather even told me “odd police man who thinks he is wolf will try to steal little fox from you. Take great caution for he has the capability to turn into a lightning groundhog.” Lg’s G-pa and I were close. Within the two days I knew him.
Seth: Wolves and Foxes aren’t even the same family. Gross.

David: Didn’t actually happen. Now he is making stuff up.
Carl: So, can we eat food?
Seth: Guys, we should get down to business.


Josh: Ok ok, anyways, let’s get to it.
Seth: Every night, vicious monsters known as Radscorpians come out and kill our cattle, and now have been going after people. I know where they nest, but I haven’t been able to kill all them. I have knowledge that a man named Lord Grummond was the first man to explore the caves, so I called Sean up about it.
Josh: And?
Seth: If you want info about Lord Grummond, I suggest you check out the caves.
Josh: Did Sean get any info?
Seth: Well, thats why he sent you guys. To search the caves.  He didn’t tell me anything else. He did send a ridiculously huge duffel bag.
Josh: OH! That’s mine. Black and heavy?
Seth: It’s over there, in the corner. So, you going to the Radscorpian caves tonight?
Josh: Yeah. Let’s go David.

*End Scene*

CONVO Season 3 Episode 10 Josh’s Dad Rises

Season 3
Episode 10
Josh’s Dad Rises



*Nate and David are hanging out in the bunker, just chilling out.*
Nate: So wassup?
David: Life.


Nate: Cool. Me too.


David: Good.


Nate: So weird. Doing the same thing…


David: Small world.


Nate: Mmhmmm. Only has like a couple trillion people. Small world. Really small.


David: Count again bud.


Nate: 1-2-3-4_6_9_0-6-5-8-7-5_8_8-8-9-2 *Counts all night, and when David wakes up again the next day, Nate finishes* Yup. Counted to two.


David: Good job.


Nate: Thanks. Been working on counting since yesterday. It’s an art.


David: Rully? Coo’.


Nate: Mmhmm.


Sean: *Walking in, just waking up* It’s actually 8 billion people.


Nate: Nah. 25 trillion.


David: 82 gazillion.


Nate: Ah yes! Gazillion… I yahood that. *Calls Kyla on the phone* Oh, hey Kyla. Isn’t there 82 gazillion people on earth?


Kyla: Actually, 17.


David: Total? Kyla?


Sean: *Confused as to the nonsense that is being spoken* Where is this coming from?


Nate: From Obama. I blame Obama.


David: And Hitler.


Nate: Yes him too


Sean: Don’t shame the name of my boy.


Nate: Mm.


Kyla:  Well. Guess what. I called Bernie Sanders and he told me it was 17. So, I think I have the authority here.


David: Dang it. She got us. I mean, it’s the Bern.


Nate: Well, he’s old and wise, so I’d believe him


Sean: I am Bernie Sanders though.


Kyla:  Duh. I called you.


Nate: Shush Jimmy. Shupta, kay?


Kyla:  You told me. Remember?


Sean: No….oh gosh….

*Credits in the style of the 1960s Batman Television series come on.*


*On Valentines day, Josh, Sean, Nate, David, and Kyla sit at a table for lunch together. Sean is showing some pictures he had taken with Namoo. In the pictures, Sean is wearing an over sized Boston T-shirt tucked into a giant belt. On his head is a neck pillow, and his hand is a toy laser gun. He looks super feminine.*

Sean: My latest photoshoot.

Josh: What the heck is on your head?

Sean: Namoo’s neck pillow. *Shows a picture of the adorable Namoo with it on his head.*

Kyla: Aw, that’s wonderful.

Sean:He said he feels like Will Ferrell in Zoolander.

Josh: *To everyone* I love you.

Sean: Love you too.


Nate: Love you too, Sean.


David: *Suddenly getting really emotional* I love you guys so much. I know I don’t go to snap anymore, and I haven’t for a while, but I still consider most of you very close and good friends of mine, and to the others, you seem cool so…*laughs a little*  Hopefully we are friends for a long time. Have a good Valentine’s Day. Love.


Kyla:  Ditto


Sean: Love to you, as well. May the blessings be.


David: Thanks bro.


Sean: So, I got some news on Lord Grummond.


David: Really?
Sean: *Gets phone call* Oh, I’ll tell you later guys. The guys who are gonna clean up my house just got to my house, so, I have to go. Bye! *Leaves in a hurry*


*Later that day, in the bunker.*


Burt: *Knocks on door. At this point Sean can’t do anything about it, as he went home the day before, and has been working on finding Lord Grummond and cleaning up his house.*


Nate: Where’d Sean go?


Josh:  Said he needs to focus on finding our target.


Nate: *nods* Who’s the target?


Josh:  Some real big guy. Names “Lord Grummond”


Nate: Did you just say Grummond??


Josh:  Yeah? You know him?


Nate: I know a guy who’s always working with him. He’s always worrying that Grummond will kill him for not paying up on time. His names Tim. But he’s pretty hard to find, and I rarely see him.


*Sean calls*


Josh:  Huh. I’ll let Sean know. *Answers*


Gravelly voice: *A gruff voice answers that very obviously isn’t Sean answers* Crossroads. One hour.


*The phone hangs up.*


*In the woods outside Crossroads*


Man in Mask: *Points gun at Sean who’s tied up* It’s been an hour. Where’s your friend?


Josh:  *Appearing behind the man in the mask* Me? *Shoots tranquilizer gun two times.*


*Man in Mask falls to the ground.*
Sean: *Looking up at Josh*  Oh, hey, cool.


Josh:  What happened?


Sean:  So, I was working in my newly fixed up room, and this guy comes up behind me in a gun, tells me to stand still as he ties me up, then brings me here.


Josh:  Sooo… He tied u up while pointing a gun at you?


Sean: *Thinks for a second*  Umm, yeah, I guess he did.


Josh:  So with one hand?


Sean:  Wow, *looks at man* dang, he’s good.


Josh: *Impressed* That’s skill.


Sean: *Also impressed*  Seriously.


Josh:  *Zip ties mans hands and feet.*


Sean:  Can we take his mask off?


Josh:  *Cuts Sean loose. Josh checks the gun, its full of blanks. He then unmasks the man. Underneath is another mask. It’s Batman. They take the second mask off. It’s Bruce Wayne.*

What the even heck? Is that Bruce Wayne?




Josh:  Makes sense.


Sean:  Don’t be so smart. Noone could’ve seen this coming. Plus, he’s your dad, so I’m surprised you didn’t already know.


Josh:  Well. Alright then.


*Nate comes along and helps Josh carry Bruce into the back of the van.*


Sean:  *On the way home in the van* Alright, so, why do you think Batman kidnapped me?


Josh:  Maybe he thought that you’re scare crow?


Sean:  I can see the resemblance. But, he knew my address, and I’m a lot younger than Crane. Plus, Crane is in Arkham right now.


Josh:  Hm. Well let’s ask him.


*They go back to the bunker.*


Sean:  Ugh, I hate this place.


Nate: Why? It resembles a closet?
Sean:  It smells. And it reminds me of my childhood.

*Josh and Sean tie Bruce to the bed.*
Batman: GASP!


Sean: Oh, hey, he’s awake.
Batman: *in growl* WHERE AM I?!?


Sean:  Dude, your mask’s off.


Batman: *Normal voice* Crap! What’s going on??
Josh:  OH! I tranquillized you. Twice. That’s what happens if ya be wavin guns at people dad.


Bruce Wayne: Dang. I really should’ve been more prepared, two masks really ruins your peripheral vision.


Josh:  So, why did you abduct Sean?


Batman: Why should I tell you?


Josh:  Cuz your zip tied to a bed.


Batman: Wouldn’t be the first time…

Josh: You don’t want to know all the gayness David can do.
Batman: Once again, wouldn’t be the first time.


Josh:  WHOA! You were with David?


Nate: Mm.


Josh:  I guess that’s why David is suicidal. Cuz he wants all gay people dead.


Nate: Mm again. *Nate walks out.*


Batman: UGH! No! It was the Joker.


Josh:  OOOH! So that’s how he got those scars.




Josh:  Anyway, can you not be difficult and just tell us?


Batman: I’m Batman…


Nate: *Walks in again* Why is there a shirtless guy in my bed? Only Josh is allowed to do that.


Sean:  Nate, you helped bring him here.


Josh:  I just drove you guys here.


Sean:  You took him to the car. AND WHEN DID HE BECOME SHIRTLESS!?!?
*Nate awkwardly walks out.*
Josh:  *shrugs* I think it was David.


Sean:  Josh, no. Don’t lie.


Josh:  DAD. Can ya tell us?


Batman: I’M BATMAN!!!


Josh:  I’m Josh!


Batman: Oh, hey.


Josh:  Tell me or so help me, the whole country will know your identity.


Batman: It’d only be a surprise to the guys. *clicks tongue*


Josh:  Umm, LITTLE FOX!


Batman: ANYWAY!


Josh:  Come here this instant! LF!!!!




Josh:  *turns to Sean* Sean?


Sean:  *shrugs* Don’t mean to be prideful. I know a lot of info.


Josh:  SEAN!


Sean:  Why would you want Josh if you needed info from me anyway?


Josh: *Turns back to Batman* Yeah, you creep!


Batman: Ugh. Fine. I need a partner.
Josh:  Ummm. Ew.


Batman: Or a team, so to speak.


Josh:  You have like six former apprentices. Why don’t you ask them?


Batman: I need a team like yours. People not from Gotham.


Josh:  Sorry, but we’re fresh out of Asians, if that’s what you were lookin’ for.




Sean: *involuntarily yelps* Tim C-Curry?

Batman: YES!


Josh:  Okay, there’s no need to raise your voice. Sooo… you know Grummond too?




Josh:  Again. There’s no need to raise your voice at me.
Nate: *Comes back in again.* Hey guys. I got pizza.
Burt: *Knocks on door.*


Batman: Sorry, its my Batman voice. Do you not do a voice when you go vigilanting?


Josh:  Well, I have like a robotic voice changer thing. It’s a lot easier on the throat.


Batman: Oh, that makes sense.


Josh:  Yeah. Well do u want pizza?


Batman: Umm, sure, just cut me loose.


Josh:  Ok. *cuts loose* I knew that you were Batman. I mean, I had it narrowed down to a list of 52 guys, but you were definitely on that list.


Burt: *knocks on door*


Batman: *Through mouth of pineapple pizza* Yeah, right. My alibi is tight.


Josh:  Well, there’s not many rich men in Gotham that are clean.


Burt: *knocks on door*


Batman: Yeah, but I’m a busting alcoholic, remember?


Josh:  Yet, here you are as batman.

Batman: *embarrassed* Shut up.


Burt: *From outside* AGH AGH AGH AGH


Nate: What the____ is that? *Opens the door.*



Sean:  Nate, we’ve been through this. That’s Burt Dicaprio.


Nate: oh. Burney wasn’t it?


*Burt swallows the slice of pizza out of Nate’s hand. Burt then grimaces and throws up.*


Nate: Come on!


*Burt walks in and starts devouring the kitchen table.*

Josh:  Soooo. We’re kinda on a mission to find this Grummond guy.


Batman: *At the same time as Josh, and then ignoring him* So, you want to help me out? I’m trying to bring Tim to Arkham.


Sean:  *Dramatically staring off into the distance* You can’t capture Tim… You can’t stop him…


Josh:  Maybe we can If we can get Gary?


Sean:  Arkham is for criminals, Tim isn’t a criminal. Tim is a monster.


Josh:  Then we kill him.


Sean:  *Grimly laughs*Josh, we’ve fought Tim together three times now. You think that’ll work. You lost your wings because of him. Think of what he’ll do this time.
Nate: Guys! There’s a suspicious car parked outside.


Batman: Oh, that’s probably Red Hood. I told him to keep his distance in case something like this happened.


Josh:  Red hood? You trust him?


Batman: Not necessarily, but I need help.


Josh:  He did try to kill you in the past. Guess you guys saw father/son therapy. So, anyway,  Sorry, but I’m focusing on Grummond right now.


Batman: It happens. Who hasn’t had their kids try to kill them before?

*Burt is the only one who raises his hand.*


Josh:  He almost had me killed like, four times.


Batman: Who, Red Hood?
Josh:  Yea, no, Grummond. Sorry.


Batman: Oh, how did he attack you?


Josh:  He almost killed me with a jet when I was traveling by air. And then he had nazis attack me. Then one of his spies almost killed me. Then another attack of nazis came.


Batman: Dang, he really wants you dead. Any idea why?


Josh:  Naw.


Sean:  I do.


Josh:  What is it?


Sean:  Like I said, I learned some about him. Come with me.

*End Scene*

Always Hell

(This was a short story I wrote for my world literature class in 9th grade. We were told to base a short story on a poem. I wrote mine based off of Undiscouraged by Friedrich  Nietzsche. I wrote this rather last minute, so it’s very rushed and of poor quality. Regardless, here it is.)


Always Hell

No. It couldn’t be true. No. He couldn’t accept it. This was it. This was his life. This is what he lived for and now, well now he had no life it seemed. No reason to live. No reason to keep digging. This was beyond discouragement. Beyond questioning his own beliefs. This was a destruction of everything he believed. Everything he had ever thought or trusted in his realm of work, annihilated. This was the end. All of those debates, all the relationships broken, all the lives lost, and for what? His faith, (Yes, he was not afraid to say the accursed F word now) was so well placed in this one idea, to the point that his entire life revolved around it, and now he was wrong.

Fredrick stood in front of the large, open window, his eyes wide and staring at nothing in particular. A few stories below, a black street evangelist  had gotten the attention of hundreds of passing people. This was to be expected. The street below, usually blocked off by the traffic of New York’s signature yellow taxis hocking each other to pieces, was now covered by swarms of teary eyed, terrified, confused New Yorkers looking for an answer. Today, the traffic was quite a few blocks down, as alluded to by the distant honking of taxi horns and cursing of especially loud drivers. The sky was cloudy, the kind of weather one would see directly before a heavy storm, darkening the late afternoon. The humid, uncomfortable, summer air added to that feeling before a storm, in the city.

The preacher below appeared to be the stereotypical, black gospel preacher, complete with the intense sweating, passionate cries for ‘Amens’, and a zealous message all about hell and damnation and things of that sort. Any other day, these people in the streets would’ve ignored him and go about their lives and jobs. But not today. Today, similar sermons and gatherings were happening all over the city, all over the world probably. If Fredrick wasn’t so angry or confused, he might’ve attempted to listen to this man, just out of curiosity about how the other side was taking the news. Instead, he simply stared out of his window, contemplating what to do.

There was a knock on the door of his apartment, startling Fredrick out of this reverie. He jumped and turned around, wondering who would knock on his door. There were hundreds of people who would want to talk to him right then, and very few of them were people Fredrick would want to talk with himself. Fellow teachers, religious people he had debated with, students that he had ‘led astray’. No. It was better not to answer the door. In a child-like manner, he snuck over to his tiny bed room in the corner of his small apartment, and hid behind his bed, so that he couldn’t be seen through the peephole. The knock came again. Fredrick didn’t respond. And yet again, there came the three rhythmic knocks on his door.

“Freddy, old boy,” a familiar British accented voice called from the hallway “It’s Charlie! I know you’re in there! I’m a little older and confused, but my eye sight is still perfectly fine. I could see you from below when I was walking into the building.” Charlie nervously laughed a little when he referenced his eyesight.

Fredrick let out a sigh of relief as he stood up and walked to the door. Charlie was exactly the man he would want to talk to. He would know what to do.

“Oh, hello! I was starting to worry you had jumped,” Charlie exclaimed when Fredrick opened the door.

“I was right well tempted to when I first heard,” Fredrick responded with a grave tone in his quiet, clear voice, that hinted at his German nationality “come on in.”

“Oh, well, thank you,” Charles said, politely taking off his hat as he walked into the apartment “bloody awful mess, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Fredrick stated quietly, staring at a spot on the ground distractedly before closing the door “it is that indeed.”

“I suppose that you’d be cross with me,” Charlie guessed aloud, turning to Fredrick with a worried smile “me being the one who taught you.”

“Oh no, not at all,” Fredrick said, looking up and giving a forced smile. In truth, he hadn’t even thought of that until this point.

“I appreciate it,” Charlie mumbled, as he stared awkwardly at his shoes. “I’d understand if you were, knowing that we’re wrong now.”

Fredrick didn’t respond for a moment, but then invited Charlie to sit down on the plush couch. Fredrick hung up his friend’s hat on the coat rack next to his black blazer, and followed Charlie to the living area where he sat down across from him in a small armchair.

There was a moment of silence between the two men. Charlie Wardin was an older man, in his sixties, with a round, rather adorable face with bright blue eyes, a receding hair line and a long, thick beard. He had a little bit of a heavy set body covered in sweat because of the hot day. He had the appearance of a clichéd British professor. Fredrick Itcheszen was slightly younger, in his late forties at youngest, late fifties at oldest. He had a bony, yet handsome face, with a thick mustache and round, clear glasses. His dirty blond hair was clearly slicked back, but had started to get frizzy and wild that day. It was very apparent that he was German.

“Well, what do you think?” Charlie said, clearly uncomfortable with the silence.

“Hm?” Fredrick looked up “oh, right. Uhh, I don’t know. It’s rather confusing, I must say.”

“Yes,” Charlie said absent mindedly, looking off into the distance “like I said when I was first teaching you: it was just a theory.”

“But did you really believe that?” Fredrick snapped, starting to get annoyed “did you really believe that you were following nothing but a theory, or did you full heartedly put all your faith into it? You spent your entire life digging for the truth, arguing with religion, and trying to find the answer to the equation of the universe, same as I.”

“I-I thought that there would be an answer,” Charlie stuttered hopelessly, looking down at his shoes again.

“Well, apparently there is an answer!” Fredrick began to yell “But clearly it was not the one we trusted! We were wrong! Everything we believed in: wrong! We’ve wasted our lives and now there really is nothing but Hell below us! So, you know what!? You’re right! There is no answer!”

Charlie put his head in his hands as Fredrick stood up and walked over to the window, trying to cool himself down.

“I suppose we have a few options,” the older of the two said miserably, from the couch “we can either listen to what they have to say and change our beliefs, pretend we knew what we were talking about the whole time, or….well, there is always the window.”

Fredrick was silent for a few more moments. It was clear he was thinking. That’s what his silence always meant. Thinking.

“Keep digging,” the man at the window said, under his breath at first, but then aloud for his friend to hear him “Keep digging! So, they really think they’ve proved us wrong? They really think that atheism and Darwin’s Theory and evolutionary science have collapsed! They believe that they have proved God’s existence today! No. All they’ve done is shown that macroevolution does not happen naturally! Ha-ha! There is still more to learn! More to discover! The Truth is out there just waiting to be discovered! Keep digging I say! We will find the truth! Ignore the fools out there, let them keep on preaching on about hell. But we, we will find the answer.”

Fredrick was glowing with confidence and excitement, ignoring the astonished face of Professor Wardin. Fredrick would recreate the atheistic belief structure. He would defend his fallen world view. He would fight against the evil idea of God like he always had. He would be undiscouraged.

There will always be those who can’t and won’t change their beliefs, and therefore our species can never be fully saved.

Human Trials Beginning

(This was a book that I started many times in various ways, as I thought the idea was pretty cool. This was a version I began writing in 2014. Clearly I didn’t finish it, as I began writing Day of Saoirse, another great idea which I also did not finish.)

Human Trials: Shadows on the Wall

Chapter 1

Washington D.C., U.S.A

November 7, 2060


The circumstances leading up to the election of President Paul S. Census were quite unusual, even for a time in which unusual things were to be expected. First off, the very fact that an election took place after the Casey Rebellion, in which the American government had nearly been annihilated, astonished the rest of the world. Many countries didn’t expect the United States to recover even after capturing Saul Casey, the leader of an insane, neo-Nazi group of rebels who called themselves the Damikists.

In fact, Casey had even established his own regime in place of the American government after overpowering New York City. He was feared all over the world: he had organized the largest fascist force since World War 2, aroused 37% of the American people to fight alongside him, and had killed more people within a year than the German Nazi regime ever killed. He was a brilliant, cunning and brutal leader who could have destroyed almost anyone who got in his way. It certainly wasn’t an easy feat for Casey to gather together his army of followers, yet he could not have lived at a better time to lead a rebellion.

The United States’ power and economy had been on a steady decline for some time up until Saul Casey’s uprising. It’s been debated quite often as to what the origin of this descent was; many have suggested the 2017 War with Russia, others suggest the fall was already in progress many years before the Russian war or the twenty first century at all. And of course there were the conspiracy theorists who believed that the government purposely was declining so that they could set up a Fascist government. Whatever the cause, the point is, America was collapsing. Unemployment and homelessness were at an all-time high and the streets were filled with protests and riots. The rest of the world refused to get involved; the breaking of the United Nations had left the U.S.A with few allies and the rest of the world had a new conflict of their own they had to deal with: Prime Minister Neil Joffre of the United Kingdom was determined to recreate the once powerful empire that England had controlled three hundred years before. The President of the time had sworn not to get involved in order to deal with issues back at home. There had already been quite a few rebellions and battles between political parties before Casey arrived, and only the ignorant didn’t guess that someone like Casey would show up.

Saul Casey was born in Alexandria, Virginia in 2015 and grew up in Washington D.C. where he learned from his father (Reese Casey: The Secretary of State for President Michael Odin 2024-2032) the ways of politics and corruption.

TOA Chapter 2 The Beginning

Chapter 2 The beginning


I was 5 years old. The cold was intense that day. It was too chilly even for the residents. Everybody in Gertsede was ordered to stay inside because of a massive blizzard. At that point Gertsede was a large town with a market, castle and a military stronghold.


I was running around the house with my toy sword whacking random objects like pillows and doors. My mother was by the fire smiling as I played. My father was desperately trying to get a large fire going, but all he could muster was a small flame.


“I’m going outside to get some more firewood,” said my father frustrated.


That was the last time I saw my father. After awhile of waiting, my dad didn’t come back with the fire wood.  My mother was getting worried. I could see it on her face, but at my young age I couldn’t understand why. My mom bundled herself up and went outside to look for him. I calmed down and sat on the couch waiting for my parents to come back.


When my mom came back she found me crying my eyes out. She sat down holding me assuring me we’d find him and it would be all right.

We never found him. There was little evidence to where he went considering the blizzard the night before. There was many guesses on where he went. The next morning the people who knew my father well got together and gave their predictions on what had happened to him.

One prediction was that he ran off with another woman. The idea was given because my father was apparently caught talking sweet with the waitress at the pub who disappeared the same night. The only problem with this theory is that after that encounter the waitress got married to another man.


The next theory was that he lost his way in the blizzard and wandered into the forest. Even if that was the case he’d probably be dead by that point.


The last idea was that he died of cold and was buried in snow. The obvious problem with that is we hadn’t found his body.

But one piece of evidence that didn’t fit any of the stories was that a large tower was spotted out in the fields that night. First it was spotted by an old man who drank a lot, so everybody thought he was hallucinating. Then another man spotted it but the townsfolk announced he was seeing chimney smoke. But when more and more people claimed to have seen a tower, people started to think it was more than a coincidence. Now here’s the real twist. After that night the tower disappeared.

Months passed and my jobless mother realized that without my working father she couldn’t pay for herself and me. At the time I had no idea what was going on besides that my father was gone. My mom was sinking into a life of doing anything she could to do to pay for us.


Soon she gave up and went into a stage of depression. She didn’t care about me anymore she just wanted to live which was plenty hard when there is nothing to live for.

One day my mother sent a letter. I didn’t know who it was to, but by the mood she was in that day she didn’t seem to like writing it. Soon a man wearing a big cloak and a long grey beard came riding on a horse. He walked in and started talking with my mother. My mother finally just came over and looked at me sadly for a second, then left the room.

The man sat me down and told me he was my uncle Lane and he was going to take care of me from now on. I asked if I’d see my mum every once in a while.

“Absolutely” he said reassuringly.


But I never saw my mother again. Apparently she died of depression soon after. When my uncle discovered this he planned a huge ceremony and buried her next to the richest men in town.

Meanwhile living with my uncle was great. He was very rich with a large house. He let me go to a school but took me out when I was 10 for “special” training.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      My uncle was a wizard. He was a very intelligent man and he thought that I would do well as a wizard. The problem was that wizards took a lot of training to become so I became his apprentice.

There were several types of magic user. There were mediums: people who studied the art of summoning. Seers: people who told the future.  Conjurors: people who fought on the battlefield with magic. Sorcerers: trainers in magic. And mages: Scholars in magic. There were many more, but those are the main types.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              He taught me all sorts of magic, from potions to hexes, to making magic items and weapons. But the magic I found most interesting was summoning. The art of summoning involved being able to transfer magic from the magical world to the natural world.    I wanted to become an expert in summoning magic so my uncle taught me a lot on the subject.

After several years of training and studying I was ready to go out into the world. My uncle let me live by myself when I was 16. For that age I was apparently mature. Though I was living by myself I was still close to my uncle in the city of Forgesmite which was only a mile away.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                As I mentioned before, I had gone to my uncle’s house to get his opinion on the Geavas story.  When I got there it turned out he was not breathing. As soon as that happened I ran outside to get a healer, but part of me told myself it was too late. As I ran yelling for help, all the times my uncle said things like “I’m on deaths doorstep, give me some slack.” Or “Someday you’re gonna stress me to death.” I always thought he was funny saying things like that, but now when he was really almost dead, it wasn’t amusing at all.


When finally the local healer ran from his house and asked me what was wrong, I knew he was already dead. I told the healer what was wrong and we swiftly reached my uncle’s house.                                                                                                                                                                  The healer looked at my uncle, checked his vital signs and put him on the table. After a short inspection the healer declared that his patient had had heart failure caused from stress and old age.

“Is there anything you can do?” I said hopefully, though I knew the answer.

“Well if you’re asking if he’s dead or not, I’ll tell you he’s not dead yet, but he is in a sleep he probably won’t wake up from.” Said the old man like his patients life didn’t matter.

“When do you think  he’ll……..”

“At best, tomorrow,” He said to my unfinished sentence “It seems his heart dropped last night.”

“Bosaka,” I swore. He frowned at my displeasure


didn’t know what to do after that so I wandered around the house remembering old times I spent with my uncle. How he used to tell me stories of his adventures when he traveled around the world. How he used to teach me how to use a magic object and how to make one. How he’d move around the house showing me everything and the boring story behind every clock, vase and painting. At the time I hated it, but now I miss it.                                                                                                                                                                            

  I traveled into his study where his desk faced a huge window looking over the woods. All around the room Weapons and trophies of battle hung. His desk was covered in papers and books like always. I was suddenly interested in what he was studying before he died. Besides, the doctor said he died of stress and old age. What would he be stressed about. I walked over to his desk where his golden candle magically still burned. A lot of the books he was reading were about old Harpish folk tales, history and magic. Why was he suddenly interested in Harpland?                                                                                                                                                                                           

He had several notes.  He seemed to be writing about a man named Aescious. By what I could figure out from his notes was that Aescious was a Harpish king who fought and won the freedom of Harpland from Lioland but used undead and demonic creatures at his disposal. After many years he was killed by the exish  king named Seamus the thrilling, but some say his spirit still resides in a tower.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

I stop after reading that note. A tower. Could this be the tower that appeared the night my father disappeared? Could it be the tower that haunted my dreams along with a ghostly voice calling my name?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

No. It must’ve been a coincidence I thought. There are a lot of creepy towers in legend. Besides the story of Aescious is a fairytale. Then why was my uncle so interested?                                                                                                                                                                                   

   I kept looking through his notes and found a page that got my attention. It was written on a yellowed old paper but the ink letters were relatively new.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

For the one that reads this I have a warning. He knows that I am figuring it out. He’ll find me soon. Warn Frostbite to avoid the hooded . I don’t have much time. Tell him the answer is in the city of one street. Make sure he meets with Setsua and Maximilian.                                                                                                                              

Lane Geredur                                                                                                   

I had so many questions I wanted to ask, I wanted to explode. I looked everywhere on his desk for more clues though I only found one letter that was never sent. I was about to read the letter when I noticed something. I had put the note face down and I noticed something on the back. Four large words were printed.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

  The Tower of Aescious                                                                                                                                                                                                 

I almost jumped back in surprise. So the tower was important. But why? I was almost sure it was the same tower as the one from 13 years ago and the one in my dreams. But what was it? I sat there scared by the mysterious situation in front of me. I never was good with mysteries and now it seems that I might be in danger.                                                                                                                                 I started to read the letter that was in front of me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

  Dear Peter Maximillian,

   It has been a long time since we have crossed paths. Much has changed. I am probably going to die within a couple of days. I plan to give you two of the most important things I have: My nephew Frostbite and my daughter Setsua. Train them in magic and protect them. If he gets to them he will rise again. I have the best of hopes for you.                                                                                                                                    Sincerely,  Lane Geredur                                                                

    I almost screamed. Uncle Lane had a daughter! I was stunned. He never told me. I was angry, scared and confused. Somebody is trying to get to us. I couldn’t think straight, I was terrified. I was about to throw myself out the window [Not literally] when the healer ran in and gasped “He said something.”                                                                                                                                                               

  I ran downstairs to my uncle. He was still lying down but was half awake. I ran to him. I wanted to ask a million questions. But all I managed to ask was “You have daughter?”                                                                                                                                                                                        

   He smiled a bit and managed to say one sentence. “Find out what happened to him.” He didn’t say who but I knew he was talking about my father.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

  I nodded and said I’d promise. I realized I was crying. He was closing his eyes again. I started shaking him and yelling at him to wake up. I soon realized it was too late.  He was dead, the healer said so after words. I suddenly thought of something.                                                                                                                                                                    

“What did he say when he woke up”                                                                                                                                                                                     

The healer looked at me confused.                                                                                                                                                                       

  “The Tower”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

We gathered around the hole we magically dug the day before. Maximilian stood over the coffin whispering spells and enchantments. His White beard flowed in the wind. Setsua stood there with more of an angry look then a sad expression. Two days earlier I had sent the letter to Maximilian through magic. Maximilian was a colleague of Uncle Lane and a powerful Sorcerer. He came into the town riding on a horse with Setsua.                                                                                                                                                                                        Setsua was a young woman around 19 who wore a black cloak and a permanent angry expression. She had jagged layers of dark red hair and bright green eyes. She seemed to not like me. I was fine with that, I didn’t like her either.                                                                                                                                                                                          

Technically she was my cousin but if somebody asked us if we were related I would deny it.  Besides nobody would ask that any way. We looked nothing alike. She was tall, muscular and had red hair while I was short, scrawny and had black hair. We didn’t get along because she thought I was immature and prideful. I thought the same but about her.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

    The coffin started to float in mid air then it started floating down into the hole. When it landed, Maximilian filled the hole with dirt. On a tombstone Maximilian wrote on the words                                                                                                                                                                      Lane Geredur 1234-1294 Loving husband brave adventurer and genius in life and in the face of death                                                                                                                                                                            

The snow collected on our shoulders while Maximilian finished up his work with a trap so if anyone tried to dig up his body they would have serious amnesia for the next month.                                                                                                                                                                              

   I told them to come inside. We left the grave yard and walked to my house. Now that Lane was dead I got all of his possessions including the house.  We sat down in the dining room and discussed what we should do. Maximilian looked at Lane’s notes and was greatly confused when he read about The Tower of Aescious, but was nervous when he found out about The Hooded.                                                                                                                              

“You two are in great danger,” he said gravely “Especially with The Hooded involved”                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

“Who are The Hooded?” I asked.                                                                                                                                                                                             

“You don’t know who The Hooded are?” She scoffed.                                                                                                                                                              

“The Hooded is a cult who hunts for dark magic” Said Maximilian quietly “I don’t know why they want to get to you but when The Hooded have a target they usually get it.”                                                                                                                                                               

    We sat there in silence for a moment not knowing what to do. I finally broke the silence.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

“Uncle Lane said to find out what happened to my father.”                                                                                                                                        

Setsua of course spoke first “Why should we believe you?” I was about to argue back when Maximilian broke in.                                                                                                                                                                               

  “It seems if we answer that riddle it will be easier to figure the rest out.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Setsua hated the thought of following my plan, but reluctantly gave in. She gave me an evil look and looked back at Maximilian.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

“So where do we start?” she said angrily while rolling her eyes at my smug face.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

“Well according to these papers we must go to the city with one street,” He responded.                                                                                                                                                                                                               

  “There are several cities with one street. Which one was he talking about.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         “Amhain Straide,” said the small figure in the corner “It means one street.”